Weak. Needy. Helpless. Annoying. Thanks to social conditioning and outdated gender norms and decades of hits to our self-esteem, this is how some of us think we appear when we ask for help. But research and experience tell us otherwise.

Strong self-advocacy skills — i.e., the ability to ask for and secure support when it matters — is a strong indicator of success for people with ADHD. Everything from executive dysfunction to the emotional impact of ADHD and its comorbidities are made more manageable with the right kind of help. But the same ADHD characteristics that make assistance so important also make asking for it really tough.

So we asked ADDitude readers to share their experiences with self-advocacy and offer any tips, hacks, or hints that have helped them get helpful help. Here’s what they told us:

Why We Ask for Help

“I see requests for help as opportunities to build relationships and connections.” —Catherine, Washington

“When I ask for help, it makes me feel like a failure. But I remind myself that I need to set an example for my kids, so I will ask my husband for help by explaining that I need to prioritize something else so can he please cook dinner?” —Kate, Australia

[Read: The Fear of Failure Is Real — and Profound]

“I’m midlife and the gig of doing it all by myself is up: I have crashed and have to ask for help now. The trick is choosing relationships in every area of life with people who have high standards of relations, reciprocity, and compassion. I choose now, rather than hoping others will get me. It changes everything!” —An ADDitude Reader

“I think having a background in addiction recovery is an asset to ADHD coping. I am already aware that in some areas, I need support outside of myself. Therefore, I am already practiced in asking for support. I know that if I try to cope on my own, it may lead to unhealthy behaviors.” —Krysta, Canada

“I have a 15-minute rule. If I am stuck for more than 15 minutes, I ask for help. I instill this in my employees as well. Asking for help tells me that they are comfortable with communication, and humble.” —John, Florida

“If I notice my RSD is preventing me from asking for support, that often indicates that I’m not getting what I need from that relationship to feel safe.” —AJ, Utah

[Read: How ADHD Ignites RSD – Meaning & Medication Solutions]

How We Ask for Help

“I prefer typing out a text or email rather than orally asking for help, but if text/email is not an option, writing a script can help me prepare for a face-to-face request.” —Chandler, Pennsylvania

“Ask for something super tiny to get practice at asking for help.” —Katrina, Australia

“I have set up keywords with my husband, so when I say those words he knows I am feeling lonely and I need help.” —April, Oklahoma

“My ADHD can make me quite impatient, so I need to give people time to process my request, or take the action I’ve asked for. It helps to remember this isn’t rejection, and they don’t have to drop everything then and there in order to be willing to help.” —Trish

“To address loneliness, I have learned to say ‘I need a hug.’ Often it opens the door for me to share more about what is going on.” —Claire, Pennsylvania

“I identify a person with complementary skills, and I spontaneously contribute to our shared objective by doing the tasks they find laborious. The reciprocal task division follows naturally. Nobody has to ask, no gift debt is engendered. We are actively helping each other.” —Dettie

“I imagine that I’m giving someone good news when I’m about to ask for something I feel nervous about.” —Kelsie, Mississippi

“I have to just accept that asking feels awkward, and it probably always will.” —Sarah, Georgia

“I always express gratitude to any person who is willing to body double with me and I describe how it was helpful. For example, ‘You read your book while I was doing bills and I got sooo much more done. Thank you. Let me know when you are reading your next book.’” —An ADDitude Reader

“I offer help, often. That makes me feel better about asking for help. In my mind, I’ve kind of already paid for the help that I need by helping others, and now I’m cashing out.” —Helen, Maryland

“I practice a lot of ‘I statements,’ like, ‘I feel so overwhelmed by the number of tasks I have to do and I need extra hands.’ It’s not easy, but if you start with positive ‘I need’ statements, and practice, it’ll start feeling like second nature.” —Vanessa, Texas

“I try to set up check-ins with team members at work so it’s easier to ask for help while working on a specific project.” —Christina, Louisiana

