“Call a dog by a name enough times and he will eventually respond to it.”
I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.
Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was repeatedly labeled…
Lazy. Unmotivated. Smart but slacks off. Careless. Indifferent. Clumsy. Forgetful. Distracted. Sloppy. Listens but doesn’t follow directions. Doesn’t listen. Won’t listen. Stubborn.
Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.
A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.
1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.
[Read: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter]
2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.
3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.
The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.
4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.” Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.
[Read: Protecting the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD]
But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.
5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.
Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.
Girls with ADD: Next Steps
- Read: The ADHD Soul Shine Kit — Build Your Child’s Self Esteem
- Read: How to Protect the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD
- Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
- Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges
Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.
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Updated on October 16, 2024