Dear Neurotypicals,

When I reveal that I have ADHD, I often hear about how “brave” I am for being so “open” and “vulnerable.” Granted, I like hearing that because I’m human and I like compliments. Plus, it’s better than fending off stereotypes about ADHD.

To be totally honest, though, I’m not telling you about my ADHD diagnosis to promote diversity, make you feel more comfortable confiding in me, or whatever other altruistic reason you’re thinking. I’m telling you as an act of self-preservation, often after days of deliberation over whether I will hurt or help my case. Disclosing my ADHD is a carefully calculated risk that’s more about substantive outcomes than feel-good moments.

Explaining ADHD to Someone Who Doesn’t Have It

Disclosing my ADHD is really about showing you the inner workings of my mind. My day-to-day life reminds me of my choir teacher’s advice for onstage performance: “Be like a duck: calm on top and paddling like crazy under the surface.” You can’t see my constant struggles to stay on top of employment, housework, and personal affairs; you can’t hear my every thought scream for my total attention as I fail to hold onto a single one; you certainly can’t feel the smaller effects of ADHD pile on top of each other to create a web of executive dysfunction.

[Get This Free Download: Secrets of the ADHD Brain]

No matter how calm I seem on the surface, underneath I am paddling through constant self-assessments and adjustments.

Without the context of a diagnosis, I’m a mess. I can’t get anywhere on time. My apartment is filled with projects that I dove into, lost interest in, and can’t bring myself to put away. Efforts to reach out are too easily put off and forgotten. And heaven help you if I’m having more trouble with my emotional regulation than usual.

So, in more casual settings, my telling you about my ADHD is to let you know that nothing’s personal. I didn’t show up 10 minutes late and yawn when you were talking because I hate you and want to disrespect your time. While you certainly have the right to boundaries and shouldn’t just put up with certain behaviors, you should also know that my shortcomings do not reflect how I view our relationship. And, hopefully, you don’t hate me as much after I’ve confided in you.

When Disclosing ADHD, Context Matters

From a professional perspective, my honesty about ADHD could mean the difference between remaining employed or yet another job hunt. I’m sure that never occurred to my managers as they went on about my courage and whatnot – that I had actual goals beyond reveling in feel-good honesty. Not that I would recommend that everyone with ADHD should disclose their diagnosis to employers. Most sources suggest not doing so, and for good reason.

Conscious and unconscious biases are inevitable, and anything that could make me stand out as a problem could also be my undoing. Though I have been open about my diagnosis and received ADA accommodations, I will always wonder if my managers are now keeping a closer eye on me for any slip-up that would go unnoticed if made by a co-worker.

Disclosing a diagnosis, especially one like ADHD that forces me to confront some of my deepest insecurities, is unpleasant at best. I don’t do it for fun. My decision to open up to you was difficult and ultimately made in hopes of some sort of action. Maybe that’s just a bit of patience, or some help navigating a world that was not designed for me.

I trust you enough to give you a chance to understand me better, and, in turn, learn how we can grow together. Please take that chance.

Explaining ADHD: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: How Adults with ADHD Think — Uncomfortable Truths About the ADHD Nervous System
• Read: “Does Everyone Have ADHD? No. And Why It Hurts When Neurotypicals Claim an ‘ADHD Moment’”
• Read: Your Rights to ADHD Accommodations at Work

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

But what we often fail to consider is how these fires are sparked.

Before the consequence of unmanaged ADHD blows up in our faces, there is a long progression of unnoticed action that gradually stokes such a blaze. Unchecked ADHD, then, is more of a slow, silent, invisible flame that heats and bubbles under the surface. Everything may appear smooth on the surface, but the hushed activity below tells a different story.

This quiet simmer is a vast collection of kindling – of distractions, impulsive actions, lack of initiation, and other issues that eventually spark and rage into an inferno — a missed deadline, a failed relationship, a lost job, a failed class. To the person with ADHD, simmers are so easy to ignore or miss altogether. Fires are undeniable.

When the fire erupts, everybody runs wild in a panic, which increases our chances of acting upon the situation. The crisis revs up the brain chemistry that provokes fear, which makes us move and do. We run around in circles trying to extinguish the awful thing, engaging serious damage control. This usually includes saying we’re desperately sorry, groaning to ourselves that yet again we’ve screwed up. Sometimes we hide under a rock.

This is one reason why ADHD is so hard for the larger community to accept. “How can you act like this sometimes but not all the time?” If we were blind, we wouldn’t see some of the time. The consensus among all affected by our fires — parents, teachers, spouses, friends, bosses — is that to prevent the next one, we must remain in freak-out mode because that’s the only thing that will keep us in check.

[Read: To Infinity and Beyond, Powered by Self-Awareness]

The problem, of course, was never the raging fire. That was only the most obvious consequence of the slow-burn of hundreds of small decisions prior to it, when we decided to do the wrong thing at the wrong time, one on top of the other. That is at the heart of what it means to suffer and struggle with ADHD.

Living with ADHD: The Importance of Self-Awareness

The work of preventing these self-defeating fires is more subtle and consistent than a handful of panic episodes, and more fine-tuned to the specific issue with which we struggle. The solution rests on one thing and one thing only: Self-awareness. You can’t change what you don’t see.

