I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was repeatedly labeled…

Lazy. Unmotivated. Smart but slacks off. Careless. Indifferent. Clumsy. Forgetful. Distracted. Sloppy. Listens but doesn’t follow directions. Doesn’t listen. Won’t listen. Stubborn.

Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.

A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.

1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.

[Read: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter]

2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.

3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.

The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.

4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.” Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.

[Read: Protecting the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD]

But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.

5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.

Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.

Girls with ADD: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Soul Shine Kit — Build Your Child’s Self Esteem
• Read: How to Protect the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD
• Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast.  Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider.  Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.  

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Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

Not available November 19? Don’t worry. Register now and we’ll send you the replay link to watch at your convenience.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment designed to help individuals who struggle with emotional dysregulation, aggression, self-harm, and other problem behaviors. DBT is an intensive, highly structured program that was originally created for adults in the 1970s and has since been adapted for children and adolescents. It can be an effective treatment for ADHD because it aids in the development of skills that support emotional regulation, problem-solving, and self-acceptance.

DBT works by helping children develop skills that decrease unwanted feelings and unhelpful behaviors, as well as skills that help them to accept difficult feelings about themselves and others without judgment. DBT patients participate in one-on-one therapy, group skills training, and/or phone coaching from their therapist. Parents learn the same skills as their children so that they can reinforce those skills outside of therapy.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the conditions that DBT treats in children and adolescents, and who would be a good fit for this therapy
• About DBT as a treatment model and how it works
• How DBT can support children and adolescents in managing mood, impulsivity, and anxiety
• About DBT strategies to support children in distress
  

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Lauren Allerhand, Psy.D., is Co-Director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Programs and a psychologist for the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute in the San Francisco Bay Area. She specializes in the evidence-based assessment and treatment of youth struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, ADHD, and oppositional defiant disorder. She has extensive training in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Dr. Allerhand is particularly passionate about providing DBT to improve the lives of high-risk, diagnostically complex youth who struggle with emotion dysregulation, suicidality, and self-injury.

Dr. Allerhand’s clinical practice also emphasizes supporting parents of children and teens with emotion dysregulation, oppositional behavior, or ADHD through evidence-based intervention. She has specialized trained in a DBT parenting intervention and Parent Management Training for parents of older children and teenagers. Dr. Allerhand is also certified in Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), an evidence-based intervention for families with preschool-aged children.

DBT for ADHD: More Resources

• Download: What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?
• Read: Overview of ADHD Therapies
• Q&A: Why Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation is Central to ADHD
• eBook: The Parents’ Guide to Raising a Teen with ADHD

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, offers customized plans to improve executive function, emotional regulation, and behavior through behavior therapy principles and mindfulness. Each family is assigned a personal focus coach, and our family plan provides tailored programs for both kids and parents, so everyone can thrive together. Schedule a consultation or take our ADHD test to discover how Play Attention can support your family’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral development. Call 828-676-2240. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

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Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

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Bad grades are not always a fair reflection of your child’s effort, learning, motivation, or potential for success. And this is especially true for students with ADHD and other learning differences. On the surface, disappointing grades represent a failure at school. But there’s usually more to the story, which may never be heard because strong emotions — for parents and students — take over.

So how can we respond more positively and thoughtfully to a bad report card? Here to suggest solutions is Ann Dolin, M.Ed., an experienced author, educator, advocate, and parent of kids with ADHD who will help parents uncover possible reasons for their child’s grades and show them how to navigate these sticky situations while preserving their relationship with their child.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How to talk to your child about their school performance, including some easy conversation starters
• Ways to investigate why it’s happening and the two most common reasons for poor grades
• What to do moving forward, including strategies to help your child study more effectively and stay organized
• Whether you should set consequences for your child’s bad grades (or reward them for good grades) and how to keep kids with ADHD motivated

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Ann Dolin, M.Ed., has nearly 30 years of experience working with students. She is a former public school special education teacher and author who founded Educational Connections in 1998. The company specializes in helping students, especially those with ADHD, build executive function skills and study habits to perform better in school and, ultimately, in college.

She and her team of more than 120 tutors, executive function coaches, college consultants, and parent coaches provide virtual support to families with kindergarten to college students throughout the country.

Ann is the author of Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools, and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework and Getting Past Procrastination: How to Get Your Kids Organized, Focused and Motivated… Without Being the Bad Guy. (#CommissionsEarned) She also is past president of CHADD of Northern Virginia and is an advocate for students with ADHD.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share.

ADHD at School: More Resources

• Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: Do This, Then That! How to Model Planning & Prioritizing for Students with ADHD
• Q&A: “We Need an After-School Routine to Ease the Transition to Homework.”
• eBook: The ADHD Homework Survival Guide

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being. | brainbalancecenters.com/additudemag

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

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My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.

He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.

“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”

He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.

Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels

Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.

My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.

My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.

Like Father, Like Son

“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.

“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.

[Read: “My ADHD Family Tree — Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”]

I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.

We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.

Our ADHD Family

We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.

We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.

I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.

ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: 5 Ways to Build Bonds – A Guide for ADHD Dads
• Read: Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

When my husband and I published a book called ADHD is Awesome we knew we’d have some explaining to do. After all, so much of ADHD is not… awesome. We used the word for its true meaning. Though it’s a writing style cliché to kick off with a definition, I think it’s important here:

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

LIVE WEBINAR WITH KIM & PENN HOLDERNESS
Register for this free webinar on Tuesday, October 1, and get an opportunity to ask your questions to Kim & Penn Holderness live. Plus, get the replay link to share.

1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

[Get This Free Download: Celebrate ADHD Empowerment Month!]

In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

• Get the Book! ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving with ADHD
• Read: Holderness Family Values — 9 ADHD Truths (with a Side of Laughter)
• Read: What I Would Never Trade Away
• Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

ADHD is not a coincidence among our greatest creative and artistic minds. From best-selling author Dav Pilkey and Grammy-Award winner SZA to Hollywood mastermind Greta Gerwig and YouTube gamer and animator Markiplier, the evidence of ADHD creativity dominates popular culture.

