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Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

“I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe.”

Kim Holderness
By Kim Holderness Updated on October 14, 2024
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When my husband and I published a book called ADHD is Awesome we knew we’d have some explaining to do. After all, so much of ADHD is not… awesome. We used the word for its true meaning. Though it’s a writing style cliché to kick off with a definition, I think it’s important here:

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

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1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

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In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

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