I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was repeatedly labeled…

Lazy. Unmotivated. Smart but slacks off. Careless. Indifferent. Clumsy. Forgetful. Distracted. Sloppy. Listens but doesn’t follow directions. Doesn’t listen. Won’t listen. Stubborn.

Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.

A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.

1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.

[Read: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter]

2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.

3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.

The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.

4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.” Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.

[Read: Protecting the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD]

But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.

5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.

Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.

Girls with ADD: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Soul Shine Kit — Build Your Child’s Self Esteem
• Read: How to Protect the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD
• Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast.  Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider.  Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.  

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“It takes forever to get these coins when you’re playing,” he said, showing me the game. “I can spend $1.99 and get 800 coins, but only if I do it now! It’s 90% off, but the deal only lasts for 58 more minutes! Please, Mom?”

“Luca,” I said. “When a game tells you something is 90% off, that’s just marketing designed to make you want to spend money.”

“It’s working,” Luca said earnestly. “I do want to spend my money. And it’s my money.”

I sighed.

Luca’s request had come a few days after my husband and I opened a debit account for him and his older brother, Max, for their 9^th and 11^th birthdays, respectively.

“We told you your savings was your money,” I said to Luca. “But we also said we weren’t going to let you spend it on just anything, remember?”

[Self-Test: Could Your Child Be Showing Signs of Gaming Addiction?]

“This is not just anything. It’s only $1.99 and I’ve been playing this game for weeks and this is the best deal I’ve ever seen. Ever.”

“OK,” I finally said. “This is a yes.”

I pressed my thumb on the sensor to authorize the purchase and a delighted Luca raced off to show Max, my ADHD-wired firstborn.

This, my friends, is when all the trouble really started.

The Big Business of In-App Purchases

Max quickly appeared to demand a similar purchase in a game. Eager to allow my boys to exercise their decision-making muscles, I said yes. So when the boys showed up repeatedly in the following days with additional purchase requests, I kept saying yes.

Two weeks later, both boys had spent more than $150. I was getting very worried. Though I tried to dissuade or delay them each time they came to me, their interest wasn’t waning, even as they burned through their savings. But while Luca’s spending eventually slowed, Max’s didn’t. If anything, he was picking up speed — requesting more expensive purchases, more frequently.

[Read: Why Screens Mesmerize Our Teens — and How to Break the Trance]

This was very out of character for Max, who had previously been resistant to spending any money — preferring instead to save it and plot about spending it on completely age-inappropriate things, like spear guns for fishing. After his first in-app purchase, it was shocking to see how quickly he transformed from miser to spendthrift.

When Max came to me for the second time in a single day requesting to spend another $26, I decided I wasn’t prepared to let him spend all his savings.

“I think we need a circuit breaker here — a pause,” I told Max. “I think that I should say ‘no’ to in-app purchases for the next week. What do you think?”

Unsurprisingly, Max did not think we needed a circuit breaker.

We settled on this: Max still had the choice to go through with this particular purchase (which he did) and then we would have a 10-day “no purchases” circuit-breaker.

That original circuit-breaker temporarily slowed things down, but it did not completely quell his willingness to spend money.

I know our family is far from alone in these struggles. In moderation, in-app purchases can be an easy way to have a bit of fun in a game. But in-app purchasing has become a billion-dollar business. Many iPad games are sophisticated marketing machines that use gambling tactics and other predatory techniques to market directly to children. The dopamine rush of leveling up in a game after spending money is addictive and the consequences are profound. Some parents report that their kids have become secretive and deceitful — guessing or stealing passwords, using credit cards without permissions, resetting devices to restore permissions, and finding other workarounds that will enable them to keep clicking “purchase.” Our children with ADHD, who struggle with impulse control and regulation, are far less equipped to resist this powerful temptation.

So what can parents do? What do I recommend as a psychologist, as the mother of a demand-avoidant pre-teen with ADHD, and as someone who’s learned a lot about this the hard way in the last couple of years?

My first piece of advice: Keep this Pandora’s Box closed for as long as possible. If you haven’t yet started down this path, don’t.

• Invest in games, gaming systems, and subscription services such as Apple Arcade that don’t offer in-app purchases and/or show ads. They are worth the money.
• Make it a family norm early on that you don’t download games that offer in-app purchases.
• If and when you do download a game that offers in-app purchases, make it clear that you will never authorize any in-app purchases for this game. Take it a step further and disable in-app purchases on your child’s device.

If you ever do decide to allow your child to make in-app purchases, have some discussions first:

1. Set clear limits – but expect boundary-pushing. Establish how much money they have available to spend and how quickly they can spend it. Even with these limits, brace for fallout, pleas, and arguments when their money runs out, and plan ahead for how you will respond to that fallout.

2. Express your wants. The day that Max came to me twice to make an in-app purchase, I told him I had two wants. “I want to allow you to make your own decisions,” I said. “And I want to help you make wise decisions and teach you how to resist the powerful desire to buy things.”

3. Teach your kid about marketing tactics such as price anchoring, charm pricing, and the scarcity effect. When they come to you about a purchase, challenge them to spot the marketing tactics being used on them.

4. Talk to your child about other dynamics that drive in-app purchasing, such as chasing the dopamine buzz, the social pressure of keeping up with friends, the desire to make progress fast in a game, and so on.

5. Talk to your child about their ADHD brain. They should understand that impulse control challenges come with the territory, which makes it especially hard to resist the temptation to buy.

6. Invite your child to problem-solve when issues come up. Be open with your child about any concerning patterns or behaviors you’ve noticed regarding in-app purchases. Ask for their input as you find a viable way forward.

7. Experiment with different approaches and solutions to limit in-app purchases. Some ideas to get you started:

• X-day/week blackout periods
• weekly or monthly spending limits
• waiting periods for spending (e.g., wait 24 hours before making an in-app purchase)
• written agreements that include consequences for circumventing the rules

8. Don’t be afraid to feel your way forward.
Just because you’ve agreed to a measure doesn’t mean that you will do things this way and forevermore. In fact, don’t expect any solutions you negotiate to hold for longer than a couple of months. Expecting to revisit this issue regularly will help you be more patient and feel less frustrated.

The other day, I asked Max for advice he thought I should give other parents who are in this situation. “Just say no, and NEVER SAY YES,” he responded. “Basically, be way stricter with them than you’ve been with us.”

“But what about families like ours where we’ve already said yes sometimes?” I said. “What can you do then?”

“Well,” Max said, getting more creative. “Tell your kids that the currency for the game has changed, and you can’t get any of that new currency. So, it’s broken. You just can’t do it.”