It’s hard to learn how to become aware of those subtle, quiet seconds of mis-decision, especially when there’s panic in the room. Awareness is a quieter practice. It prefers to act on a stage of self-compassion, self-honesty, and wanting to change. It involves figuring out how we’re going to help ourselves to notice in the first place. But how do we build awareness when the landscape seems so unknowable, so unmapped?

When people run from fires, nobody slows down to map the area. Self-awareness happens when we have extra bandwidth to catch ourselves deciding to do the wrong thing at the wrong time. These are those classic moments when we decide “just for now” not to study, or when we “just have to” blurt out a secret, or when we decide we’ll put away our coat or the dinner plate “later.”

[Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD]

It’s true that negative reinforcers are so enticing, and we’ve used them since we were kids. But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could notice when we do the wrong thing at the wrong time without the fire department having to clang its bell next to our ears? That fire department – us or others – works great for fires, but not for lasting, inspired, intentional human change.

How to Build ADHD Self-Awareness

So, how do we build awareness around the decisions we make, especially when they seem to happen reflexively in the background? Bring to the fore in detail an understanding of what happens at the precise moment when we make these decisions. What is the setting? What are we doing? What else is going on? What do we choose to do instead? When will this most likely happen again?

These are the kinds of things we talk about in ADHD coaching, but none of us live in a coaching call forever. These are the tricks and skills we can learn and develop. Learning to become aware might involve visualizing, talking it over with someone or with ourselves, and then asking curious questions about how to put into place support systems to help us pivot and make optimal decisions. The support options are plentiful. It all rests first on building awareness around how ADHD shows up in us.

Then it’s practicing and tweaking so there are fewer, less intense fires — or maybe no flames at all.

How to Be More Self-Aware with ADHD: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read: Self-Sabotage and ADHD — Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
• Read: Has ADHD Warped Your Sense of Self? It’s Time to Reclaim Your Story — and Power

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

We hear a lot about the challenges that ADHD dumps on the backs of those who live with it, and how tough it is to bear the weight of these struggles sometimes. Seldom discussed are the strengths and abilities that ADHD brings — like being incredibly resourceful, resilient, and clever problem solvers.

So we asked ADDitude readers to put their creative ADHD brains to work by brainstorming the most important lessons they’ve learned about living well with ADHD. From the pragmatic — set your clock ahead by 10 minutes — to the profound — guidance on fostering self-compassion — readers offer up hard-won wisdom that they’ve found transformative, in the hopes you might benefit from it, too.

“Grace. Give yourself grace. The everyday mistakes you make can distract you from more important things. Know that doing right by the humans around you is far more important than having your laundry done or being all caught up at work.” —Kate, Texas

“It is essential to find a medical professional who you trust and who is an ally. Do not tolerate doctors who don’t listen to your symptoms or concerns.” —Suzanne, Canada

“Like a fingerprint, ADHD is different for each individual. We can learn from doctors’ opinions and others’ experiences, but we must discover for ourselves how to best deal with our own ADHD.” —Philip, Ohio

[Download: Rate Your ADHD Coping Strategies]

“Find your people! There is nothing that helps more than sitting in a room with a group of others saying, ‘Me too!’ You finally feel validated and less alone as well as understood and accepted.” —Nicky, Scotland

“Don’t resist medication if it will help. It’s not a character failing to take it. On the contrary, it shows your bravery in facing your condition.”  —Richard, Maryland

“Actively search for things to celebrate in yourself and others. It’s natural to be critical but noticing what’s good takes intentionality. The fruit of that is peace and joy.” —Shari, Tennessee

[Watch: “ADHD is Awesome – The Holderness Family Guide to Thriving with ADHD”]

“Write everything down.” —Jennifer

“It’s imperative to learn all you can about how ADHD affects the brain, so you can better understand (and be less judgmental) about your thoughts and behaviors.” —Louis, California

“Find help — and don’t settle for the wrong help.” —Dorothy, Ohio

“Do what you need to do to recharge. I take a 15-minute nap at lunch everyday, which brings up my dopamine so that I’m still productive at work in the afternoons.” —An ADDitude Reader

“Find people who can relate to your struggles and, if you feel safe doing so, share stories of successes and failures. You may be pleasantly surprised by the number of people who feel the same way you do, regardless of whether they have ADHD.” —AJ, Minnesota

“Always divide tasks into very small turtle steps — something that you can easily do.” —Marietjie, South Africa

“The brilliance of ADHD is that our minds and talents can be a playground. ‘Not possible’ isn’t a thing if it is something we are interested in. Want to learn how to build furniture? Done. Make macarons? Done. Run a marathon? Got it. We absolutely thrive when we can chase the dopamine high associated with our areas of interest. I may be awful at adulting, but I wouldn’t want to live any other way.” —Suzanne, Tennessee

“The most important thing I’ve learned is to change my inner monologue of ‘I’m lazy’ to ‘This is just extra hard today.’” —Kendel, Indiana

