Emotions & Shame

Self-Sabotage and ADHD: Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

Are you sometimes your own worst enemy? Don’t worry, you can tell us. (No shame here.) And we’ll tell you how to break the cycle of self-sabotage and adopt healthier habits.

Tamara Rosier, Ph.D.
By Tamara Rosier, Ph.D. Verified Updated on September 6, 2024
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Procrastination. Overcommitment. Intense people-pleasing. Avoidance. Excuses. Pessimism. Self-medication.

Living with ADHD makes us more likely to engage in all sorts of self-sabotaging behavior — patterns that prevent us from reaching our goals, achieving peace, and finding happiness. I say “us” because, though I coach clients with ADHD who are their own worst enemies, I am not immune to self-sabotaging behaviors. As someone with ADHD, I, too, sometimes work against my own best interests.

Why We Engage in ADHD Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is hitting the snooze button despite knowing that we’ll be late to work. Or thrwarting anything good that comes our way for fear that we’ll mess it up somehow. Or depriving ourselves of our needs as punishment, because we think we deserve it. Or shutting down in the face of problems — and sometimes dealing with the stress by self-medicating.

But don’t make the mistake of confusing ADHD symptoms and traits for self-sabotaging behaviors. Difficulty managing time, for example, is an ADHD symptom. Repeatedly choosing not to set and adhere to alarms that can aid with time management is self-sabotage.

[Read: “4 ADHD Defense Mechanisms – and How to Break Them”]

We all have different reasons for engaging in self-sabotage; the following are the most common:

1. We don’t trust our abilities. When ADHD symptoms repeatedly undermine our skills, we begin to believe that we are incapable. We hyperfocus on all the times we’ve messed up.

I had a client who accidentally threw away a pizza and stored its empty box in his fridge. “I can’t even get pizza right,” my client thought as he spiraled into self-criticism and self-sabotage. “Why should I try for anything else?”

In my own life, I have felt many times — like when I started my ADHD coaching center — that I was not mature enough to make big, overwhelming decisions. Who was I to take this on? I felt like I needed parental guidance, even as an adult.

2. We fear failure. Fear of falling short of expectations is a major barrier that drives so many of us to procrastinate or never get started. When I was writing my manuscript for my first book, I had no expectations, so there was no fear of failure then. However, with my second book, the fear of failure kept creeping in. I thought, What if it doesn’t go well? What if it doesn’t work?

3. We fear success. This is a real phenomenon that I often see in high-functioning, go-getter individuals. They’ll succeed once, and worry — sometimes due to inconsistencies in performance driven by ADHD — that they won’t be able to repeat success. This is a classic sign of imposter syndrome.

4. We lack self-awareness. We may be unaware of the negative thought patterns and behaviors that impede our success. A client of mine had an interview for a dream job but had lots of negative feelings about it. Why? Because she had been previously fired from her workplace due to lateness, and she had begun internalizing negative emotions and shame around her skills and capabilities as a result.

[Read: Why ADHD Self-Awareness is the Key to Effective Action, Change, and Progress for Each of Us]

5. We shut down when things get difficult. When pressure builds, avoidance is a coping mechanism. A client of mine who struggled to manage stress and uncomfortable feelings around her responsibilities stayed in bed the whole day — even though those responsibilities were still there for her the next day. Sometimes, feelings of inadequacy can drive these actions.

All self-sabotaging behavior, no matter the form, is rooted in self-preservation. We engage in self-defeating behaviors to protect ourselves and our egos, and to feel safe. The problem is that these behaviors often backfire.

How to Halt Self-Sabotage

To break the cycle of self-sabotage, you must approach your challenges with the sense that you can understand, overcome, and even grow from them. Begin with these exercises:

  • Identify the feelings behind your self-sabotaging behaviors using this format: When I feel [emotion], I tend to [self-sabotaging behavior]. Use a feelings wheel to guide you. An example: When I feel uncertain and vulnerable, I tend to
  • Next, unpack the story behind your feelings. Does feeling uncertain make you feel stupid? Do you feel vulnerable when you don’t have all the answers, which causes you to procrastinate? What narratives are you creating in your mind that fuel self-sabotage?

Choose a Path Forward

Option 1: Reframe your negative emotions and experiences

The client who was nervous about interviewing connected with positive thoughts around the role and how it aligns perfectly with her interests and skills, which helped her feel much more confident during the interview. A negative experience in one workplace, she reminded herself, doesn’t define anyone.

Searching for the positive and having a sense of humor helps, too. The client who threw out a full pizza stopped berating himself long enough to recognize that the situation was pretty funny — and inconsequential.

Option 2: Accept your negative emotions, but stop self-sabotaging

You can acknowledge your negative feelings and refuse to let them dictate your actions. What got me to write and finish my second book, despite feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and vulnerable, was accepting that writing sucks — and so what?

Option 3: Do nothing because self-sabotaging feels so good

This is really a false choice, since continuing down the path of self-sabotage isn’t how you overcome it. You may be tempted to choose this option because every other choice takes a lot more effort. Only you can get yourself out of self-sabotaging behaviors. That said, if you’re unwilling or unable to engage in the other options, consider seeking help from a certified ADHD coach or an ADHD-informed mental health provider.

Develop Self-Supporting Behaviors

Meet Your Five Basic Needs

Self-sabotaging behaviors often arise from neglecting fundamental needs: survival (which includes nutrition, hydration, and sleep), power, love, fun, and freedom. Are you giving yourself enough rest, water, and the right food? If you’re feeling powerless over a situation, how can you gain some autonomy? If you resent that you lack fun in your life, how can you make space for it every day? How can you gain a sense of freedom and choice — which is so important for ADHD brains?

Add a Positive Character to Your Inner Dialogue

If the super critical voices in your head often drive you to self-sabotage, try introducing a supportive character that can help quiet the self-loathing. This could be a figure from literature, a movie, or even someone from your own life. Picture this character reassuring you: “Calm down, everything will be fine. Let’s keep things in perspective.” To help you narrow down on a character, think hard about why you’ve chosen them and how they’ll help you stop self-sabotaging.

Seek Formal Supports

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), along with other formal supports, therapies, and treatments for ADHD, are highly effective for those who are repeatedly self-sabotaging.

Self-Sabotage and ADHD: Next Steps

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Interrupt the Cycle of Self-Sabotage in the New Year” [Video Replay & Podcast #492] with Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., which was broadcast on February 15, 2024.

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