“Give yourself 10 seconds of bravery. Start counting backwards from 10 and, before you hit one, say what you need to say to the person.” —Charlie, Australia

“Before asking for help at work, I always make sure to have a list made up of things I need help with. It shows my boss and team members that I have come prepared, with a plan.” —Melissa, Minnesota

“I have realized that I need to be very concise and direct when asking for help, instead of talking about how much I need help and giving reasons.” —An ADDitude Reader

“I use an app such as Goblin Tools to break down tasks, then I ask for specific help. I find that if I say I need help in a non-specific way, people are less ready to help, but if I say, ‘Can you declutter this one drawer please?’ then I’ll get help. The act of breaking the task down helps reduce my overwhelm, too.” —Laura, New Zealand

“One thing that helps is to talk to friends about what is going on, just to gauge what their capacity is for listening or coming up with solutions I am blind to. More eyes and brains on a problem are a good thing.” —Sarah, Germany

“With my teenager, it is mostly a choice-based, task-related ask: ‘Would you be willing to help me with Option A or Option B and at what time?’” —Kristen, Michigan

“At work, I have a personal checklist of resources to exhaust. If I can’t find the answers after doing due diligence, I reach out to an appropriate team member. Having researched on my end allows me to reach out with a more informed and confident ask for help.” —Sharon, Ohio

ADHD Self Advocacy: Next Steps

• Quiz: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Symptom Test
• Quiz: How Severe Is Your Loneliness?
• Download: The Emotions of ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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Resilience isn’t so much a skill that individuals with ADHD need to build, but a fundamental part of their DNA. Working an 80-hour week while pregnant. Graduating college at age 43. Navigating unhealthy relationships. Staying strong when faced with mental and physical setbacks. These are just some examples ADDitude readers shared when asked for a time their (or their child’s) ADHD resilience truly shone. Read on for more stories of perseverance and grit.

Share your stories of ADHD resilience in the comments section.

“I lost my three-year-old daughter to a rare form of cancer. I remember wanting to die, too. A voice in my head said, ‘You have three other kids who need you to find a way to go on. Because if life hits them the way it’s hit you, they will know they can overcome.’” — Tracy, Canada

“I struggled with depression and anxiety in my first semester of college because of major imposter syndrome and ended up having to go home on medical leave for suicidal ideation. No one expected me (maybe not even myself) to get up the next morning and apply for a job. Hitting what seemed like rock bottom helped me find a hidden, gritty, scrappy fighter within me. I knew I needed time and experience outside of the academic arena to show me that there is more to life and that I have value and talent beyond what any classroom grade might assign me.” — Rebecca, Connecticut

“I failed out of college. Then, I took a semester off, went to community college, eventually enrolled in a four-year program, and graduated with a Bachelor of Science in accounting.” — Erin, Missouri

“Being diagnosed late in life, raising three kiddos with ADHD, surviving a high-conflict divorce, running a school, and navigating a teen through trauma and treatment — ADHD resilience, it’s a real thing.” — Katie, Arizona

[Get This Free Download: Secrets of the ADHD Brain]

“Having ADHD and dealing with setbacks has made my teenager resilient and allowed him to build strong boundaries. When he realized he was being mistreated by ‘friends,’ he recognized that their negativity was contagious and dangerous to his mental health because he was emotionally sensitive. Recognizing his sensitivity to unpleasant behavior gave him the motivation to end old relationships and seek out new ones that are positive and more rewarding. This is a life skill that more teenagers need to live happier lives.” — Jane, Tennessee

“I was told I might not be able to walk again. Yes, I suffered from depression, but I had small goals and kept going. I worked hard. I pushed myself (with my high expectations), and now I can walk with a walking stick. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do. It has taken me years to get to where I am today. But I did it because I’m resilient and strong. I’m grateful. I’m proud. Thank you, ADHD.” — Sam, U.K.