“ADHD creativity is natural in a brain that works uniquely,” says Kathleen, an ADDitude reader from Arizona who has had a prolific career creating model horses produced in resin for companies such as Breyer/Reeves International, Hartland Collectables, and Safari.

Michelle, an ADDitude reader from Mississippi, uses creative thinking daily as a professional writer, photographer, and graphic designer. “ADHD allows me to see the world differently, offer a fresh perspective, and connect ideas others miss,” she says.

“We light up the room with our sparkles,” says Sam, an ADDitude reader from the U.K. “I believe my ADHD helps me see the world in a kaleidoscope of color. I have a vivid imagination, which enables me to be creative. I can give the most amazing descriptions of things so other people can almost see, touch, and taste them. I love writing, drawing, creating music, dancing, and singing.”

[Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”

ADHD Traits That Foster Creativity

Some ADDitude readers credit the ADHD trait of hyperfocus with nurturing their creativity professionally and personally.

“Developing the skill of hyper-concentration makes it so I can practice and then play the piano longer and better,” says Anastasia from Nevada.

Hyperfocus enabled Mia, from New York, to excel as a student journalist “despite the strange and long hours required.”

Others say their creativity stems from insatiable curiosity, distinct viewpoints, and the ability to see obscure connections and solutions.

“ADHD has been a driving force behind my creating unique, fun, and inspiring wellness events,” says Jo from Australia. “I attribute much of the success of these retreats to the creative energy and problem-solving abilities that come with ADHD. It’s not just about being different; it’s about harnessing that difference to make something truly special. ADHD helps me see opportunities where others might see obstacles and turn them into unique and transformative experiences.”

Read on to learn about the creative successes that ADDitude readers ascribe to their (or their child’s) ADHD brain, and how they encourage their creative thinking to blossom.

[Self-Test: ADHD Test for Adults]

ADHD Creativity Is… Expressive

“I attribute my son’s writing ability and creativity to ADHD. He was able to complete two books and have them published by age 12!” — Carin, Ohio

“I wrote a newspaper column for 15 years about different aspects of my life that I thought were interesting or funny.” — Jen, Canada

“In the middle of COVID, I switched careers to become a writer. My ADHD gave me the creativity, the courage, and the tools to do it. Since then, I’ve published two children’s chapter books, which are loosely based on my life from childhood growing up with undiagnosed ADHD.” — Heidi, Washington

“I’ve written books, flash fiction, and poetry. I definitely attribute my ability to easily come up with imaginary stories or find new ways to describe things to my ADHD.” — Felicia

“When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher explained that it was hard for her to focus on her work because she was always paying attention to what the other kids were doing. Years later, she became an amazing writer. One of the things that makes her writing so compelling is her ability to describe characters and stories in detail. I think this ability comes from a lifetime of constantly observing people and details around her.” — Katie, Maryland

ADHD Creativity Is… Making Unexpected Connections

“At age 12, I learned how to play chess. When I was 14, I won my first of several tournaments. I didn’t understand why I saw upcoming sequences that others could not — I assumed they weren’t trying. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that a college president explained there was something about me that allowed me to see things others didn’t.” — John, Illinois

“In the engineering world, I can find creative solutions quickly by making uncommon connections in my head and working them out on the whiteboard with my employees.” — Celtic, Florida

“I am an engineer with ADHD, and I have invented several novel environmental technologies and have the patents to show for it.” — Victor, Mississippi

“As a psychotherapist, I see connections between things in my patients’ lives and internal narratives. I can articulate these insights, often in visual metaphors, in ways that immediately put my patients at ease. I credit my ADHD with giving me this expansive access to my mind and heart and the ability to connect powerfully with my patients in ways that help them let go of their suffering.” — Jennifer, Massachusetts

ADHD Creativity Is… Clarifying

“My son has a unique eye for street life. His ADHD has enabled him to capture people uniquely through his photography.” — Sara, New Hampshire

“When I take photos, I can see the picture in my mind. I often take close-up shots of nature with people saying, ‘What is that? It’s really beautiful or interesting, but I can’t tell what it is.’ Then, they are amazed to discover it’s just water photographed differently.” — Gina, Kentucky 

“My son takes the most amazing photographs. We can be looking at the same things, but he sees it in a different light and can capture that moment on film.” — Robin, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… Melodic

“My daughter always tapped and jiggled her legs and had to move all the time. I had her bang on pan lids and wooden spoons as a toddler. This evolved into her becoming a drummer. People with ADHD can make awesome drummers. The rhythm soothes mental restlessness, and the physical energy needed to play calms hyperactivity.” — Andrea, U.K.

“I could never read music because of my dyslexia, but I discovered I have an ear for it. My ADHD gave me the hyperfocus to teach myself how to play piano, drums, and guitar when music lessons failed me.” — Kerry, New Jersey

“I was a professional musician for 23 years and produced and released a CD/album of original music.” — Julia, Oregon

“My ADHD allows me to write and create music that emotionally resonates with others. I would not be as good a musician without it.” — Emma, Scotland

“I arrange and write music, and I intrinsically understand the mathematical aspects of it but could never explain it.” — Jennifer, Utah

“I’m currently finishing my 6th album, ‘Neurodivergent.’ Not only did I explore new musical territories, but I experimented with A.I. videos to build narratives around the songs. This track is very ADHD to me.” — Jon, Surrey, U.K.