“Finding what you love may be more important to ADHD people than to non-ADHD people. Being quick to boredom and having quick tempers means if you don’t like your job, you won’t be at it very long.” —Tim, North Carolina

“One trick that changed my world was the concept of a ‘catch-all’ area near the door where I put everything I need to leave the house; and where everything will go once I walk in the door. I have saved so much time over the years not constantly looking for my keys, sunglasses, and wallet.”—Dana, Michigan

“You have ADHD; you are not ADHD. It is an attribute you have but it does not have to define who you are.” —Craig, Oklahoma

“I set my clocks forward 10 minutes. Somehow it always tricks my mind and gives me extra time.” —Karen, Virginia

“I have learned that for every storm, there is a rainbow. My ‘problems’ — sensory gifts, ADHD daydreaming, and deep processing abilities — made me an excellent teacher of 38 years. I have learned to embrace my differences and view them as positives that have enriched my life.” —Jane, California

“Many judgmental people just can’t stand that I am hyperactive, talk a lot, and interrupt without meaning to — but judging others is far, far worse than any symptoms ADHD might cause. Try not to let anyone’s attitude make you feel bad about yourself. You are beautiful. You are valuable. You have been born with your own special talents and abilities that will help to advance mankind.” —Janet, Texas

Self Love, Self Acceptance & ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges 
• Read: Self-Compassion – The New ADHD Treatment
• Read: ADHD at the Center – A Whole-Life, Whole-Person Condition

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

At first glance, some of my ADHD traits make me very ill-suited to my job as a college lecturer. My slippery focus and shoddy working memory make the piles of admin work painful. Trying to map out a long course makes me want to smash my head into a smartboard.

Few of my colleagues loathe the bits I hate with quite the passion that I do, so I beat myself up for making a meal of the stuff that’s meant to be simple.

But there’s a flip side, too. The more I talk to colleagues about my fresh diagnosis (ADHD, inattentive type), the more I see that others grapple daily with different demons. And some of the things that frighten or frustrate them about teaching come as naturally to me as breathing.

Teaching with ADHD: The Traits That Make Me a Better Educator

1. Improvisation

Like many with ADHD, I work well under pressure. I struggle to focus without it, in fact, so I’ve had a lifetime of practice.

The upshot is that I’m never knocked off balance by last-minute changes or questions I didn’t see coming. I love taking detours in lessons or going deeper to clear up confusion.

[Get This Free Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”]

Learning is a two-way conversation for me. Being happy to improvise helps me keep everyone in it.

2. A Sense of Humor

I try to make people laugh all the time. I think I learned young that it won me approval, preempted mockery, and defused the tension I would otherwise sponge up myself.

And my always-on Default Mode Network loves whispering jokes in my ear. I find it hard not to speak them out loud.

As compulsions go, it’s a lucky one. A sense of humor is a powerful tool in the classroom. It’s so much easier to build rapport, nip conflicts in the bud, and make lessons engaging and productive when you can see the funny side and share it. People learn better when they’re feeling good, too.

[Read: The ADHD Traits I Would Never Trade Away]

I’m also a closet show-off, so making an audience laugh (even if it’s captive) lifts my own mood and keeps my stress levels in check.

3. The Ability to Plan Under Pressure

Long-term projects are my nemesis. Chipping away at a faraway goal deprives me of the hit I need right now, this minute.

Weirdly, that’s where teaching works for me. I don’t sit down on a Sunday to plan. (I can’t. I’ve tried. It’s fruitless.) But the very tight deadline of an imminent lesson gives my distractible brain no choice but to snap into action. When it does, it’s with supercharged clarity and speed.

A sea of expectant faces is a sufficiently scary prospect to kickstart my concentration and wrestle floating, fragmented ideas into an anchored, coherent whole. The last half-hour before a lesson starts is when my plan comes together. Even if I’m still on the bus.

Because I work best this way, weekends are mainly my own.

4. Creativity and Competitiveness

‘Teacher talk time’ is part of my job. Some things just need explaining. But I drift off when I’m talked at for too long myself and I don’t want my learners to check out because I’ve bored them.

So I break up exposition with chats, games, and quizzes to give them chance to think and engage.

Competition cranks my focus up, too, so I use it with students as well. They sit up and dig deeper when victory’s at stake. A lively 10-minute grammar-off can save a lesson from sinking.

5. Deep Empathy

As a super-sensitive person with ADHD, I know first-hand how negative emotions can torpedo efforts to learn.

That awareness is useful because lots of my students have big stresses that mess with their concentration. They come from all over the world and have issues ranging from PTSD and homelessness to fears for family in war zones. Things I cannot imagine.

I can never solve their problems. What I can provide, thanks to empathy, is a warm, inclusive environment where people feel safe and valued.

I can also lend my ear after class where that’s what a person wants. Because of the way I’m built, it never feels like a chore.

Teaching with ADHD: Shedding Shame and Cultivating Gratitude

There will probably always be bits of my job I find hard because they’re dull. I’ve felt shame about that at times and suspected I’m lazy or weak. Now that I’m certain I’m neither, I can be more patient with myself and calmer when I’m tackling the tough stuff. And I can see much more clearly the many upsides of ADHD.