“So… lie?” I asked. “Yes,” Max said. “Lie.”

In moments when we may be tempted to lie to our kids, I often wish we had in-parenting purchase options — for upgrading patience, boosting problem-solving skills, or short-circuiting conflicts. Alas, the game we’re playing as parents is a no-shortcuts quest.

In App Purchases: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: Too Much Screen Time? How to Regulate Your Teen’s Electronics Use
• Read: 5 Tips for Teaching Children with ADHD to Manage Money
• Get This eBook: Positive Parenting Tips — ADHD Strategies for Improving Behavior

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My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.

He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.

“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”

He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.

Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels

Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.

My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.

My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.

Like Father, Like Son

“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.

“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.

[Read: “My ADHD Family Tree — Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”]

I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.

We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.

Our ADHD Family

We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.

We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.

I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.

ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: 5 Ways to Build Bonds – A Guide for ADHD Dads
• Read: Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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When my husband and I published a book called ADHD is Awesome we knew we’d have some explaining to do. After all, so much of ADHD is not… awesome. We used the word for its true meaning. Though it’s a writing style cliché to kick off with a definition, I think it’s important here:

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

LIVE WEBINAR WITH KIM & PENN HOLDERNESS
Register for this free webinar on Tuesday, October 1, and get an opportunity to ask your questions to Kim & Penn Holderness live. Plus, get the replay link to share.

1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

[Get This Free Download: Celebrate ADHD Empowerment Month!]

In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

• Get the Book! ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving with ADHD
• Read: Holderness Family Values — 9 ADHD Truths (with a Side of Laughter)
• Read: What I Would Never Trade Away
• Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

My professor had given us clear instructions. I was passionate about (read: hyperfixated on) the subject. I’d been researching for days. But I couldn’t seem to get started — there was too much I wanted to say and, horror of horrors, I couldn’t even use the just-start-rambling tactic that had carried me through high school. The topic was too important, the stakes were too high, and every time I started to write, it came out wrong.

Like many with ADHD, I’m an all-or-nothing type. I haven’t yet found the magic key that lets me put, say, 45% effort into something. I have to give 100% perfection or it’s simply not worth doing at all.

All the same time, in high school, even when I’d make a bulleted outline for an essay and try to follow it, I’d get stuck, delete the outline in frustration, abandon the draft entirely, and write the whole essay in one go. Writing off the cuff produced some beautiful sentences, but I was prone to rambling or leaving things out. When I’d revise, I couldn’t recapture the energy and thought process I had while freewriting. Even with a reverse outline (first draft then outline), I got stuck. My transitions didn’t make as much sense the second time around, my writing seemed clunkier, and I still ended up scrapping everything. For a while, this strategy was workable. My essays, while spontaneous and poorly outlined, were good enough.

Now in college, as the night wore on and my meds wore off – still with no essay in sight – I was frustrated to the point of tears. Then I had an idea: I decided that if I couldn’t write the best version of my essay, or even a good version of my essay, I would write the worst version of my essay. And that’s what I did. I wrote in purposefully irreverent, goofy ways that amused me and kept my attention. In the end, to my surprise, I had a draft that had actually captured my ideas and was fun to read during revision.

I dubbed this strategy The Crappy Draft.

[Read: How to Prepare Your ADHD Teen for College, According to Research]

Why The Crappy Draft Technique Works for ADHD College Students

The goal of The Crappy Draft is twofold. First, it relieves the pressure to Write Something Good and makes the task that’s been driving you crazy into something lighthearted, with stakes so low they’re in the ground. And you get something done. Revising is tomorrow’s problem; tonight, you can sleep knowing you got started.

Second, The Crappy Draft lets you see the shape of your essay. Yes, this version may be nonsensical, but it also holds great wisdom. One of the great skills of the ADHD brain is making connections even where seemingly none exist. If harnessed correctly, this can be a great essay-writing tool: the ways in which you jump from one topic to another when you’re not thinking about writing a polished draft often allow for your best ideas to come forward.

You may be surprised to find how easy it is to turn something from apparent crap into an eloquent essay! For example, in one Crappy Draft of a history paper, I wrote “We can all talk a big game about war, but maybe we mostly just want everyone to have enough potatoes and not get their stuff stolen.” In the final version of the essay, this became “People want to avoid war more than they want to protect territory or follow orders, and sometimes they can even succeed in avoiding it.”

I’ve since used The Crappy Draft approach to great success every time I feel even slightly stuck on an essay. The Crappy Draft allows me the pleasure of writing in my own voice while capturing all of my ideas without censoring myself or succumbing to anxiety. And because my goofy Crappy Drafts are fun to read, they keep me focused when I go back to revise. The process is more manageable, and the final product is more organized, thoughtful, and in-depth.

[Read: “Writing Made Easier for College Kids with Learning Differences”]

How to Write Your Own Crappy Draft

1. Type at the top of your document: THIS DRAFT IS CRAPPY ON PURPOSE. I’LL MAKE IT GOOD LATER.

I type this in bold and highlight the words in red, but you do you. The important thing is that by writing this affirmation, you release yourself from the need to write anything presentable.

2. Write the silliest version of your draft you can possibly write.

Hit the points you want to hit but don’t pay any attention to whether you’re hitting them in the right order. Forgo punctuation. Don’t just write from your inner monologue — write from the most informal, personal part of your brain. Put in as many swears and as much Internet slang as you want. Make yourself laugh. Have fun with it.

Don’t forget the “assignment” part entirely, though. Here’s what I wrote one of my Crappy Drafts when I noticed myself going wildly off topic and getting distracted:

Man, do you ever think about the butterfly effe– [I AM HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A COMICALLY LARGE HAMMER. NEXT PARAGRAPH PLEASE !!]

Optional step: Change the font to Comic Sans or some other stupid-looking font.

This is also a neat trick for resetting your brain when you’ve been staring at your words for hours and are starting to hate them. Different font? Ooh, it must be a different task! How new and exciting!

3. Get a good night’s sleep and revise another day.

I’m hopeful that your Crappy Draft will surprise you and make you smile. Read your draft with an open mind. Follow what jumps out at you, and you’ll find the makings of a strong, cohesive essay.

How to Write an Essay in College: Next Steps

• Free Download: How to Get ADHD Accommodations in College
• Read: “3 College Tips to Help Students Stress Less, Learn More”
• Read: “Yes, You Really Do Belong in College”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Gus Walz’s expression of pure love and joy should have been seen for what it was: an unfiltered and positive emotional response to a big moment. Sadly, the moment served as yet another opportunity to divide Americans. While most people saw Gus’s reaction as an historic moment for neurodiversity, a vocal minority sneered, criticized, and hurled insults at an innocent young person.