“A childhood full of bullying, misunderstanding, and criticism drove me to seek out therapy. That self-exploration gave me an early advantage in self-acceptance and how to deal with others, especially in the decades when I went undiagnosed. I’m a veteran human being now.” — Dee, Canada

“I have fallen on my face so many times over the years, but each time, I climb back up and get a little more success — money, lifestyle, health, etc. I have endurance tattooed on my back (I should add resilience).” — Angie, Virginia

[Join the ADDitude Support Group for Adults with ADHD]

“I try to be resilient by giving myself grace when I forget things and try to complete multi-step tasks. I tell myself it’s ‘OK if I don’t get it right the first time.’ Allowing myself to try again took a long time to accept because I like to get things perfect the first time.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I taught a class of 16-year-olds who hated my guts. Going to work was like entering a war zone. My work colleagues could not believe how I kept going. At home, I also took care of my husband, who suffered from a work injury. I refused to give up. Former bosses still talk to me, and some former students smile and publicly say, ‘Hello.’ My marriage and career continue to thrive.” — Louise, Australia

“I have big emotional reactions to setbacks and rejection, especially involving others. Since learning more about RSD and ADHD, I try to allow myself to feel my feelings so I can build resiliency and move forward. I remind myself that, while people may not understand me, I know who I am.” — Ellen, Massachusetts

“My 10-year-old son faced significant challenges when he developed arthritis and severe asthma following a post-COVID infection. This condition made physical activities like running and playing soccer and basketball difficult, often leaving him in pain and short of breath. Despite his efforts, some teammates were unkind, telling him he was hopeless and suggesting he should quit. When he shared his feelings with me, he showed determination, leaving me in awe. He said, ‘I’ve heard what they’ve said, but I want to finish the season because I made a commitment. I’ll keep doing my best, stay positive, and not let their comments get to me. After the season, I’ll find an activity that better suits my abilities.’ True to his word, he persevered through the season and eventually discovered jiu-jitsu and ninja training, activities that he loves and excels at.” — Jo, Australia

“I have learned that my value is not determined by what I do or have not done or how much I weigh or what others say about me. I have learned to forgive myself and move on. I’m also not afraid of admitting and taking ownership of my mistakes. I try to teach my son this, too.” — Glenda, California

“I don’t know how I survived the five years of my life when I was pregnant, had two young sons, and worked in an industry where an 80-hour workweek was expected. As an ambitious advertising executive and new mother, I flew more than 100,000 miles a year, breast-pumped on the road, and stayed up until 3 a.m. working on new business pitches. I had no clue that I even had ADHD until this year!” — Tyra, Arizona

“I continue to write despite never finishing a single project. I have three unfinished novels, an overflowing drawer of unpublished poetry, and ideas for more. Despite the unsuccessful struggle to complete or publish any of this, I am actively working on a non-fiction book, mostly because I can’t not do it.” — David, Oregon

“I can think of several times in my adulthood where I was resilient: Going to nursing school at age 27, finishing at the top of the class, completing college at age 43, becoming licensed in the state and nationally as a nursing home director, and becoming a director of a bankrupt facility. Despite wanting to drown many times, my mind would rebound, and I kept swimming.” — Enola, Oklahoma

“I had five different majors in college. I spent my 20s jumping from job to job, unsure of what I was good at or wanted. I returned to school and got my Ph.D. at age 39. Ten years later, I am tenured and an associate dean at a major university. I work with people who know that they benefit from my ADHD superpowers and accommodate my less super ADHD symptoms. I regularly get to use my position to help neurodivergent students.” — Ted, California

“I co-founded a charter school 22 years ago. Keeping it on track through many challenges required a lot of perseverance.” — Morgan, California

Perseverance & Resilience: Next Steps

• Read: Building Resilience Begins Here – 6 Motivation Strategies for ADHD Families
• Download: How Well Are You Handling Stress?
• Read: “I Am What I Choose to Become!”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Admittedly, ADHD brains do not typically excel at making — and following through with — plans. But they can expertly pivot and devise ingenious solutions on the fly when setbacks arise. Sometimes, these new, spontaneous plans result in opportunities and rewards that would have otherwise remained unfulfilled.