Being up front with others and listening to their own unique challenges has opened my eyes to how well my brain serves me at work. It has taught me to put much more store in the strengths I have — creativity, compassion and last-minute focus, for example —that some others don’t, and which are very likely down to the way I’m wired.

Teaching with ADHD: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: 25 Things to Love About ADHD
• Read: Great Job! A Career Happiness Formula for Adults with ADHD
• Read: “What If My Intense Drive Is Because of — Not in Spite of — My ADHD?”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Living with ADHD makes us more likely to engage in all sorts of self-sabotaging behavior — patterns that prevent us from reaching our goals, achieving peace, and finding happiness. I say “us” because, though I coach clients with ADHD who are their own worst enemies, I am not immune to self-sabotaging behaviors. As someone with ADHD, I, too, sometimes work against my own best interests.

Why We Engage in ADHD Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is hitting the snooze button despite knowing that we’ll be late to work. Or thrwarting anything good that comes our way for fear that we’ll mess it up somehow. Or depriving ourselves of our needs as punishment, because we think we deserve it. Or shutting down in the face of problems — and sometimes dealing with the stress by self-medicating.

But don’t make the mistake of confusing ADHD symptoms and traits for self-sabotaging behaviors. Difficulty managing time, for example, is an ADHD symptom. Repeatedly choosing not to set and adhere to alarms that can aid with time management is self-sabotage.

[Read: “4 ADHD Defense Mechanisms – and How to Break Them”]

We all have different reasons for engaging in self-sabotage; the following are the most common:

1. We don’t trust our abilities. When ADHD symptoms repeatedly undermine our skills, we begin to believe that we are incapable. We hyperfocus on all the times we’ve messed up.

I had a client who accidentally threw away a pizza and stored its empty box in his fridge. “I can’t even get pizza right,” my client thought as he spiraled into self-criticism and self-sabotage. “Why should I try for anything else?”

In my own life, I have felt many times — like when I started my ADHD coaching center — that I was not mature enough to make big, overwhelming decisions. Who was I to take this on? I felt like I needed parental guidance, even as an adult.

2. We fear failure. Fear of falling short of expectations is a major barrier that drives so many of us to procrastinate or never get started. When I was writing my manuscript for my first book, I had no expectations, so there was no fear of failure then. However, with my second book, the fear of failure kept creeping in. I thought, What if it doesn’t go well? What if it doesn’t work?

3. We fear success. This is a real phenomenon that I often see in high-functioning, go-getter individuals. They’ll succeed once, and worry — sometimes due to inconsistencies in performance driven by ADHD — that they won’t be able to repeat success. This is a classic sign of imposter syndrome.

4. We lack self-awareness. We may be unaware of the negative thought patterns and behaviors that impede our success. A client of mine had an interview for a dream job but had lots of negative feelings about it. Why? Because she had been previously fired from her workplace due to lateness, and she had begun internalizing negative emotions and shame around her skills and capabilities as a result.

[Read: Why ADHD Self-Awareness is the Key to Effective Action, Change, and Progress for Each of Us]

5. We shut down when things get difficult. When pressure builds, avoidance is a coping mechanism. A client of mine who struggled to manage stress and uncomfortable feelings around her responsibilities stayed in bed the whole day — even though those responsibilities were still there for her the next day. Sometimes, feelings of inadequacy can drive these actions.

All self-sabotaging behavior, no matter the form, is rooted in self-preservation. We engage in self-defeating behaviors to protect ourselves and our egos, and to feel safe. The problem is that these behaviors often backfire.

How to Halt Self-Sabotage

To break the cycle of self-sabotage, you must approach your challenges with the sense that you can understand, overcome, and even grow from them. Begin with these exercises:

• Identify the feelings behind your self-sabotaging behaviors using this format: When I feel [emotion], I tend to [self-sabotaging behavior]. Use a feelings wheel to guide you. An example: When I feel uncertain and vulnerable, I tend to

• Next, unpack the story behind your feelings. Does feeling uncertain make you feel stupid? Do you feel vulnerable when you don’t have all the answers, which causes you to procrastinate? What narratives are you creating in your mind that fuel self-sabotage?

Choose a Path Forward

Option 1: Reframe your negative emotions and experiences

The client who was nervous about interviewing connected with positive thoughts around the role and how it aligns perfectly with her interests and skills, which helped her feel much more confident during the interview. A negative experience in one workplace, she reminded herself, doesn’t define anyone.

Searching for the positive and having a sense of humor helps, too. The client who threw out a full pizza stopped berating himself long enough to recognize that the situation was pretty funny — and inconsequential.

Option 2: Accept your negative emotions, but stop self-sabotaging

You can acknowledge your negative feelings and refuse to let them dictate your actions. What got me to write and finish my second book, despite feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and vulnerable, was accepting that writing sucks — and so what?

Option 3: Do nothing because self-sabotaging feels so good

This is really a false choice, since continuing down the path of self-sabotage isn’t how you overcome it. You may be tempted to choose this option because every other choice takes a lot more effort. Only you can get yourself out of self-sabotaging behaviors. That said, if you’re unwilling or unable to engage in the other options, consider seeking help from a certified ADHD coach or an ADHD-informed mental health provider.