What Does Neurodivergence Mean?

Neurodivergence is a word used to describe naturally occurring differences in how the human brain develops that result in variations in “wiring” and how we process information. These differences may affect around 20% of the population and occur in people with ADHD, dyslexia, autism, and nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD). These and other conditions can lead to challenges with functioning in key life areas. In young people like Gus, these differences may result in variations in how they process nonverbal information, recognize patterns, develop social skills and awareness, process sensory information, and engage in executive function tasks.

[Take This Test: Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD) in Children]

It’s not uncommon for the neurodivergent community, particularly children and young adults, to battle stigma, insults, and misconceptions about their conditions. Gus’s reaction to his father’s speech was another example of how kids who learn and think differently are vulnerable to cruelty — even in their most benign or joy-filled moments. Only this moment was televised. Frankly, I’m glad it was.

Neurodivergence is a relatively new term, but it’s becoming more commonplace in American society. This is likely due to increases in diagnoses and perhaps increases in social media use to amplify individuals’ experiences. For example, a 2022 report from the CDC revealed that about 1 million more children received an ADHD diagnosis in 2022 than did in 2016. Even so, neurodivergence isn’t discussed nearly enough, making it easier for people to make false assumptions that impact children and their families every day.

Parents of neurodivergent children often face challenges in accessing accurate and reputable resources to help them in their day-to-day lives, resulting in feelings of isolation and loneliness. In the absence of awareness and widespread education, navigating learning and thinking differences can be a nightmare for the child — and a massive source of stress for their parents. Understood.org’s Neurodiversity and Stigma survey from 2022 found that nearly 70% of parents felt stigmas surrounding their child’s differences affected their mental health negatively. Another 2024 survey revealed that 96% of parents with neurodivergent children reported feeling stressed during the back-to-school season.

How to Help Neurodivergent Children Navigate Stigmas

As a licensed psychologist with more than 20 years of experience working with neurodivergent people, I’ve participated in dozens of programs designed to help educate the public and reduce stigmas for people with differences. Here are a few takeaways I share with parents:

• Educate yourself on current evidence-based information about your child’s learning and thinking differences.
• Talk to your child about their differences and how it affects them.
• Provide an informational bridge between home and school to help educate and inform teachers about thinking and learning differences and to help your child access accommodations.
• Advocate for inclusion and use of Universal Design for Learning strategies to support neurodivergent and neurotypical students in shared learning environments.
• Provide direct strategies for identifying challenges and asking for help. Role-playing or practicing with a script can help kids and adults ask for what they need to thrive.

[Free Download: Signs of Dyslexia at Every Age]

When I watched Gus Walz’s reactions to his father’s nomination, I was brought to tears by this pure and amazing display. Politics aside, this moment provides us with a remarkable opportunity to amplify and support neurodivergent individuals by having an open dialogue in our country about what it means to learn and think differently. Let’s not let this moment slip by.

Gus Walz and Nurturing sNeurodivergent Children: Next Steps

• Free Download: Is It an LD? Your Free Guide
• Read: Why Nonverbal Learning Disorder Is So Often Mistaken for ADHD
• Read: 19 Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children
• Watch: “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children”

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Parent training didn’t prepare me for this. My husband and I stood there, quietly whispering to each other for an excruciating 20 minutes until our daughter finally calmed down. In that time, I was desperate for the screaming, the stares, and others’ well-intentioned, albeit unhelpful, suggestions (to give her a snack or a drink) to stop. This was not the highlight of my mothering career.

Eventually, all those things did (thankfully) come to a halt. My baby stood up quietly after her meltdown, looking disoriented. Then, she stumbled in my direction and finally held my hand instead of running ahead of us like we asked her to, which is what led to the whole fiasco in the first place.

Emotional Dysregulation: A Core But Overlooked Part of ADHD

Emotional dysregulation is not new — to my daughter or to any other person with ADHD. But it was an aspect of ADHD that took me a long time to fully appreciate.

The problem is that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD intentionally exclude emotion dysregulation, despite it being historically conceptualized as a crucial characteristic of the condition. Emotional dysregulation was written about as an issue related to ADHD symptoms as early as the 1700s up until 1968, when the diagnosis of hyperkinetic reaction of childhood was first introduced in the DSM-II. Around this time, emotion dysregulation started to become a forgotten part of the equation for ADHD, and public discussion of ADHD-fueled tantrums and angry outbursts all but halted.

[Get This Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions]

This is why, despite my psychology graduate coursework and training in ADHD, my daughter’s behavior was still confounding. On the one hand, I knew that she struggled with ADHD from an early age because her symptoms were consistent with current diagnostic criteria. On the other, her obvious emotional challenges compared to other girls and children her age, were not reflected in the DSM.

Could My Daughter’s Intense Emotions Be a Sign of DMDD?

Adding to my confusion was the fact that emotion dysregulation isn’t exclusive to ADHD. For example, children with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) display irritable mood and emotional outbursts that could be verbal or physical and that occur at least three times per week. It is a condition that goes beyond temper tantrums.

DMDD was added to the DSM-5 because mental health professionals were over-diagnosing bipolar disorder, a condition that causes extreme changes in mood in children. DMDD was meant to account for children who didn’t quite meet criteria for bipolar disorder, and who presented with more general irritability.

Without much mention of emotion dysregulation’s connection to ADHD in my training and in what doctors told me, my daughter’s intense emotional responses made me wonder — could this be a case of DMDD, too?

[Self Test: Does My Child Have Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?]

The Truth About ADHD and Intense Emotions

William French, M.D., explains that the key to differentiating between DMDD and emotion dysregulation as a part of ADHD is the child’s mood between temper outbursts. Children with ADHD (and adults, too, for that matter) experience emotions intensely, but these emotions are not all negative.

Individuals with ADHD can also be incredibly excited or calm between emotional outbursts. Russell Barkley, Ph.D., says the reason the negative emotions get so much attention is because they lead to obvious social and functional challenges. While someone with ADHD experiences various emotions between periods of intense negative emotional outbursts, a person with DMDD has more persistent irritable mood between episodes.

Without a shred of doubt, I understand today – though it took lots of time and headaches to get here – that my daughter’s intense emotions are part of her ADHD.