So, when a last-ditch effort to score a ticket to your favorite band’s show lands you backstage, or a late entry into a neighborhood Super Bowl pool means winning $750, you can thank your ADHD propensity for spontaneity.

Here, ADDitude readers share more stories of when they reaped the rewards of spontaneity.

Have you ever benefited from spontaneous decision-making or a failure to plan? Share your story in the comments.

Rewards of ADHD Spontaneity

“On a vacation with my husband a few years ago, I got rewarded for failing to plan. Upon arriving at the Mammoth Cave National Park, I realized that I needed to order tickets to tour the caves weeks in advance. As a result, we could only enter the public park areas. Once the initial ‘Oh no, we drove here and can’t go in’ feeling solidified into reality, it allowed for total spontaneity. We explored on our own and enjoyed a nice lunch. Instead of the trip being about the destination, it was about the journey. To this day, we still use the expression ‘It’s a Mammoth Cave day’ to describe how a failure to plan resulted in a good outcome.” — Lisa, Wisconsin

[Get This Free Download: 25 Things to Love About ADHD]

“I was given the task of planning the family vacation. I kept putting it off, paralyzed by the thought of wading through travel brochures and finding a deal within our budget. Three days before the holidays, I saw a local travel agency advertise a reduced-price trip to Florida for two weeks that was a cancellation. It turned out to be the holiday of a lifetime. My grown children still talk about it being the best trip ever!” —Jacinta, Lancashire, England

“When my kids were little, I took them on midnight runs to IHOP on their birthdays.” —An ADDitude Reader

“I forgot to submit my entry to a neighborhood Super Bowl pool and had to take the last block available. I ended up winning $750!” — Kate, Pennsylvania

“I wrote a poem for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary in the bathroom of the banquet hall 20 minutes before the toast. It was so well received that my parents still gush about it 30 years later!” — Beth, Colorado

[Self-Test: Do I Have Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD?

“After I finished an aerobics class at my health club, I asked for a job — and got it!” —Terri, Colorado

“Any sort of travel is always fun with a touch of spontaneity! I traveled alone in Thailand once, and I came across so many experiences and people just by winging it and wandering around!” — Kayla

“During COVID, I spontaneously moved to a new city without a job or knowing a single soul. In the three years since, this new place has offered me wonderful friendships, a career switch, and a more authentic life.” — An ADDitude Reader, Netherlands

“Despite being a huge fan of the band Wilco, I never followed through and bought a concert ticket when they came to town, and it sold out. On the day of the show, I went to the venue to search for a ticket. I started watching the soundcheck when a guy asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was trying to find a ticket, he said he was the show’s opener, and I could be his ‘roadie’ to get into the show. Afterward, he invited me and others, including Wilco members, for drinks. As I’m leaving, another guy asks me if he can catch a ride — and it turns out to be Leroy Bach, the multi-instrumentalist for Wilco at the time. Leroy invited me to Wilco’s Seattle show the next night. All of this happened because I failed to plan!” — Josh, Utah

“I met my husband on a blind date, and we got engaged two weeks later. We’ve been together 20 years.” — Vanessa, Australia

“One time at work, I did not sufficiently study the plan for a large project and could not contribute to the discussion. However, my ADHD brain spontaneously proposed a different and better solution that we used instead of the original plan.” — Allen, Michigan

“I randomly stopped at a neighborhood estate sale and bought a bag of costume jewelry for $1. After it was sitting in my drawer for three years, I finally took four or five gold pieces to a pawn shop. I made $300.” —Lisa, Virginia

“Being the mom of a 10-year-old, I can be rigid with plans to get everything done. But when I go off the list or veer from what we have planned, my daughter loves the spontaneity. An unplanned trip on our way home to get ice cream in a never-visited town recently was a lot of fun.” — Christine, Michigan

“During a deeply unhappy time at work, a recruiter called me out of the blue and offered me a job. Despite giving up a well-paid permanent position at a time when I struggled to make ends meet as a single parent, I took the position. It became one of the best moves I ever made.” — John, Yorkshire, U.K.