ADHD Creativity Is… Well Designed

“I taught myself how to use multiple graphic design programs because I was determined to fix tiny photo errors, make my blog perfect, and have the best syllabus for a class I was teaching.” — Ted, California

“I make handmade birthday cards. It’s a great creative outlet, and I actually use the craft supplies I’ve hoarded over many years.” — Yvette, Canada

“I love design — making flyers with digital art or rearranging my living room 1,000 times to find the perfect Feng shui. I believe  my ability to hyperfocus makes me love those tasks.” — Oceann, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… In the Spotlight

“I’m a writer and performer. My talent derives from my unique way of conceptualizing and interpreting the world, plus my constant curiosity. That’s an ADHD brain specialty.” — Dee, Canada

“During COVID, my young adult daughter chose stand-up comedy to help her cope. She works a regular job and continues to perform on weekends, including hosting shows.” — Pat, Canada

“As a humor writer and comedian, it’s important to have an interesting P.O.V. ADHD allows me to focus on details others have missed and makes my writing more interesting and robust. Additionally, being very observant helps me gather information about my audiences very quickly and relate to them.” — Nicole, Ohio

ADHD Creativity Is… Hands On

“I renovated my bathroom and kitchen with zero experience — and they both look professionally done.” — Gretchen, Minnesota

“I refinish furniture to make extra money. It is fun and creative.” — Glenda, Alberta, Canada

“Our daughter fully renovated her home, only calling in plumbers and electricians for vital compliance tickets. She also completed the renovation of a friend’s caravan and is working her way through their home, all while completing a college degree in science communication.” — Anna, Australia

ADHD Creativity Is… Inventive

“I think of wonderful inventions to re-purpose everything I’ve purchased over the years. I’m designing and making self-watering raised flower beds and working on an idea for hidden drawers that can slide in and out from under my bed frame.” — Ruth, New York

“My 8-year-old son is amazing. He puts together LEGO kits by himself. Then, a few days later, he’ll take them apart and create something new with the pieces. He created an excavator from a Star Wars set, Godzilla, and several others.” — Meagan, Alabama

“I build websites. When I let my ADHD loose, I can devise incredibly creative ways to accomplish the tasks my clients want. If they want ‘x,’ I can sometimes deliver ‘x,’ and ‘y,’ and ‘z.’ It’s all a matter of using that ADHD focus.” — Andrew, New York

“When my son was 12, he created fidget objects from LEGOS and sold them to friends. My little entrepreneur.” — Tracy, Canada

ADHD Creativity Is… Illuminating

“I teach university students using rare books and archives. ADHD allows me to connect our collections and subject areas, which wouldn’t normally happen. I also love coming up with new lesson ideas others don’t consider.” — Jo, U.K.

“I’m a dynamic, fun, hardworking teacher. I’m the teacher I always needed. I’m always trying new things!” — Marla, New Jersey

“As an educator, I used my ADHD mind to create novel situations. I sponsored a banana-eating contest to help students understand how the economic system works for a social studies class. The kids had to find a banana sponsor, get contestants, decide the admission price, make advertisements, sell tickets, and determine the profit margin. We held the contest in the school auditorium. It was a blast!” — Jane, California

ADHD Creative Thinking: Next Steps

• Download: A Free Calendar for ADHD Empowerment Month
• Read: Inspiring Celebrities Who Harness Creative Thinking
• Read: ADHD Self-Empowerment Begins With Finding Your “Right Difficult”

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Peer acceptance, a sense of self-efficacy, and a stress-is-enhancing mindset are strong predictors of resilience in older teens with ADHD, according to a small longitudinal study published in Child Psychiatry & Human Development.¹

The study, which followed 113 adolescents with ADHD from 10th to 12th grade, found that higher levels of peer acceptance, self-efficacy, and a growth mindset in 10th or 11th grade predicted higher levels of resilience 1.5 to 2 years later.

Peer Acceptance & Mechanisms of Resilience

Participants from the present study were assessed at three points:

• Fall/winter of 10th grade for peer acceptance
• Spring of 10th or 11th grade for self-efficacy, a stress-is-enhancing mindset, and baseline resilience
• Spring of 11th or 12th grade for follow-up on resilience

Peer acceptance at the start of the study explained 24% of the variance in resilience at follow-up. Teens with less severe ADHD symptoms were significantly more likely to report feelings of peer acceptance.

Resilience was measured using the Brief Resilience Scale (BRS), which asked teens to measure their agreement with statements such as “I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times” and “I take a long time to get over setbacks in my life.”

Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy mediated the relationship between peer acceptance and resilience, accounting for 39% of the variance in resilience at follow-up.

“Greater self-efficacy has been associated with positive outcomes for children and adolescents with ADHD, including lower levels of depression and internalizing symptoms, and reported higher quality of life,” wrote Elizabeth Chan, lead author of the study.

Though ADHD symptom severity did not change the positive effect of self-efficacy on resilience, existing research shows that ADHD symptoms can negatively impact self-esteem.

A Stress-Is-Enhancing Mindset

A stress-is-enhancing mindset accounted for 31% of the variance in resilience. Individuals with this mindset view obstacles as opportunities for learning and development. Teens with more severe ADHD symptoms needed at least a moderate stress-is-enhancing mindset to promote resilience.

A Positive Mindset Has Broad Impact

“One of the key attributes of resilient children and adults is when problems come up, they view these problems as challenges to be solved rather than overwhelmed by,” said Robert Brooks, Ph.D., a leading expert on resilience and motivation.

Healthy peer relationships are also critical for kids with ADHD, many of whom struggle to initiate and maintain friendships. Children tend to experience increased interpersonal problems as they enter adolescence.¹ Between 50% and 80% experience peer rejection, according to one study, which found classmates’ opinions of ADHD students are developed within the first 30 minutes and persist long after.²

“We have to help our children become much better problem solvers and believe in themselves… to start to feel that there are these problems, but there are [also] things we can do,” said Brooks during his 2022 ADDitude webinar “Nurturing Resilience and Motivation in Children with ADHD: The Search for ‘Islands of Competence.”

Existing research on ADHD has associated adaptive outcomes with a growth mindset, as noted by the authors. A growth mindset — the belief that one can change their abilities and circumstances — predicts fewer negative emotions, greater efficacy, and less avoidant coping.^{3, 4}

In contrast, those with a stress-is-debilitating mindset view stress consequentially and are more likely to act on impulse — a core symptom of ADHD. A study published by Society for Research in Child Development and cited by the authors found that, among 1,343 adolescents, more adverse life events predicted greater distress and decreased self-control.⁵ When participants viewed stress as beneficial, they were less likely to respond impulsively to negative events.