But in my own practice, where I see neurodivergent youth, I increasingly see patients come in with an ill-fitting DMDD diagnosis. As I’ve become more and more self-educated about ADHD and emotion dysregulation, I’m convinced that many clinicians, misled by current diagnostic criteria, may be readily misattributing this central feature of ADHD to DMDD.

This is a problem, for one, because inaccurate diagnoses delay access to life-changing treatment and can cause further health complications. In addition. whether we’d like to admit it or not, certain labels carry heavier stigma than do others. Before they see me, many children with the DMDD diagnosis are turned away from other private practices, deemed too “severe” to treat. Children can also be inappropriately judged by schools when they are given labels reflecting severely dysregulated mood.

It’s important to remember that the DSM, in general, aims to simplify. But, far from simple, human beings are nuanced, and so is the way ADHD presents.

If diagnosticians took a step back and actually looked at the ADHD brain and listened to the lived experiences of individuals, maybe then they could start to understand those who are so unnecessarily misjudged, like my daughter could have been.

ADHD and Intense Emotions: Next Steps

• Free Download: Scripts to Use When Emotionally Dysregulated
• Read: “Does ADHD Emotional Dysregulation Ever Fade?”
• Read: ADHD and Emotional Regulation — A Parent’s Guide
• Get the eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

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A few years ago, Michael, a nine-year-old boy, was brought to my office by his parents. Mom and Dad seemed comfortable when I greeted them in the waiting room, and they easily conversed as they followed me back to my office. They joked with Michael, and he appeared at ease.

After talking for a few minutes, I asked them, “So, why did you bring Michael to see me?

“The teachers say that he has a lot of trouble staying focused in the classroom,” his mom responded. “They say that he is very bright but doesn’t do well on tests because he rushes, doesn’t check his answers, and seems to stare off. Often, he only completes half of his tests. While he answers questions correctly, he fails the test because he does not complete it.”

At this point, Dad spoke up. “Wait a minute, Gayle. You know my mother told you I had the same trouble in school, but I turned out fine.”

I would have missed it had I not been sitting directly across from her, but it was at this moment that Michael’s mom rolled her eyes.

[Free Guide: What Every Thorough ADHD Diagnosis Includes]

After some testing and discussions with the teacher, Michael was diagnosed with ADHD. However, over the next five years, his father resisted the idea of treating Michael with ADHD medication, even though he responded extremely well to it, with minimal, non-serious side effects.

Dad also frequently “forgot” to give Michael his ADHD medication. If I had missed this earlier warning, I am sure I would have eventually picked up on Dad’s resistance. But the point of this story is not that Michael’s medical care would have been compromised had I missed the eye-rolling. It is that every person emits hundreds of these small, non-verbal communications every hour. And all of us, including physicians, unconsciously interpret these communications, usually accurately. Telehealth interferes with those subtle cues, which may result in a patient’s misdiagnosis or inappropriate treatment decisions.

Pros & Cons of Telehealth Evaluations for ADHD

There are certainly advantages to telehealth medical evaluations for ADHD. For one, they are relatively easy to set up. They eliminate the need to travel from home to a clinic or office, which can be problematic for some. For patients who do not have a steady income source, these evaluations also may be less expensive than in-person evaluations.

Regardless, there are serious concerns about the accuracy of telehealth evaluations. Since there are no blood tests, specific laboratory findings, X-ray findings, or diagnostic findings on a patient’s physical or neurological evaluations, the diagnosis of ADHD usually depends on a patient’s (or their parent’s) self-reporting.

[Free Directory: ADHD Specialists Serving Patients Near You]

This has proven problematic — and, in some cases, fraudulent. In June, the Justice Department charged two executives at the telehealth company Done Global with allegedly distributing Adderall and other stimulants for ADHD to patients without a proper diagnosis. Done reportedly made ADHD diagnoses based on a patient’s minute-long self-assessment and a 30-minute or less virtual evaluation with a provider.

A Better Way to Evaluate ADHD

Most pediatricians will evaluate their young patients with one parent in the room. I strongly encourage both parents to come to the initial evaluations and follow-up visits.

During the 40 years that I have evaluated patients for ADHD, I have noticed that subtle non-verbal facial expressions and messages reveal much more about how each parent feels about their child’s diagnosis or treatment than what they say. These cues could be easily missed during a telehealth evaluation.

For example, I met Danny several years ago. His mother sat in front of my desk, with Danny to her right. He appeared uninterested in our conversation but was in a good mood and smiled occasionally. While his mother spoke, Danny fidgeted, looked out the window, moved around in his seat, and interrupted occasionally.

When I asked Danny’s mom what her biggest concern was, she said, “Well, he is highly intelligent, but he has a tough time staying focused and quiet in school. As a result, he has a difficult time learning. He is very scattered.”

So, I asked my usual questions: When did this start? How was he doing in school? How were his grades? How did he get along with other kids?

[Free Series: The Caregiver’s Guide to ADHD Diagnosis]

She tried to answer each question but became visibly frustrated. Her voice quivered, and she seemed on the brink of crying. Then, she stopped talking and reached into her bag. She pulled out a brightly colored, ragged spiral notebook and handed it to me.

“Danny’s teacher uses this calendar notebook to communicate with her students’ parents,” she explained. “The teacher will write a short note about how Danny did that day. I can write a response or ask a question. The notebook goes from home to school and back again daily.”

Later that day, I started reading the notebook. But by the time I got to the third page, I felt tears in my eyes.

I didn’t need to continue reading to know what was in the rest of the notebook. I was so used to treating children with behavior and learning problems like a detective, objectively analyzing the facts, that I had forgotten what it felt like to a child and their parents. Suddenly, reading this notebook, I could tell exactly how Danny and his mother felt.

If I had used telehealth, I might have received the notebook eventually, but I would have missed how Danny’s behavior affected their lives. I might also have seen Danny’s mother’s tears on the computer monitor. However, my bigger concern was what I may have missed and how that could have affected Danny’s diagnosis and treatment.

Telehealth ADHD Evaluations: Next Steps

• Special Report: ADHD Telehealth Patients Report Rushed Diagnoses, Medication Prescriptions
• Read: Your Complete ADHD Diagnosis and Testing Guide
• Watch: Virtual Mental Health Providers – How to Get Quality ADHD Care Online
• Download: Free Guide: Does My Child Have ADHD? 

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I finished a word problem, clicked answer C, yet something didn’t feel right. I had only clicked one answer, but my brain convinced me I needed to click all the other answer options to make it an even number. Once I did that, I then re-selected only my original answer, with a different finger, careful not to disrupt the pattern. Finally, I could move on.