Develop Self-Supporting Behaviors

Meet Your Five Basic Needs

Self-sabotaging behaviors often arise from neglecting fundamental needs: survival (which includes nutrition, hydration, and sleep), power, love, fun, and freedom. Are you giving yourself enough rest, water, and the right food? If you’re feeling powerless over a situation, how can you gain some autonomy? If you resent that you lack fun in your life, how can you make space for it every day? How can you gain a sense of freedom and choice — which is so important for ADHD brains?

Add a Positive Character to Your Inner Dialogue

If the super critical voices in your head often drive you to self-sabotage, try introducing a supportive character that can help quiet the self-loathing. This could be a figure from literature, a movie, or even someone from your own life. Picture this character reassuring you: “Calm down, everything will be fine. Let’s keep things in perspective.” To help you narrow down on a character, think hard about why you’ve chosen them and how they’ll help you stop self-sabotaging.

Seek Formal Supports

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), along with other formal supports, therapies, and treatments for ADHD, are highly effective for those who are repeatedly self-sabotaging.

Self-Sabotage and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Healthy Habits Handbook
• Read:  “I’m Way Too Hard on Myself”
• Read: “I Am Fraught with Guilt and Shame When I Procrastinate”

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Interrupt the Cycle of Self-Sabotage in the New Year” [Video Replay & Podcast #492] with Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., which was broadcast on February 15, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

That study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, did not show a causal relationship. Patients in that study may have had conditions like diabetes or obesity, in addition to ADHD, that raised their risk of cardiovascular disease.

This is what I say to parents of my patients: ADHD causes all kinds of problems if it’s untreated. School failure, substance use, and, as an adult, poor job performance or getting fired, breakups in marriages — these are known risks when ADHD is not well managed.

In older populations, the risk for cardiovascular disease generally increases, but even then, I say to patients, “How are your diet, exercise, sleep, and other health habits?” These are the predictors of cardiovascular disease as best as we know. The study didn’t look at these factors.

Q: Does research show that nutrition plays a role in ADHD symptoms or symptom management?

We have every reason to think that healthy diets may lead to general benefits in mood and behavior. Large population-based studies suggest that food additives may have a relatively small negative effect on behavior. However, many parents report that children have hyperactive responses to sugar.

[Free Guide to ADHD Brain Food: What to Eat, What to Avoid]

New research is beginning to teach us more about the importance of a healthy diet and healthy gut biome. We know that too much processed food leads to the generation of unhealthy bacteria in the gut, which can create chemicals that pass through the blood-brain barrier and lead to problems, such as depression, anxiety, and possibly even ADHD. So, a healthy diet (along with adequate sleep and regular exercise) is likely to benefit people with ADHD.

Q: Does screen addiction over a period of several years affect a young adult’s brain development?

Very good studies have shown that screen time can lead to brain changes. A number of neuroimaging studies have proven this even in randomized controlled trials. Specifically, violent video games, such as first-person shooter games, have been found to lead to decreased empathy and social connections, increased negative and hostile thoughts, and possibly harmful actions.

ADHD Symptom Management: Next Steps

• Download: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD
• Read: 5 Smart Screen Rules for Teens with ADHD
• Read: Your ADHD Treatment Options — Medication, Diet, Therapy & More
• Find: ADHD Specialists and Clinics Near You

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

“In talking with Maria, it is clear that her family and instructors have historically viewed her as being intellectually quite bright and an underachiever.”

These are not a passive-aggressive bully’s words, a sibling’s backhanded compliment, or careless remarks delivered at a parent-teacher conference. These are the very deliberate words of a neurologist, neuropsychologist, and medical-education specialist following my ADHD evaluation in childhood. The intended audience: my parents, my family physician, and my teachers.

The clinic’s problematic “assessment” and cruel words still haunt me years later. I didn’t read their words until I was in my 40s, and I finally understood why I had a decades-long habit of telling people I have no special talents. The specialists stated in scientific terms that I, a child, was a talentless loser. My parents and my family physician believed them without question. What could my parents have done differently?

[Take This Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women and Girls]

Set in Their Ways

Despite education and experience, we know that experts make mistakes all the time. It’s why we frequently seek second medical opinions. My parents certainly needed one when the politely insulting report described my problems as “common” with ADHD, but the tone of the recommendations was “do better.” A second opinion would have offered my parents another analysis of my behaviors. Most importantly, I could have had a chance at a better life.

But my parents – education experts – were inclined to go along with what the evaluators said, as they shared similar vocational backgrounds. Though my mother still harbored some suspicions that I had ADHD, she and my father ultimately assumed that I was failing my classes on purpose. They made sure to share their theories about my behaviors with my teachers, who were more inclined to default to their opinions rather than their own judgment about my classroom behavior they saw every day.

What I Cannot Forgive

I can forgive science not catching up in time. (After all, it’s been more than 30 years since that evaluation and we’re still working to better understand ADHD in girls.) What I cannot forgive is my parents and the clinic for the cruelty, sexism, and failure to recognize the fact that I didn’t want to do poorly. In any setting, telling someone they do not have any special talents or that they’re an underachiever is an appalling insult.