Support from Caregivers

No significant interaction was found between a stress-is-enhancing mindset and peer acceptance. According to research cited by the authors, support from parents and teachers may be more influential than support from peers in promoting this enhancing mindset, ^{6, 7} particularly when caregivers praise effort over ability.

Additionally, the presence of a charismatic adult — someone from whom children gather strength — has been associated with resilience in kids with ADHD.⁸ “In the absence of a good co-regulator, a solid, charismatic adult… we know that the likelihood of going on to have positive outcomes goes down,” said Cheryl Chase, Ph.D., in her 2022 webinar with ADDitude on how stress and trauma impact child development. “One charismatic adult can make a massive difference.”

“Despite the adverse outcomes associated with ADHD, some adolescents with ADHD perform as well as or better than their non-ADHD peers in one or more functional domain(s),” wrote Chan et al. “These individuals appear to exhibit resilience, or a pattern of positive adaptation, with some thriving despite the neurobehavioral risks associated with their diagnosis.”

Limitations & Future Research

This was the first study to look at peer acceptance as a predictor of resilience and self-efficacy as a mediator. It was also the first to examine a stress-is-enhancing mindset in the context of ADHD.

Analyses controlled for sex, ADHD symptoms, baseline resilience, and cohort. To be included, participants were required to meet DSM-5 criteria for ADHD combined or inattentive type. Adolescents were excluded if they had a previous or existing diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, dissociative or psychotic disorder, or an organic sleep disorder.

Future research should examine the potential causes of gender discrepancy in levels of resilience, which were significantly lower among females with ADHD. A more diverse sample is also needed, as the population was mostly male (67%) and White or Non-Hispanic (81%). A large percentage of the variance in resilience (61%) was unaccounted for; researchers should consider other contributing factors. Self-report scales were used as a primary measure; more objective reporting tools should be considered for future studies. Exploring interventions that encourage greater peer acceptance and a stress-is-enhancing mindset would benefit the study population.

Sources

¹Chan, E.S.M., Dvorsky, M.R., Green, C.D., et al. (2024). Predictors and mechanisms of resilience for high school students with ADHD: a prospective longitudinal study. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-024-01704-3

²Ferretti N.M., King S.L., Hilton D.C., Rondon A.T., & Jarrett M.A. (2019). Social functioning in youth with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and sluggish cognitive tempo. Yale J Biol Med, 92(1), 29-35. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6430168/

³ Burnette, J.L., Babij, A.D., Oddo, L.E., &Knouse, L.E. (2020). Self-regulation mindsets: relationship to coping, executive functioning, and ADHD. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 39(2), 101-116. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2020.39.02.101

⁴ Pay, C. (n.d.). How can I foster a growth mindset in my ADHD kids? Utah State University. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/how-can-i-foster-a-growth-mindset-in-my-adhd-kids

⁵ Park, D., Yu, A., Metz, S.E., Tsukayama, E., Crum, A.J., & Duckworth, A.L. (2018). Beliefs about stress attenuate the relation among adverse life events, perceived distress, and self-control. Child Dev 89(6), 2059–2069. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12946

⁶ Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C.S. (2016). What predicts children’s fixed and growth intelligence mindsets? Not their parents’ views of intelligence but their parents’ views of failure. Psychol Sci 27(6), 859–869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616639727

⁷ Park, D., Gunderson, E.A., Tsukayama, E., Levine, S.C., & Beilock, S.L. (2016). Young children’s motivational frameworks and math achievement: relation to teacher-reported instructional practices, but not teacher theory of intelligence. J Educ Psychol 108(3), 300. https://doi.org/10.1037/edu0000064

⁸ Ofiesh, N.S., & Mather, N. (2023). Resilience and the child with learning disabilities. In: Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R.B. (Eds.). Handbook of resilience in children. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-14728-9_25

Parent training didn’t prepare me for this. My husband and I stood there, quietly whispering to each other for an excruciating 20 minutes until our daughter finally calmed down. In that time, I was desperate for the screaming, the stares, and others’ well-intentioned, albeit unhelpful, suggestions (to give her a snack or a drink) to stop. This was not the highlight of my mothering career.

Eventually, all those things did (thankfully) come to a halt. My baby stood up quietly after her meltdown, looking disoriented. Then, she stumbled in my direction and finally held my hand instead of running ahead of us like we asked her to, which is what led to the whole fiasco in the first place.

Emotional Dysregulation: A Core But Overlooked Part of ADHD

Emotional dysregulation is not new — to my daughter or to any other person with ADHD. But it was an aspect of ADHD that took me a long time to fully appreciate.

The problem is that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD intentionally exclude emotion dysregulation, despite it being historically conceptualized as a crucial characteristic of the condition. Emotional dysregulation was written about as an issue related to ADHD symptoms as early as the 1700s up until 1968, when the diagnosis of hyperkinetic reaction of childhood was first introduced in the DSM-II. Around this time, emotion dysregulation started to become a forgotten part of the equation for ADHD, and public discussion of ADHD-fueled tantrums and angry outbursts all but halted.

[Get This Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions]

This is why, despite my psychology graduate coursework and training in ADHD, my daughter’s behavior was still confounding. On the one hand, I knew that she struggled with ADHD from an early age because her symptoms were consistent with current diagnostic criteria. On the other, her obvious emotional challenges compared to other girls and children her age, were not reflected in the DSM.

Could My Daughter’s Intense Emotions Be a Sign of DMDD?

Adding to my confusion was the fact that emotion dysregulation isn’t exclusive to ADHD. For example, children with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) display irritable mood and emotional outbursts that could be verbal or physical and that occur at least three times per week. It is a condition that goes beyond temper tantrums.

DMDD was added to the DSM-5 because mental health professionals were over-diagnosing bipolar disorder, a condition that causes extreme changes in mood in children. DMDD was meant to account for children who didn’t quite meet criteria for bipolar disorder, and who presented with more general irritability.

Without much mention of emotion dysregulation’s connection to ADHD in my training and in what doctors told me, my daughter’s intense emotional responses made me wonder — could this be a case of DMDD, too?

[Self Test: Does My Child Have Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?]