I continued in this way throughout the test, my anxiety growing. I noticed the sound of keyboards clicking as my peers moved effortlessly from question to question. At the top of my browser, the seconds passed quickly and I began to fear I would not finish in time.

This sensation was all-too-familiar, but I’d never felt it in such a high-stakes environment. As the test dragged on, I felt more and more hopeless about my PSAT score — and I knew just what to blame.

My Life with OCD

I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) at the age of 7, after my parents observed the little rituals and patterns I acted out constantly. My OCD began as a way of coping with my emetophobia, an extreme fear of vomiting. My brain told me that I could prevent myself from getting sick if I performed certain actions perfectly. If I got a “booboo” on one finger, I had to put bandages on all of my other fingers so they would “match.” When I would wash my hands, I had to turn the sink on and off seven times and use seven pumps of soap. If I messed up, I was determined to find a way to correct it. Until I did, I was plagued with a sense of impending doom.

[Take This Self-Test: Could Your Child Have OCD?]

The solution here may seem obvious: just don’t do the compulsion. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as that. Imagine that you have a voice in your brain convincing you that, unless you turn the light switch on and off several times, your loved one will die. You know it’s an irrational fear but, still, you feel as though you could not tolerate taking that risk.

That’s how I feel every day.

OCD Is Not What You Think It Is

Over the years, my compulsions have presented themselves in many different ways, but they all share this in common: they make “normal” tasks exponentially more challenging.

And then, of course, there’s the embarrassment of having to explain myself to others. In case you’ve forgotten, teenagers are not the most understanding audience for unconventional behaviors. If you were in Trig and saw the girl sitting next to you write and erase her name seven times on her worksheet, you’d probably be perturbed and think that she were a basket case. That’s not how I want people to regard me. Sure, I could explain to them that I did the behavior to prevent my imminent death, but how receptive do you think they’d be to that rationale? It’s an awkward position for both parties.

OCD myths and misperceptions contribute to this stigma and shame. One of the most popular myths is that OCD only presents as cleanliness, neatness, or attention to detail.

[Get This Free Download: Is It OCD or ADHD?]

“OMG, I have to organize my closet because I’m so OCD and can’t stand a messy house!” is a sentiment expressed by some people who are, in fact, just neat freaks. It may seem harmless, but this kind of misunderstanding can be incredibly invalidating to those who are suffering with OCD. While it is true that some OCD sufferers face compulsions relating to cleanliness, there is a difference between enjoying cleaning and feeling like your world will blow up if you don’t complete a specific ritual.

The reality of living with OCD is that it’s tiring and sometimes scary. Unlike these stereotypes, there have been times that compulsions could have put me in harm’s way. I have had compulsions to open the car door while driving or to touch a hot stovetop. Thankfully, I was able to resist these compulsions. This is where treatment comes in.

Managing OCD: Resisting Screaming Mimis

Back when I was 7 years old, my parents took me to see a therapist. She encouraged me to give my rituals a name. I didn’t fully understand this at the time but now I see her purpose was to have me think of my compulsions as enemies to defeat, and it’s easier to defeat something when you can see it outside of yourself. I thought of the funniest name I could think of, “Screaming Mimi,” and it just stuck.

That therapist taught my parents and I how to handle these “Screaming Mimis.” The more you give in to a ritual, the stronger it grows and the harder it is to resist. So, the most effective solution for OCD is to not give in to the urge, and the main coping mechanisms are to make it wait, to switch it up, or to do the opposite of the compulsion.

If I could tell parents of kids with OCD one thing, I would say that patience is key. Your child is not doing this to be annoying or funny, it’s something they genuinely feel that they cannot help. It’s important to remember that, while you can offer support, your child must be in charge of their journey and ultimately do the work. What you can do is offer them positive reinforcement when they make an effort to improve, compassion and care so they don’t feel alone in this, and, maybe most importantly, an open ear.

Living with OCD: Next Steps

• Read: What Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Looks Like in Children
• Read: The Truth About Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Read: “I See My Childhood OCD Rituals in My Son’s Innocent Bedtime Routines”

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But just like other families, we crave a “third place” where we can relax. So when we discovered Wheated, a gourmet pizza restaurant in our Brooklyn neighborhood, it filled a huge hole in our lives.

Our Third Place: A Neurodiversity-Affirming Pizzeria

I won’t soon forget the tang of the first sip of Umbria or the texture of the pizza’s sourdough crust. But what will stay with me forever is how the restaurant staff made us feel.

After a few visits, my son was on a first-name basis with the owner, who was also a huge soccer fan. He’d chat with my son about soccer as if he had all the time in the world, while the restaurant bustled around us. No matter what drama happened during the week, we had our Sunday night ritual to look forward to and to savor. The servers knew our complicated order and didn’t blink at all the substitutions.

[Take This Self-Test: Signs of Autism in Children]

We would arrive most Sundays just as they opened for dinner. We reserved the same table in the back corner every time. There was loud music, and at times our kid was overstimulated; at other times, I was overstimulated. Waiting for the food was hard. Sometimes, our son moved around in ways that were not the safest for the wait staff and the other diners.

But the staff was gracious to us, always, even when patience ran out on both ends. Even when my son had a meltdown during one of our first visits. Thankfully, it happened to be Super Bowl Sunday, and we were one of the only families there, but the moment was hard nonetheless.

Even as my son screamed and cried and jumped, we were treated respectfully and kindly. The staff set the tone for the other diners. We never had the feeling of hairy eyeballs on us that was so common in other places.

A Friendly and Inclusive Space

The more we visited, the easier the dining experience became. I brought art supplies and noise-canceling headphones. We danced in our seats near the open kitchen, where our son could watch the chefs twirling dough in the air. There were some swift exits and half-eaten meals—but through these experiences, my son developed new skills, and we enjoyed ourselves together.

[Read: “A Love Letter to My Son’s Special Interests”]

We became loyal customers. Eventually, over years, our son got used to the many noises of a busy restaurant. He learned dining etiquette, how to order his own dinner, and where he could safely stim while keeping the aisle clear for servers. We took our family and friends to the restaurant, and were able to have lovely, relaxed celebrations because our kid was known and accepted for who he was there.

I will forever be grateful to that restaurant for helping my son gain social skills and confidence while accepting him unconditionally. The sense of belonging to a “third place” will stay with him as he grows up and branches out to other restaurants and public spaces.

I’d like to think that our family had a positive influence on the restaurant as well. (At the very least, we tipped well!)

If you’re looking for that “third place” for your own family, don’t give up. Inclusive places are out there, and they are delicious.