[Read: “11 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self”]

The rest of the report would eventually prove hilariously inaccurate. “During the evaluation Maria did not demonstrate many of the learning deficits often observed in adolescents with a primary attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,” reads part of the report. Thirty-one years later, I received my ADHD diagnosis at age 44.

Ironically, the experts who wrote the report that detailed my carelessness and sloppiness also committed typographical, punctuation, and grammatical errors along with listing my incorrect home address on every page and misspelling my last name. Perhaps they were gifted in other areas? Unfortunately, those doctors didn’t provide their full names in the “scientific” report they authored, so I was never able to track them down to find out. What a relief for them.

Undiagnosed ADD: Next Steps

• Free eBook! We Demand Greater Research on Women with ADHD
• Read: “I Could Have Been Myself for So Much Longer.”
• Read: Stop the Cycle of Shame for Girls with ADHD

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on X and at mariareppas.com.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

When I’m “on” it feels like my mental faculties are on steroids. It’s like all the electrical fibers of my being are jacked up to the max, all in the name of social camouflage. I am ON.

Call it masking or impression management. Regardless, it’s a cover for us normally fidgety, possibly shy, and distracted interrupters who inhabit ADHD land.

Masking with ADHD Is Draining

“Masking” doesn’t feel how it sounds. “Herculean Hide” or “Backbreak Fake” sound more accurate. If you’ve ever masked, you know why: you’d give anything to be wearing a real mask in these situations.

Imagine having a roomy mask covering the entire front half of your skull, doing the work of being Fake You while Real You got to relax underneath. How luxurious would that be? You could stand there and not do or say a thing. You could relax and take a social nap behind Wonder Woman or Superman.

[Read: 7 Masks We Use to Hide Our Faults]

I wish it were as simple as wearing a literal mask – maybe one with talking powers.

Instead, masking is arduous, confusing, complicated, and draining. It’s multi-tasking to the nines while on stage without a lifeline, no parachute. That’s a far cry from chillaxing behind a cozy Wonder Woman mask. It’s having to be Wonder Woman, blindfolded.

A life with ADHD can give us the sense we’re less than. A mask temporarily fixes that. A mask takes the focus off us. It’s like hiding in tall grass while our hunters say to each other, “Nothing to see here. Let’s move on.”

It’s true that masking gets easier over time. We can become so expert at the practice that it’ll take a while – sometimes decades in the case of a late-stage ADHD diagnosis – until we learn about this ability that we’ve honed since childhood. It dawns on us that the arduousness and exhaustion we experienced all along in social interactions was not a given in the big universe of human experience.

But the maddening thing about masking is that, as we develop the skill, we also worry about how well we’re masking — a worry that sometimes ramps up into depression or anxiety.

So we put all this energy toward suppression, and for what? To only mask more and more until it drains the essence of us.

[Read: “We Are Who We Are. There’s No Shame in That.”]

Masking with ADHD: What Happened When I Let Go

As I began to educate myself on ADHD, I started to experiment with new ways of thinking and doing. One day, not long ago, I asked myself, “What if I let go of some of this masking? Would life be calmer? Would I survive without it?”

It turns out, yes.

I started small, in social situations where I had little to lose, or where I could practice taking off the mask without much notice. As soon as I decided I didn’t have to pretend I was Unreasonably Amazing Stephanie, the world got serene. It slowed down — my interior power grid stopped buzzing so loudly — and not one person seemed to care or notice. I learned that others do not have their attention glued to me as I had feared or assumed.

Since I’ve built the skills to better manage my ADHD, ditching the mask means I can manage my glitches as usual but without excessive social worry. I can’t tell you how freeing (and energy efficient) this is.

Making with ADHD: Next Steps

• Download: 25 Things to Love About ADHD
• Read: Crying, Screaming, and Hiding — All the Ways I Deal with ADHD Shame
• Read: You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion — How to Break the Habit of Internalized Criticism
• Blog: “I’m Not Hiding My ADHD Anymore”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Do you ever feel so wrecked by a critique or comment from your partner that you can’t seem to recover for days? Or do you feel silenced and stuck because your partner interprets any constructive feedback as disapproval, and reacts in the extremes?

ADHD complicates relationships on its own, but adding rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) to the equation almost always amplifies the strife. RSD describes unbearable, painful feelings related to a real or a perceived rejection, and the ensuing belief that people will pull back their love and support. This heightened sensitivity intensifies reactions to the natural ups and downs of relationships and increases interpersonal conflict, hostility, and hurt. It can be very complicated for couples to manage conflict, discuss delicate subjects, and process emotions successfully.

In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline will show you how to manage the special challenges that arise in relationships touched by RSD and ADHD. You will learn how to navigate the thorny path of RSD in relationships and shift toxic patterns to healthier interactions. She’ll teach you how both partners can better regulate and handle challenging conversations with less blame, negativity, and over-personalizing while fostering connection and closeness. Dr. Saline will offer concrete strategies for making repairs, creating effective bids for connection, using collaboration for disagreements, and improving relational empathy. You will leave with practical tools to listen and reduce reactivity.