The Truth About ADHD and Intense Emotions

William French, M.D., explains that the key to differentiating between DMDD and emotion dysregulation as a part of ADHD is the child’s mood between temper outbursts. Children with ADHD (and adults, too, for that matter) experience emotions intensely, but these emotions are not all negative.

Individuals with ADHD can also be incredibly excited or calm between emotional outbursts. Russell Barkley, Ph.D., says the reason the negative emotions get so much attention is because they lead to obvious social and functional challenges. While someone with ADHD experiences various emotions between periods of intense negative emotional outbursts, a person with DMDD has more persistent irritable mood between episodes.

Without a shred of doubt, I understand today – though it took lots of time and headaches to get here – that my daughter’s intense emotions are part of her ADHD.

But in my own practice, where I see neurodivergent youth, I increasingly see patients come in with an ill-fitting DMDD diagnosis. As I’ve become more and more self-educated about ADHD and emotion dysregulation, I’m convinced that many clinicians, misled by current diagnostic criteria, may be readily misattributing this central feature of ADHD to DMDD.

This is a problem, for one, because inaccurate diagnoses delay access to life-changing treatment and can cause further health complications. In addition. whether we’d like to admit it or not, certain labels carry heavier stigma than do others. Before they see me, many children with the DMDD diagnosis are turned away from other private practices, deemed too “severe” to treat. Children can also be inappropriately judged by schools when they are given labels reflecting severely dysregulated mood.

It’s important to remember that the DSM, in general, aims to simplify. But, far from simple, human beings are nuanced, and so is the way ADHD presents.

If diagnosticians took a step back and actually looked at the ADHD brain and listened to the lived experiences of individuals, maybe then they could start to understand those who are so unnecessarily misjudged, like my daughter could have been.

ADHD and Intense Emotions: Next Steps

• Free Download: Scripts to Use When Emotionally Dysregulated
• Read: “Does ADHD Emotional Dysregulation Ever Fade?”
• Read: ADHD and Emotional Regulation — A Parent’s Guide
• Get the eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

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Q: “I’m going through a divorce. My child, who has ADHD, seems to be acting out more, and even lying. How should I handle this?”

Divorce is difficult for kids of all ages, and their stress and frustration may manifest in behavioral changes. Lying is a common behavior in kids with ADHD, especially younger children. Most of the time, parents are very concerned because they think, “I’m raising a sociopath. Why is my child lying? This goes against our family’s values.”

Why Children with ADHD Lie

In a divorce, lying can often take on another dynamic. A child may lie about what happens in the other parent’s home because they think it’s what you want to hear. Many feel that the divorce is their fault, and they see that you are sad when they leave you. Maybe they’re having a great time in the other house, and they feel bad that you’re alone. So, they might say negative things about what happens in the other home to make you feel better.

If this is the case, take a deep breath before you act. Some parents might think, “My ex can’t take care of our child. They’re eating candy for dinner and going to bed after midnight.” This might not be happening, or at least not to the degree that your child is saying.

[Q&A: “Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation”]

If you’re concerned about something you hear, don’t interrogate your child for details. Check in with the other parent, without making accusations. The more you and the other parent exchange information directly, the better the outcome for your child.

Become Your Teen’s “Board of Directors”

If your child is a teen, they may feel rushed toward independence by the divorce. They may also feel that they have to take care of the parent who’s struggling emotionally. On top of that, if their ADHD is not sufficiently managed, sometimes this can lead to acting out.

Divorce or no divorce, this is the time in a teen’s life when parents should be stepping back, letting go of the scaffolding, and letting their child fail a little bit. Start transitioning from being what I call the CEO of a child’s company to the board of directors. If this sounds like your issue, make sure that you are listening to your teen and asking questions. Try not to control a situation or offer advice; just listen.

Divorce, like any major change in the family, will bring up some really big feelings. The best way to start to manage your child’s emotions is by owning your own. It’s good modeling. We can’t hide what we’re feeling from our kids. You can say something like, “You know what? I’m feeling sad right now. I’m not going to feel like this forever. It’s going to pass. But today I feel sad, and that’s okay.”

[Free Parenting Resource: Your 10 Toughest Discipline Dilemmas – Solved!]

Reassure your child even when you think they don’t need it. Remind them over and over that the divorce was not their fault, and that while their parents’ love for each other might change and look different, each parent’s love for their child never fades.

Parenting through Divorce: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment
• Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households
• Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Dramatically higher rates of self-harm among youth with ADHD are reflected in many studies, including the Berkeley Girls ADHD Longitudinal Study (BGALS), which found that girls with combined-type ADHD are 2.5 times more likely than their neurotypical peers to engage in non-suicidal self-injury, and 3 to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide. A recent study found that, among self-harming teens, the incidence of hyperactivity and emotional dysregulation were so much higher than in the control group that the researchers concluded that self-harm may serve as a first presentation of ADHD, especially among girls who might otherwise go undiagnosed.² They further suggested that all teens who present with self-harm should be screened for ADHD.

The newest research has revealed that rates of self-harm among youth with ADHD may be even higher than past studies suggested. A 2024 study published in Psychiatry Research³ that involved 5,100 youth in Australia found that subjects with ADHD were 25 times more likely to self-harm than were their neurotypical peers.

Why Do Kids and Teens Self-Harm?

For some people, self-injury is an effective way to regulate unwanted emotions like anxiety and sadness, which they feel very, very strongly in their bodies. For some individuals, self-harm may bring them back into their body if they feel disassociated or emotionally numb.

Sometimes, the function of the self-injury is to communicate needs, or for kids to feel in control of their bodies and minds. There’s something about the behavior, symbolically, that allows kids and teens to take something amorphous — a bundle of abstract feelings — and put it somewhere on their body. They claim the power of defining the look of it, of expressing, “this is what these emotions look like,” and then the body heals it.