Autism Acceptance: Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD-Autism Link in Children
• Read: 4 Autism Myths — Dispelled
• Read: How to Process and Accept Your Child’s Neurodiversity

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May and June are tricky months to be on social media if college graduation is up in the air for your child, as it is for mine. It seems like it was just yesterday that we posted photos of high school graduation, then the college drop-off, wherein I stood awkwardly in my kid’s dorm room trying to smile through tear-smudged mascara.

We didn’t know what to anticipate over the next four years. We expected some setbacks, but secretly imagined our kids soaring, hoping they would avoid some of our own college mistakes. We wanted them to take interesting classes, make new friends, have fun, and develop a work ethic that would carry into internships and jobs upon graduation.

But when you have a child with ADHD who struggles academically, and for whom college graduation within the traditional four years is an elusive goal that alternates between impossible and slightly in reach, these spring and early summer months are fraught with stress and anxiety.

Acing the ADHD Test

My oldest son came out of the womb with ADHD. From the time he was 3 months old, he was in constant motion unless he was asleep. He would wake up by repeatedly throwing down his legs onto the crib mattress, waking us up with a rhythmic thump-thump-thump on the baby monitor. He crawled, walked, and climbed out of his crib all before he was 16 months old. A thoroughly exhausting toddler, he rarely stopped jumping, climbing, or running.

Fast forward to First Grade. At a parent-teacher conference, his teacher told us to keep an extra eye on him for ADHD. She said it kindly, noting that he was an extremely “spirited” child: not necessarily bad in the classroom per se, but rather extremely busy. He was always moving his feet, looking around the classroom to see what he was missing, and tapping his pencil on the desk. We nodded, knowing all too well just how spirited he was.

[Get This Free Download: Securing ADHD Accommodations in College]

Daily homework started in the third grade, and we quickly learned that organization and study skills were going to be challenging areas for my son. I structured my workday to be home at 3 p.m. to sit with him while he did homework, the school “momitor.” I tried every which way to instill the importance of to-do lists and planners for organization. We experimented with different ways of learning, like making flash cards and drawing pictures.

He loved sports, and his reward for doing homework was beloved baseball practice. We always found it so ironic that he gravitated toward a sport that was boring for most kids. (So much standing around waiting for the ball to come their way!) But we learned early on that while our son could not focus on short stories and would forget math facts within a few weeks, he loved to pitch a baseball. When he was on the mound, you would have never known that he had ever taken a single medication for ADHD, or that getting through what should have been 90 minutes of homework took him at least two hours longer.

He worked quickly in games, throwing batters off with his fast pace. My son loved all of it — the more pressure the better. And it paid off: A smaller Division I college in New England offered him money to pitch there. Instantly, we had a solid college plan. Baseball was the tether that allowed him to continue his education while doing something that he loved.

ADHD in College, Pandemic Version

But going to college in 2020 was an arduous challenge for him as it was for most students. The focus required for statistics, biology, and other subjects that were difficult for my son under normal circumstances proved much more strenuous when classes happened over Zoom. He struggled even more when baseball season started, as it meant he had to balance sports and academics. I stood by with hands tied behind my back, 17 hours away, knowing full well that my days of emailing teachers and finding tutors ended the moment my son graduated from high school. My son would call and say he was on top of his schoolwork, but his grade report reflected a different story. Every semester was a struggle, no matter how much I tried to help him navigate things from 1100 miles away.

[Read: 13 College Survival Tips from Graduates with ADHD]

College graduation is now on the horizon, and my son’s academic status is still a day-to-day question. He is still a few credits shy of receiving his diploma, but close enough that he might be able to walk across the stage anyway and take the final classes over the summer. He has never been a straight-A student, and it does not help that he failed at least one college class almost every semester. He is the very definition of a procrastinator, and is not a student that stands out amongst his peers in the college classroom.

The Achievements That Also Matter

But when I think about the last four years, I think about this: My son has gifts that even a perfect SAT score would never reflect. He is infinitely kind and generous to a fault. There is no extra cord on a graduation gown for a student like him, someone who is terrible at managing money, but buys lunch for homeless people in fast food parking lots. My son will forget that he needs to undergo a physical exam for baseball until the day before it is due, but will sit with a friend he’s only known for a week in the emergency room until the friend’s father, who lives four hours away, shows up. He fought me when we found a therapist for him when he was on academic probation in his sophomore year, but I later learned from one of his roommate’s mothers that my son’s compassion and listening ear were one of the only things that kept her from driving to campus every weekend when her own son was struggling with a breakup that year.

There are no awards for the student who spends hours watching Hallmark movies with his grandmother over Christmas break. When he takes grandma sneaker shopping, he will forget everything I told him about the kind of supportive shoes she needs and will instead help her pick out the most colorful pair that they both love. My son will get defensive and argue relentlessly that he attends all of his classes, but he is always the first one to apologize when we argue. Even when we spend 15 minutes on the phone yelling at each other, he never, ever hangs up with telling me that he loves me.

I am not ashamed to say that I will absolutely be the mom who will post lots of pictures on my son’s graduation day, whenever it be in August or December. No one on social media knows what it took for us to get there. I will surely cry when I see him in a cap and gown, partially out of relief that he actually made it, but mostly because I know that many kids who struggled like he did would have given up. It is frustrating and sad to me that most of his professors will never know the real him. Procrastinator and time management disaster? Yes. But a kid with a heart so purely gold with gifts that mean nothing in academia? Absolutely.

Kids like him who struggle — whether it be from ADHD or a learning disability — know the reality of flying under the radar in the very worst of ways. And while I am so proud of my friends’ children who do have all the cords on their gowns, who are making their way into law schools and solid jobs with clear career paths after graduation, I have a secret place in my heart for people like my son, who might be unremarkable on paper, but are remarkable in one hundred other ways.

Social Media Envy with ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: “I Envy Your Honor Roll Student — and That Makes Me Equal Parts Ashamed and Resolved”
• Read: “Yes, You Really Do Belong in College”
• Research: U of ADHD — 14 College Hacks for Neurodivergent Students

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There is also lots of neurodivergent pride in my family. And this Pride Month, I am thinking a lot about the layers of complexity that families like mine experience because we’re neurodivergent and members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

Even as a queer parent with ADHD myself, parenting in the age of enlightenment regarding identity can sometimes feel like an extreme sport. It’s admittedly hard to keep up with the changing ways we talk about gender, sexual orientation, neurodivergence, and other aspects of identity. Amid all this, one thing remains clear: Our ADHD and LGBT+ kids need us to fight even harder for their right to be seen, heard, and respected.