In this webinar, you will learn…

1. How rejection sensitivity dysphoria works and manifests in adults
2. How RSD impacts relationships and creates special challenges
3. Effective strategies for coping with typical patterns of conflict in couples
4. How to reduce reactivity and improve communication with greater empathy

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

RSD in Relationships: More Resources

• Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Replay: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time
• Self-Test: RSD Symptoms Checklist
• Read: You Are Enough — Counteracting Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, & RSD
• eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on October 9, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life and The ADHD Solution Deck, specializes in working with children, teens, emerging adults and families living with ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, autism, twice exceptionalism, and mental health issues. (#CommissionsEarned) She lectures and facilitates workshops internationally on topics such as understanding ADHD, executive functioning, anxiety, motivation, different kinds of learners, and the teen brain. Dr. Saline is a regular contributor to ADDitudemag.com, among many other leading publications.

Learn more at www.drsharonsaline.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Listener Testimonials

“Really impressed with the content and how slick this production was! Thank you so much.”

“I have been with my partner for 25 years, and we’ve only just been diagnosed with ADHD. The webinar gave us hope.”

“I appreciated the ‘tricks’ to think about and try out when in the middle of a reaction.”

“Outstanding. Dr. Saline was excellent, both in substance and presentation.”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Are your relationships being impacted by ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)? We can help. Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, is designed to strengthen executive function, helping you manage these emotional complexities. Take our ADHD test or schedule a consultation to discover how Play Attention can support you in creating more balanced and harmonious interactions. Call 828-676-2240 or visit www.playattention.com.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Audacy

Episode Description

To kick off ADHD Empowerment Month, ADDitude asked you (our readers) to tell us how you define ADHD and its impact. More specifically, we asked: “If you were describing ADHD to a newly diagnosed child, how would you portray it in a way that builds self-esteem, hope, and resolve?”

In this webinar, we will share your responses and explore core ADHD strengths such as creativity, curiosity, problem-solving skills, and resilience with Penn and Kim Holderness, authors of the book ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide To (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD. Along the way, we will also celebrate some of the ways our ADHD brains make us undeniably awesome and essentially irreplaceable.

We know having ADHD is sometimes stressful , but the Holderness Family is very good at showing us how to shift our mindset and lean into the aspects of ADHD that make us unique and wonderful. In this webinar, we will discuss…

• Names that better describe ADHD
• Ways to reframe ADHD through a lens of strength to bolster a child’s or adult’s self-esteem
• Real-world examples of ADHD creativity and curiosity
• Favorite stories of ADHD problem-solving acumen from ADDitude readers
• The ADHD ability to bounce back and keep learning in the face of challenges
• How ADHD can help you win “The Amazing Race” (just kidding, but they actually did win!)
• And much more

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

ADHD Empowerment: More Resources

• Free Download: All the Best Parts of ADHD
  
• Replay: ADHD is Awesome — The Holderness Family Guide to Thriving with ADHD
  
• Read: “How My ADHD Makes Me a More Dynamic, Resourceful, Passionate Leader”
  
• eBook: Inattentive ADHD in Adults — An Essential Guide to the Underdiagnosed, Undertreated Subtype

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on October 1, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Penn & Kim Holderness are authors of The New York Times Bestselling Book, ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide To (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD. (#CommissionsEarned) They are award-winning online content creators known for their original music, song parodies, comedy sketches, and weekly podcast. Their videos have resulted in over two billion views and over nine million followers. Penn and Kim have been married for 19 years and were also winners of The Amazing Race (Season 33) on CBS.

Throughout all their endeavors, Penn and Kim have never shied away from tackling topics like living with ADHD and anxiety. The overwhelming positive feedback and support from their online community was a major motivation behind their ADHD book. Penn and Kim live in Raleigh, North Carolina, with their children, Lola and Penn Charles, and their dog, Sunny.

For more on The Holderness Family, visit theholdernessfamily.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Listener Testimonials

“Penn and Kim are great, and the webinar was indeed empowering. Thank you so much!”

“Thank you. I liked the added feature (video) to today’s webinar. Great addition!”

“Such encouraging and enlightening information from Penn, but also from the comments sent by participants. Thank you!”

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Audacy

How could time be so slippery? I went back and counted all the things I’d done earlier, because there surely had to be more accomplishments in my day. And there were — dishes, laundry, work tasks. Not bad — I’d assumed I’d only accomplished one thing, but I’d accomplished four, though three of those tasks could in no way account for all that time.

I went back through my day with a magnifying glass and — ah-ha! There they were! More accomplishments. Except these accomplishments were in the form of low-value but highly alluring distractions.

Was I mad at myself for wasting a precious Saturday? For once, I decided not to be.

A Guilt Trip Won’t Drive Me to Productivity Land

I looked down at the self-reproach stick I keep close at hand (if you have ADHD, you know the one) and flung it into the corner. Words came tumbling out of the stick and onto the floor. You shouldn’t have done what you did! How could you?!