[Read: We Demand Attention on Self-Harm, Intimate Partner Violence, and Substance Abuse Among Women with ADHD]

Typically, the self-injury results from a trigger, causing a cascade of intense emotion that the person then wants to be rid of. Common categories of triggers include:

• Interpersonal stressors: a sense of rejection or relationship stress
• Performance anxieties

Self-Harm Patterns and Red Flags

While self-injuring behaviors vary by individual, studies have provided us with data about general patterns of self-harm among children and teens: ^{4 5}

• Average age of onset: 11-15 years old
• 25% of youth who self-injure do so only once
• 75% of youth report multiple episodes of self-injury
• Most youth who repeatedly self-injure stop within 5 years
• Self-injury can be cyclical and occur again after periods of stopping

[Read: Teen Girls Are Not Alright. ADHD Magnifies the Crisis.]

Self-Harm Red Flags:

Non-physical signs:

• Persistent changes in mood or character

Physical signs:

• Scars or wounds, especially multiple injuries clustered together
• Wrist coverings or inappropriate dress for the season (i.e. long sleeves in summer)
• Confusing paraphernalia in unexpected places (i.e. sharp object in bed)

What to Do If Your Child is Self-Harming?

If you find out your child is self-injuring, it’s important to form your response thoughtfully. Parents’ reactions to self-harm matter: Conversations that go well can really open doors for healing, but conversations that go poorly can do the opposite.

1. Remain neutral. Don’t display shock, pity, or judgment.

Discovering your child has been self-injuring can trigger many emotions including fear, shock, guilt, confusion, and anger, but it’s very important that you don’t attempt to talk to your child until you’ve worked through and subdued these feelings. Broach the topic only when you feel you can be dispassionate and centered.

It’s common to feel anger, which often results from worry, and there may be an urge to ask, “What are you doing? Why would you do this? Stop it!” Be sure to refrain from any condemnation, shame or criticism, as this may exacerbate the behavior.

2. Communicate three sentiments:

“I love you.”

“I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

“I’m here to help.”

Verbalize these messages to your child. It’s what they need to hear.

3. Don’t fixate on the wounds:

While it’s normal to be concerned about self-inflicted wounds, you should steer clear of placing too much emphasis on the physical injuries themselves. Instead, focus on the underlying reasons for the injurious behavior. Research shows that is what kids want to talk about, and understanding what’s causing the behavior is the first step toward meaningfully and effectively addressing it.

If kids don’t want to talk: That’s okay. Evasiveness is common at first. The most important thing isn’t getting the information you want, it’s establishing a connection, and keeping that connection open.

If you blow it: Don’t spend too much time worrying about it. Just go back to your child later and say, “That didn’t go the way I wanted it to go. Let’s try again.”

Distinguishing Non-suicidal Self Injury from Suicidal Ideation

Self-injury, most often, is not a suicidal gesture. The behavior typically originates from kids and teens wanting to feel better, not wanting to end their life.

That said, self-injury is a sign of distress and, in some cases, children and teens who engage in this behavior may be considering suicide. It’s important to differentiate between non-suicidal self-injury, and self-injury associated with suicidality.

The best way for parents to find out if the child is having suicidal ideation? Ask them.

Ask your child: “Can you tell me if you feel or have felt like you want to end your life?” If they say yes, you should determine how immediate the threat is by asking, “Are you feeling that now?” If the answer is “yes,” you need to reach out to a professional right away.

If your child responds, “no,” but you suspect they’re not being totally honest, tell them, “I love you. I’m here for you,” then continue to observe them and broach the topic again at a later time. The most important thing for parents to do is to keep the door of connection open.

Is Self-Harm Addictive?

Early detection is important because self-harm can become habit-forming. One quarter of youth who have self-injured report that they only did it once, but for three quarters of youth, there were multiple episodes. Individuals report having to do more over time to get the same response and they report feeling the desire to self-injure outside of a triggering situation.

It isn’t uncommon for people to acquire more contexts and reasons to self-injure as time goes on and this makes it harder to stop. As it becomes a more central part of how a person manages their emotions, it becomes a bigger lift to replace it with something else over time.

Is Self-Harm Contagious?

Self-injury can be contagious, especially within institutions, such as schools.

If your child is self-injuring and you believe it’s also something their peers are doing, it can help to find the person who is likely the epicenter of the behavioral trend. Often, this is a high-status peer, who may be signaling that this is cool, even if that is not their intent.

Try to engage this student as an ally and explain that there’s some contagion happening, and they have the ability to help in many ways, from minimizing the attention they give to self-injury to getting help themselves. Don’t assume that this child is your enemy: often, they’re not aware of what’s happening, and they don’t want their friends to be hurting.

Self-Harm Treatment

If a child is self-injuring, especially if they have other underlying issues including anxiety, depression, and/or ADHD, it’s important to find a good therapist. Look for providers who have experience working with young people and with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which is the most commonly used modality to treat self-harm. DBT’s focus on understanding and accepting emotions and distress tolerance as well as learning healthy coping skills can be effective for addressing self-harm.

It’s important to note that self-injury can be tough to treat because it works very effectively for some people to down-regulate. We all have preferred ways of coping, and this becomes some people’s deeply preferred way. It’s not as easy as just replacing the behavior with other techniques.

Because of this, therapists often won’t start by addressing the self-injury directly. Instead, they might start by addressing an underlying issue that’s driving it, the psychological architecture that gave rise to it in the first place.

Kids and teens who self-injure have to learn to lean on something else that feels as effective, which just takes time, practice, and guidance. 

Self-Harm and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: Straight Talk on Suicide and ADHD
• Free Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: DBT Skills – The Go-To Treatment for ADD?

Janis Whitlock, MPH, Ph.D., is director of the Cornell Research Program of Self-Injury and Recovery.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Swannell, S.V., Martin, G.E., Page, A., Hasking, P., & St. John, N.J. (2014). Prevalence of nonsuicidal self-injury in nonclinical samples: Systematic review, meta-analysis and meta-regression. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 2, 1-31.

²Ward JH, Curran S. Self-harm as the first presentation of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adolescents. Child Adolesc Ment Health. 2021 Nov;26(4):303-309. doi: 10.1111/camh.12471. Epub 2021 May 3. PMID: 33939246.