Fighting for LGBTQ+ Rights, Neurodivergent Style

The upside is that the fighting comes naturally to neurodivergent individuals. We know what it’s like to be on the fringes of society and experience stigma. We know what it’s like to mask parts of our identity to try to be accepted.

Our neurodivergent qualities also uniquely equip us to fight. Due to our strong sense of justice, it’s not a stretch to say that we’re likely to be on the front lines of equality movements. Our justice sensitivity is no doubt driven by rejection sensitive dysphoria – one of the most brutal aspects of living with ADHD. At the same time, feeling rejection to the extreme – in the form of homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of hate – can truly make life feel not worth living.

[Read: How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally]

As the mom of two gender-creative ADHD kids, I would do anything to protect them from this fate. Which is why I know that the best thing I can do is let my children see me fighting for them. At marches. At school. At the town hall. And yes, in the workplace.

As I write this, I am involved in a dispute at work, where grumbles and complaints about respecting people’s pronouns and gender identities happen near daily, despite company policies dictating that no discrimination of any kind is tolerated. What makes this situation scarier is the fact that my organization works with children, many of whom are gender non-conforming. In time, I hope my colleagues learn that using correct pronouns is lifesaving, especially for youth.

LGBTQ+ Joy Matters, Too

Fighting, however, is just one aspect of being part of the queer community. The other aspect — my favorite — is celebration. For Pride Month, we gather in our brightest clothes and most fabulous makeup. We have parades, we play music, and we dance in the streets. (ADHD creativity and spontaneity certainly help!) We are together. We see that we are not alone.

Another incredibly fun activity we do as a family is attend all-ages drag shows. The support for LGBTQ+ youth in these shows is unbelievable, like nothing you’ve ever seen. At every show, I take a moment to look around the room and see other rainbow families. I feel such pride in being part of a vibrant, creative, and bold community.

[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]

Yes, the fight matters. Celebrating, living, and thriving – as a queer parent with ADHD – is part of the fight. It’s what neurodivergent and queer youth need to witness so they know it’s possible for themselves.

Neuroqueer Families: Next Steps

• Read: “Just Let Him Be” The Mother of a Neuroqueer Teen Shares His Story
• Watch: How to Support a Child, Teen, or Young Adult with ADHD as They Explore Gender
• Read: ADHD and Queerness — Living in the Neuroqueer Intersection

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Help your child stay hydrated and healthy this summer (and year-round) with these strategies.

1. Follow a Hydration Routine

Develop a fluid-intake routine to train your child to better tune in to their senses.

Challenge your child to drink a minimum of eight cups of fluids — even better if it’s mostly water — spaced out every few hours throughout the day (e.g., after waking up, mid-morning, before lunch, mid-afternoon, and before dinner). Your child may need more fluids depending on activity level and the weather. Fluids can be paired with snacks and meals.

Monitor your child’s fluid intake — including time, amount, and types of fluids (water, juice, milk, etc.) they drink. Maintaining a log can help ensure they’re sticking to the routine and help you spot any unhealthy drinking patterns, like not drinking enough in one sitting, going for long hours without fluid intake, or hydrating too close to bedtime, which can disrupt sleep. Be sure to ask teachers, babysitters, and other caregivers to record your child’s fluid intake, too.

[Read: A How-To Guide to Summer Safety]

If your child struggles to tell when they’re thirsty, chances are that they also struggle to tell when they’re hungry and/or need to use the bathroom. A benefit of a hydration routine is that it can regulate all these bodily processes. Download my free chart here to track your child’s eating, drinking, and bathroom habits.

2. Set Reminders

• Set alarms using your watch, smartphone, and/or a device such as an Alexa to prompt your child and family to drink water and other fluids.
• Use pictures and other visual cues. Hang up an illustration of a child eating and drinking in sequence to remind your child what to do. Store cups next to plates and pack a carton of juice with your child’s lunchbox to visually connect eating with drinking.

3. Make Hydrating Fun

Encourage your child to choose a special cup or bottle, like one decorated with their favorite characters or animals, to motivate them to refill and stay hydrated. Novelty or musical reusable straws are also fun. Make water more interesting and palatable by adding natural flavors such as chopped mango, blueberries, or any fruit of your child’s choice, introduced at different times of the day.

[Read: How I Reduce the Summer Stress]

4. Incorporate Hydrating, Water-Rich Foods

Hydrating is not just about consuming cups of fluids. Water-rich foods – gelatin, popsicles, yogurts, and fruits – can also help your child stay hydrated. Though not a substitute for drinking fluids overall, these foods are a great compromise if your child resists drinking fluids.

5. Get Help from a Medical Professional

If keeping your child hydrated with the above strategies is a daily battle, you may be thinking, “Can’t I just let my child drink when they want to?”

Our bodies need to stay hydrated for many health reasons, from keeping the bladder clear of bacteria to carrying nutrients and oxygen to cells. Indigestion, constipation, and dysregulation are all results of dehydration.

But forcing your child to take in more fluid isn’t the answer. A medical professional can help you implement healthy strategies for your unique child.

Be mindful of the following symptoms, as they could indicate that your child is dehydrated. If symptoms are severe, call 911.

• dry mouth, lips, tongue, eyes, and skin
• tiredness and irritability
• headaches and dizziness
• dark, concentrated, strong-smelling urine
• urinating less frequently
• muscle cramps or spasms (may be noticeable during play)
• rapid heartbeat

Hydration Tips for Neurodivergent Kids: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: 20 Secrets to a Smarter Summer
• Read: Engineer Better Environments Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder and ADHD
• Read: More Than Picky Eating — Conditions Linked to Feeding Difficulties in Children

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Most people who do this exercise will describe a place in the natural environment – not a place behind a screen. It might be a sandy beach with the waves rolling in, a mountain meadow, or a forest of towering trees. It’s almost never an app or video game.

Humans are deeply connected to nature and we have been for as long as we’ve walked the Earth. We thrive when we spend time outdoors. But today that connection is hanging by a frayed thread, due largely to our overreliance on technology.

Today’s youth spend more time than ever before in front of screens. Even kids realize they are spending too much time on technology. A recent Pew study reports that 54% of young people say they are spending too much time on their phones. Then there’s the fact that excessive screen time has been linked to health issues from anxiety and depression to poor sleep, a cluster of issues that award-winning journalist Richard Louv dubs “nature-deficit disorder.”