[Read: “Shame Spiral Advice from the Counselor with ADHD Who Needs to Take Her Own Advice”]

I stepped on the words, squishing them. No mercy. Sometimes, we just need to be firm with our inner critical voices.

Instead of succumbing to self-reproach, I saw the opportunity to learn. I looked at how to prevent future Saturdays from looking like this Saturday.

I started by identifying what needed fixing and what needed encouraging, neither of which I could have done if I continued to harass myself over my missteps.

I decided to install a website blocker on my phone to deter me from reading the news, a big distractor. This worked for a while, and eventually it taught me that I don’t want to be looking at the news all day, anyway. These days, I don’t need the blocker. Instead, I purposely moved my news app four screens from the home screen. Every scroll to get there gives me a moment to mindfully pause and consider if I really want to read the news. The gap affords me the opportunity to choose better because I want to do better.

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

I also set up a decent, doable game plan for my weekends. Instead of thinking I can get everything done, I now have a good balance of tasks. I don’t crack the proverbial whip — well, at least not as much as I did, or at least not as wickedly. I settle in and enjoy my work, task after task, and revel in crossing each one off my list. I acknowledge each completed task to myself, which fuels me on to the next thing.

Finally, I decided to program fun at the end of the day to reward myself. It’s not major – online puzzles before bed are very fun and simple treats, if I do say so.

All this, and no self-berating sticks, no “wasted” weekends. It’s such a luxury in comparison to the alternative. The pivot from being mad at myself to being happy with my progress is such a life-changer. The more I gently encourage small steps, one after the other, the more I’m rocking Saturdays like you won’t believe.

Feeling Guilty for Not Being Productive: Next Steps for ADHD Brains

• Free Download: Get Control of Your Life and Schedule
• Read: “Use Your Time Wisely by ‘Spending’ It with Intent”
• Read: Stop Dodging That Dreaded Task! 9 Ways to Halt Avoidance Procrastination

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

I also wept for teenage me, who was called “dumb” and told countless times that she just needed to “try harder.” For the girl who felt she needed to wear a mask. No matter what I did, it never felt like it was good enough.

The tears I shed after my diagnoses have been like healing rains. The grief and shame I feel are real, but I don’t want to stay in these places for too long. I want to move beyond them. So, I have decided to try to find the victory stories I never experienced as a child.

I wish my teachers knew about my ADHD and dyscalculia. I’m going to imagine what life would have been like if they did, and what they might have written in my report cards had they known the truth about my determination, suffering, and self-esteem.

1. Tends to lose concentration easily.

Erica’s wonderfully wired mind works hard to help her manage her focus and attention. To our delight, we’ve found that coloring, drawing, and playing with putty also helps her focus. I am so proud of Erica for her continued efforts to focus in the classroom. Erica, you are doing so well!

[Read: Your After-Diagnosis Acceptance Guide]

2. Is not an attentive listener.

Erica tries really hard to listen, which is so impressive, as we understand that her mind is constantly flooded with millions of different thoughts, some of them intrusive and overwhelming. I am really proud of Erica for trying, even with such a busy brain, to slow down and wait her turn. These are not easy things for her to do, but she keeps on trying.

3. Has confusion with number recall; needs to work harder.

Erica works so hard to remember her numbers but faces the challenge of dyscalculia, which is a significant learning disability. I encourage Erica to be kind to herself and know that she is doing a spectacular job. She will thrive and succeed in school and beyond because she is brave and creative. Knowing numbers is not the sum of a life well lived. Keep going, Erica!

4. Must try harder to be attentive and polite when others are talking.

Erica cares for others so deeply that, when her classmates share stories, her mind, eager to know more, explodes with questions. Sometimes she blurts out those questions, but she isn’t being rude or self-absorbed when she does so. She experiences impulsivity issues, and she also wants to make sure she can squeeze her thought in before she forgets it. She works hard to be attentive, and her zeal, kindness, and passion for connecting with others is remarkable! She has started writing down things when others talk so she can remember what was said and ask her questions later on. Good job, Erica!

5. Has allowed outside problems to impact her work.

Erica has had a tough semester. Though a bully assaulted her, it was Erica who received punishment for swearing at her bully. This incident was, understandably, massively disruptive for Erica, who also experiences RSD and justice sensitivity. In any case, Erica’s wellbeing is far more important than her schoolwork. I recommend she take a mental health month and that the incident with the bully be properly addressed.

[Read: “What Is Wrong With Me?” ADHD Truths I Wish I Knew As a Kid]

6. Disappointing results from a student with potential.

Erica will never be a disappointment. The challenges she faces with her diagnoses are plenty, and her courage and ability to continue trying and keep laughing is admirable. This is a student who is living beyond her potential every single day!

From report card to report card, and each challenge in between, onward I go with the liberating exercise of rewriting my life pre-diagnosis, no longer carrying defeat but walking in victory.

What I Wish My Teacher Knew About My ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Series: The Adult’s Guide to Treating ADHD
• Read: 9 Mean Teacher Comments Every Student with ADHD Knows Too Well
• Read: Move Forward After a Diagnosis By Envisioning Your New Life
• Read: After the Diagnosis — The 5 Phases of ADHD ‘Realization’

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.