³Ping-I Lin, Weng Tong Wu, Enoch Kordjo Azasu, Tsz Ying Wong. (2024), Pathway from attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder to suicide/self-harm, Psychiatry Research, Volume 337, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2024.115936.

⁴Cipriano, A., Cella, S., & Cotrufo, P. (2017). Nonsuicidal self-injury: a systematic review. Frontiers in psychology, 8, 1946.

⁵Whitlock, J.L. & Selekman, M. (2014). Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) across the lifespan. In M. Nock (Ed.), Oxford handbook of suicide and self-injury. Oxford Library of Psychology, Oxford University Press.

Parent and educators can help the children in their lives flourish by teaching them how to hope by following these steps.

1. Talk about hope.

Hope is not frivolous or fleeting. It is a mindset centered on taking action to achieve the future one wants. Hope is powered by three key components: goals, pathways (i.e., how to move towards goals), and willpower (i.e., keeping your eye on the prize).

[Free Webinar: Learn About the Science and Power of Hope]

Hope does not sprout from a one-time conversation, so talk to your child or students often about hope, its components, and hopes they hold personally.

2. Find examples of hope in age-appropriate media.

Children’s movies, television, and books are filled with lessons on hope, as characters commonly work toward goals in the face of barriers and adversity.

While reading a book or watching a movie, ask your child or student about the goals of a character. How is the character trying to achieve their goals? What barriers does the character face, and how does it affect their hope? Does the character struggle to maintain motivation? Does the character eventually keep going? If so, what motivates them? How did they change course to overcome the barriers?

In practically all children’s media, the main character can’t overcome barriers without the help of friends. This is the social gift of hope. Ask: How can you rely on friends and others to help you overcome barriers? How can you help your friends remain hopeful in reaching their goals?

[Read: ADHD & the Art of Persistence — Teaching Goal-Setting Skills]

3. Create a visual map of hope.

Help your child or students map out their goals and hopes in a powerful visual reminder of what it means to take action toward a better future. Help them find pictures that represent a goal, that goal’s pathways (at least three), and willpower. Have them write a few sentences about how a picture symbolizes a component of hope. The final product will be a graphic display of hope, goals, pathways, and willpower in a framework.

4. Be attentive to future-oriented statements.

Listen for statements about wanting to do something, like joining the school band or basketball team. These are future expectations, and it’s on you to help your child or student figure out how to engage in pathways and sustain motivation to achieve those goals.

Why Is Hope Important?: Next Steps

• Download: Unlocking Motivation in Kids with ADHD
• Read: “My Anxious Child Is Convinced She Can’t Do Hard Things.”
• Read: Shake Loose of Your Limiting Beliefs — A Guide for Teens with ADHD

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Science and Power of Hope” [Video Replay & Podcast #486] with Chan M. Hellman, Ph.D., which was broadcast on January 10, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

But just like other families, we crave a “third place” where we can relax. So when we discovered Wheated, a gourmet pizza restaurant in our Brooklyn neighborhood, it filled a huge hole in our lives.

Our Third Place: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Pizzeria

I won’t soon forget the tang of the first sip of Umbria or the texture of the pizza’s sourdough crust. But what will stay with me forever is how the restaurant staff made us feel.

After a few visits, my son was on a first-name basis with the owner, who was also a huge soccer fan. He’d chat with my son about soccer as if he had all the time in the world, while the restaurant bustled around us. No matter what drama happened during the week, we had our Sunday night ritual to look forward to and to savor. The servers knew our complicated order and didn’t blink at all the substitutions.

[Take This Self-Test: Signs of Autism in Children]

We would arrive most Sundays just as they opened for dinner. We reserved the same table in the back corner every time. There was loud music, and at times our kid was overstimulated; at other times, I was overstimulated. Waiting for the food was hard. Sometimes, our son moved around in ways that were not the safest for the wait staff and the other diners.

But the staff was gracious to us, always, even when patience ran out on both ends. Even when my son had a meltdown during one of our first visits. Thankfully, it happened to be Super Bowl Sunday, and we were one of the only families there, but the moment was hard nonetheless.

Even as my son screamed and cried and jumped, we were treated respectfully and kindly. The staff set the tone for the other diners. We never had the feeling of hairy eyeballs on us that was so common in other places.

A Friendly and Inclusive Space

The more we visited, the easier the dining experience became. I brought art supplies and noise-canceling headphones. We danced in our seats near the open kitchen, where our son could watch the chefs twirling dough in the air. There were some swift exits and half-eaten meals—but through these experiences, my son developed new skills, and we enjoyed ourselves together.

[Read: “A Love Letter to My Son’s Special Interests”]

We became loyal customers. Eventually, over years, our son got used to the many noises of a busy restaurant. He learned dining etiquette, how to order his own dinner, and where he could safely stim while keeping the aisle clear for servers. We took our family and friends to the restaurant, and were able to have lovely, relaxed celebrations because our kid was known and accepted for who he was there.

I will forever be grateful to that restaurant for helping my son gain social skills and confidence while accepting him unconditionally. The sense of belonging to a “third place” will stay with him as he grows up and branches out to other restaurants and public spaces.

I’d like to think that our family had a positive influence on the restaurant as well. (At the very least, we tipped well!)

If you’re looking for that “third place” for your own family, don’t give up. Inclusive places are out there, and they are delicious.

Autism Acceptance: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD-Autism Link in Children
• Read: 4 Autism Myths — Dispelled
• Read: How to Process and Accept Your Child’s Neurodiversity

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Still, collectively, gender nonconforming youth face common obstacles and common threats: discrimination, harassment, bullying, massive barriers to appropriate care, and other forms of transphobia.

In the face of these threats, support from doctors, communities, schools, and family members has a powerful protective effect. According to a national survey conducted by The Trevor Project, 45% of LGBTQ+ youth surveyed seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, but those who felt highly supported by their family reported attempting suicide at less than half that rate. A recent study in Child Development revealed similar findings: LGBTQ+ youth who received parental support experienced significantly fewer depressive episodes.