The Power of No Power

The happiest teens use their phones less than one hour a day, according to a study. It might be difficult to convince a kid of that, but it’s clear that the happier kids are the ones finding ways to engage with the world rather than just looking at it online.

[Get This Free Download: Too Much Screen Time? How to Regulate Your Teen’s Devices]

Studies show that time in nature improves children’s school performance, behavior, self-discipline, creativity, and problem-solving abilities. It also helps them feel more connected with nature, making them more likely to help protect the natural world.

For kids with ADHD and related conditions, the benefits of spending time outdoors are profound. While increased screen time is linked to more severe symptoms in these kids, exercise and time outdoors have been shown to reduce symptoms. One study found that even looking at natural greenery significantly decreased stress levels for kids with ADHD, and that they could focus better after being outside.

Being out and about and taking in fresh air helps us sleep better. A study found that a weekend camping trip can reset circadian rhythms. Spending time in nature has even been shown to improve eyesight. Another benefit of family green time? A better relationship with your child.

How to Help Your Child Plug Into Nature

I’m not suggesting we try to eliminate all screen time. I am advocating for the benefits of unplugging, or as I call it, “the power of no power.”

[Read: “Why We’re Drawn to Beaches, Gardens, and Forests”]

As parents, you have the opportunity to give your kids real-life experiences to help them break free from their digital trance. Here are a few suggestions, many of which cost little yet provide priceless benefits:

• Go for a hike. There are state and local parks everywhere. If not a hike, a stroll through your neighborhood’s greenest parts.
• Ride bikes along a greenway path.
• Go fishing.
• Visit a waterfall.
• Take your kids swimming in a lake or swimming hole to cool off on a hot summer day.
• Rent canoes or inner tubes and float a river or paddle a lake.
• Picnic at a spring, lake, or river.
• Create a scavenger hunt or try geocaching, a real-life treasure hunt that gives kids a connection to nature and the people who left those treasures behind.

Your best memories probably don’t start with “There I was, at the computer.” So don’t just read about life online — get outside and live it with your kids.

Nature Deficit Disorder: Next Steps

• Free Download: Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: Go Take a Hike! (No, Really, It Helps.)
• Read: Never Underestimate the Healing Power of Mother Nature

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Though he liked to wear skirts and play with makeup, he also cut his hair short and kept it that way — even when other kids teased him and said he “looked like a boy.” When Grayson, who was assigned female at birth, was about 7 or 8, we were talking about puberty when he made a horrified face and said, “I don’t want to go through puberty.”

During one of these conversations, I remember him saying, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

At the end of fifth grade, when he brought all his schoolwork home, I looked through the papers and saw that he’d been signing his work with the name “Michael.” I asked him about it, and he said he wanted to use they/them pronouns. A couple of months later, he requested that we start using he/him pronouns, and took on a different name. Then, when he was 13, he changed his name to Grayson, which has stuck. I love the name — it suits him so well.

At about the same time, Grayson was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD. That too, was not exactly a surprise. While he was never very fidgety or busy, he often had to be redirected. There were a lot of school struggles: not following directions, not getting things done, forgetting to hand in homework, and losing things.

[Read: 5 Overlooked Signs of ADHD – the Inattentive Type]

When Neurodiversity Meets Gender Diversity

It’s interesting — I know so many people who are both neurodiverse and genderqueer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m not saying that there’s any kind of causal factor at play, but there does seem to be some kind of correlation. Maybe the difference they feel because of their neurodivergence makes them feel more comfortable exploring other aspects of their identity? Or perhaps they are better able to identify that difference that other people have but don’t take the time to question?

At 16 years old, Grayson is so secure in who he is; he’s blow-your-mind good at advocating for himself. He is out and proud! In the last couple of years, he hasn’t needed me to speak for him because he stands up for himself.

Transgender Teens: Countering Misconceptions

There are so many myths about genderqueer kids. A big one is that kids are doing it for attention. It doesn’t make sense to me, given how negative a lot of that attention is and how scary the world can be when you don’t fit into your assigned “box.”

[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]

Another myth I hear a lot is, “It’s a phase; he might grow out of it.” Or, “he’s too young to make that kind of decision.” People think it’s easy to get gender care and just — poof! — transition. That’s not how it works.

We are lucky that we live in a very progressive area, and I’ve worked in health care for years so I know the landscape. Even so, knowing where to go and who to talk to — and dealing with insurance coverage — has been a lot. When we moved states, the waiting list to get into the new gender care clinic was long, and I was concerned because Grayson was already on puberty blockers at that point and I didn’t want them to wear off. Eventually, his doctor who we’d seen for ADHD called the gender clinic and was able to get him seen. But what happens to the people who don’t have that kind of support?

To those who think he should wait until he’s “old enough” — in other words, an adult — I say this: A lot of those kids are not making it until adulthood. And that is scary. We have so much research now that clearly shows that the way to reduce suicide among trans teens is to give them gender-affirming care. It saves lives, and that isn’t hyperbole or exaggeration.

Another damaging myth that we’ve encountered is that there’s a right way and a wrong way to be trans or to express gender. Grayson is solidly a boy, and he also happens to like some feminine things — and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve had people ask, “Are you sure he still wants to be a boy? Because that pink hair of his isn’t very masculine.” And I tell them, “It’s a lot to sort through and figure out. Just let him be.”

I love him and support him on this journey one hundred percent.

Supporting Genderqueer Teens

It’s a scary time to be a parent of a trans kid. There’s a lot of anxiety about what’s going to happen. We live in a “safe state,” but how long will it stay safe? That existential dread is constant — and if it’s bad for me, I’m guessing that it’s much more nerve-wracking for him.

It’s so important to find a supportive community. I’ve been lucky enough to have friends who have also experienced this journey. We often send messages back and forth: “So this happened today…” or “The school’s doing this. How did you deal with it?”

I sometimes hear parents who are just beginning this journey express feelings of grief, that the child they knew is gone. To anyone feeling that way, I say this: Your child is still here. They are the same kid they always were. Nothing has changed, except maybe pronouns and a name, and people change names for all kinds of reasons.

Complicated feelings are normal, but just work it out with your therapist, and not in front of your kid. This isn’t something that’s “wrong.” It’s just something that’s different — just like ADHD. Your child needs you to love and support them, to help them live an authentic life as their truest self.

Genderqueer and Neurodiverse: Next Steps

• Read: How to Support a Teen with ADHD Who Is Questioning Their Gender
• Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth
• Watch: “Gender Diversity and Neurodiversity – How to Support a Child, or Teen with ADHD as They Explore Gender”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.