Because I Said So!

How to end the bickering and nagging, and motivate your child to finish his boring-but-oh-so-important chores.

By Linda Karanzalis, M.S. Verified Updated on May 11, 2020

Quick word-association game: When you hear “chores,” you think “stimulating,” “fascinating,” and “creative,” right? Fat chance.

Even for people without attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD), chores are nothing short of torture. But they also help lay the groundwork for success in life — forcing us to clear the clutter, establish priorities, and be held accountable to family, friends, and colleagues.

In fact, research conducted recently at the University of Minnesota concluded that the best predictor of young-adult success is not IQ or even internal motivation, but rather chores. The earlier a child starts doing chores, the more successful he will be.

Now, here’s the problem: ADHD brains don’t produce enough of the neurotransmitters needed to maintain sustained focus. This chemical imbalance makes it tough for children with attention deficit to complete anything, let alone boring chores that provide none of the stimulation or feedback that engages an ADHD mind.

Thus the “chore wars” — a daily reality in many ADHD and non-ADHD households. As parents, we know that chores help our kids develop the life skills they need to become independent adults. But we also know that the fight can be exhausting — sometimes more exhausting than just doing the work ourselves.

[Your Free 13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD]

But this stuff is important, and behavior modification can help. So here are some tips and pointers that will help you (along with a lot of perseverance) implement a consistent, accountable routine of chores in your household.

In layman’s terms, behavior modification involves identifying inappropriate behaviors and implementing methods that will fix them. This often means changing your child’s environment and improving your ability to follow through.

The goal is to gradually decrease undesirable behaviors and reinforce appropriate behaviors by using a token system based on rewards and consequences. You know you’re on the right track when the intensity, frequency, and duration of the undesirable behaviors decreases.

Behavior modification comes down to consistency, consistency, and more consistency! This means you must respond the same way each time your child demonstrates an inappropriate behaviors, and follow through with consistent rewards and consequences. No matter how tired or frustrated you feel, you cannot give in to your child’s whining, yelling, outbursts and tantrums (unless he is hurting himself, others, or destroying your home). When you cave in, you teach your child that she can get what she wants by increasing out-of-control behavior.

[Free Parent Resource: ADHD Discipline Strategies]

Make a list of strategies for maintaining your self-control. How you will handle resistance? Will you take deep breaths, count to ten, ignore and proceed with what you were doing as if nothing is happening?

If you lose control how can expect for your child to stay in control? Actions speak louder than words, do what you say and say what you do. Easier said than done, especially if the parent also has ADHD. Therefore, you must have a plan and a support system in place before you implement behavior modification.

All of the adults in your family must be united and respond the same way to inappropriate behaviors. I always tell parents you either “pay now” or “pay later” as your child becomes older and the problems become bigger.

Step One: Schedule specific chores for each day of the week.

Step Two: Each day your child completes her chores, she earns the use of electricity that day. That means iPods, TV, computer, PlayStations, etc. Make sure each day is a fresh start with the promise of rewards.

Another option is the marble-in-the-jar method. Each time your child does a chore, he puts a marble in his jar. Determine marble values for a menu of rewards, and allow your child to cash in his marbles for prizes at the end of each week.

[Free Resource: What Not to Say to a Child with ADHD]

Rewards by Age

A reward is something special that your child would not otherwise receive. And remember, rewards cannot be taken away once they are earned! A few ideas…

Play date
Sleepover
Later bedtime
Special alone time with parent
Out for ice cream and/or dinner
Movie with a friend
Trip to the dollar store
Coloring books
DVD
Gift cards
Clothing
Indoor rock climbing
Manicure or pedicure
Sports event
Extra computer time
Books
Magazine subscription

Do:

1. Create and post a chore list for your child
2. Model good behavior for your child
3. Select types of tokens ( i.e. chips, marbles)
4. Choose rewards to motivate your child
5. Visually post rewards menu
6. Set deadlines for each chore
7. Create a contract that both you and your child sign
8. Expect resistance
10. Be consistent and follow through on promises

Don’t:

1. Change the plan and confuse your child
2. Give in to inappropriate behaviors
3. Shout to your child from another room
4. Take away earned tokens or rewards
5. Lose your temper
6. Give in to avoid conflict
7. Make rewards too hard to earn in the beginning
8. Delay in giving your child immediate feedback