Understanding how to best provide support may be particularly confusing for parents of gender-expansive youth with ADHD, who struggle with impulsivity, executive dysfunction, and emotional dysregulation. Here, Paul Silverman, LCSW, a family therapist at the Gender and Family Project at the Ackerman Institute for Family in New York City, offers clarity, context, and evidence-backed guidance for supporting your gender nonconforming child — and insight into why it’s so critical.

Q: What are some common myths or misconceptions about gender-expansive youth?

The biggest misconception is that their gender identities are not authentic. The growing number of children identifying as transgender or gender non-conforming (TGNC) gets too often attributed to children influencing one another. The truth is that TGNC children have always been here. Across cultures, there have always been TGNC people, and thereby there have always been TGNC children.

[Read: “I Didn’t Have to Understand’s My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.“]

When we look to the 2 Spirit people of indigenous American cultures or the Hijras people of south Asia, we know that transgender people have existed as long as gender has existed. With that knowledge, we can attribute the growing number of children identifying as TGNC to increased visibility, representation, and acceptance.

Q: What is the most common concern voiced by parents of gender-expansive youth? How do you address this?

Many parents worry that their child’s life will be more difficult if they are transgender or gender conforming, that they will face increased societal hurdles. However, we know that acceptance is protection. The data and research indicate that, while many TGNC youth often present with elevated rates of eating disorders, suicidality, and impacts to their mental health, these rates are drastically lower for children who have the support of their parents.

Q: Sometimes, parents of gender-questioning youth with ADHD worry that their child’s gender exploration is driven by characteristic impulsivity. What advice can you offer to them?

For any parent concerned that their child’s gender is a phase or characterized by impulsivity or related to behaviors impacted by ADHD, I would consider the impact of supporting their child through that period regardless of the child’s long-term gender identity. Children will always carry with them the parent relationship, whether affirming or rejecting, through the time of their gender transition.

If a child exploring their gender turns out to be cisgender, they will move through that period and be more secure knowing they had their parent’s unconditional support. If that gender-exploring child turns out to be transgender, then the parent’s support during that period is all the more crucial.

[Read: How To Be a Neuroqueer Ally]

Q: What’s something that’s surprised you in your work with gender-expansive youth?

When I encounter a family that is accepting of their child’s transition from the start, embracing their desired name, pronouns, and gender expression, I am surprised by just how easy and joyful the child’s life can be. The narrative about transgender youth and their experiences is often so heavy because it is burdened by transphobia. In that context, these surprising moments of joy and ease for children provide a helpful model for what we can aspire to as a society.

Q: What guidance can you offer for parents of youth who are just beginning to explore their gender?

I want to relay that their child’s gender is neither a burden nor a problem. The burdensome problem is the transphobia that their family will be up against. With this reframing, there is no need to protect the world or the child from their trans identity, but instead to stand with their child in the face of the transphobia that they will inevitably face.

A parent recently shared this Joan Ryan quote, which I think encapsulates this idea well: “Parenthood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding that they are exactly the person they are supposed to be. And that, if you’re lucky, they just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.”

Gender Nonconforming Youth with ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth
• Read: “Just Let Him Be” – The Mother of a Neuroqueer Teen Shares His Story
• Watch: “Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity – How to Support a Child, or Teen with ADHD as They Explore Gender”
• Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

There is also lots of neurodivergent pride in my family. And this Pride Month, I am thinking a lot about the layers of complexity that families like mine experience because we’re neurodivergent and members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

Even as a queer parent with ADHD myself, parenting in the age of enlightenment regarding identity can sometimes feel like an extreme sport. It’s admittedly hard to keep up with the changing ways we talk about gender, sexual orientation, neurodivergence, and other aspects of identity. Amid all this, one thing remains clear: Our ADHD and LGBT+ kids need us to fight even harder for their right to be seen, heard, and respected.

Fighting for LGBTQ+ Rights, Neurodivergent Style

The upside is that the fighting comes naturally to neurodivergent individuals. We know what it’s like to be on the fringes of society and experience stigma. We know what it’s like to mask parts of our identity to try to be accepted.

Our neurodivergent qualities also uniquely equip us to fight. Due to our strong sense of justice, it’s not a stretch to say that we’re likely to be on the front lines of equality movements. Our justice sensitivity is no doubt driven by rejection sensitive dysphoria – one of the most brutal aspects of living with ADHD. At the same time, feeling rejection to the extreme – in the form of homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of hate – can truly make life feel not worth living.

[Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally]

As the mom of two gender-creative ADHD kids, I would do anything to protect them from this fate. Which is why I know that the best thing I can do is let my children see me fighting for them. At marches. At school. At the town hall. And yes, in the workplace.

As I write this, I am involved in a dispute at work, where grumbles and complaints about respecting people’s pronouns and gender identities happen near daily, despite company policies dictating that no discrimination of any kind is tolerated. What makes this situation scarier is the fact that my organization works with children, many of whom are gender non-conforming. In time, I hope my colleagues learn that using correct pronouns is lifesaving, especially for youth.

LGBTQ+ Joy Matters, Too

Fighting, however, is just one aspect of being part of the queer community. The other aspect — my favorite — is celebration. For Pride Month, we gather in our brightest clothes and most fabulous makeup. We have parades, we play music, and we dance in the streets. (ADHD creativity and spontaneity certainly help!) We are together. We see that we are not alone.

Another incredibly fun activity we do as a family is attend all-ages drag shows. The support for LGBTQ+ youth in these shows is unbelievable, like nothing you’ve ever seen. At every show, I take a moment to look around the room and see other rainbow families. I feel such pride in being part of a vibrant, creative, and bold community.

[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]

Yes, the fight matters. Celebrating, living, and thriving – as a queer parent with ADHD – is part of the fight. It’s what neurodivergent and queer youth need to witness so they know it’s possible for themselves.

Neuroqueer Families: Next Steps

• Read: “Just Let Him Be” The Mother of a Neuroqueer Teen Shares His Story
• Watch: How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender
• Read: ADHD and Queerness — Living in the Neuroqueer Intersection

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.