 “I convinced my husband to move us and our four young children to Greece. It wasn’t easy, but what a year or so we had!” —Julia

ADHD Spontaneity: Next Steps

• Free Download: Your Free Guide to All the Best Parts of ADHD
• Read: Who Says One Kind of Thinking Is Better Than Another?
• Read: Decision-Making Advice for Impulsive or Indecisive Adults with ADHD
• Blog: “Riding Motorbikes and Contemplating Death with ADHD”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Rachel Feinstein finds herself in some ridiculous situations courtesy of her ADHD. Because she’s been gifted with a razor-sharp sense of humor, she takes these unlikely, sometimes absurd moments and turns them into comedy gold in her stand-up routine.

Rachel is a nationally touring comedian and actress whose newest hour-long comedy special, Big Guy, is now streaming on Netflix, where it premiered in the Top 10. In it, she talks about everything from her aggressively liberal mother and Facebook-blundering dad to the odd-couple relationship she has with her fire chief husband, who affectionately calls her “Big Guy.” In vivid detail, Feinstein illustrates how perplexing and frustrating her annoyingly neat husband finds her chronic messes.

“One morning, I walk into the kitchen and my husband is just pacing,” she recounts. “He goes, ‘One question. I got one question for you: Why are there three open seltzers? I’d love to hear the story behind that.” And I’m like, ‘It’s not gonna be a good tale. It’s not like I’m gonna tell you ‘Well, there was blow and hookers and then three open La Croixs!’”

Feinstein’s been praised for her “amazing impersonations” (Vulture), “acute observations,” and ability to be “subtly, exquisitely attuned to her audience” (AV Club). She’s had three Comedy Central specials, co-hosted The View, and been a guest on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, among other late night shows, not to mention her slew of TV and film appearances. And she’s the mother of a three-year-old, who provides plenty of comedy material. “My daddy’s a hero,” her daughter likes to say. “And my mommy’s sarcastic.”

Below, Feinstein opens up about the good, the bad, and the funny of her ADHD journey.

[Read: In Praise of the ADHD Funny Bone]

Q: What does your ADHD look like?

I am insanely disorganized. I am always running late. I shed debit cards. I’m always leaving a shoe in somebody’s car. I lose a passport almost every year.

My husband, who is OCD, always says to me: ‘Why don’t you just put things back in the same place?’ And I’m like, ‘You’re assuming I know where I put them. My hands take trips throughout the day. It’s like my hands are not connected to my body.’

I’m a workaholic — but only if someone’s sitting with me. I always have to have a babysitter for myself. I pay people to sit with me.

[Read: Get More Done With a Body Double]

So, for example, an editor expressed interest in working with me on my Netflix special, but I knew I was never going to go through it and email him time codes. So I said to the editor: ‘I’m going to come to your house and sit with you and edit every line with you.’ I don’t think he thought I was going to really do that. Then I was over at his place — just me and him and his wife in his little apartment. I’d leave and bathe and give him time to implement notes, but we were together for two weeks and we got it done. I think we were common law wed by the end of that process.

Q: What was school like for you?

When I even smell a school now, it brings me back to all these weird bad feelings about myself. Ever since I can remember, I was always doing so terribly in school. I was failing, getting Ds and Fs in my public school. They couldn’t stuff information into my brain. I had no idea what was going on in any of the classes. I remember getting 23% on a quiz and thinking, ‘Wow! I can’t believe I know 23% of this!’

I felt like a quaking, throbbing mess in school. It created my core self-esteem issues. When I was 11, I was diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type.

Then, junior year in high school my parents took me out of the local public school and got me into a tiny Quaker school. There were 60 kids in the whole school, 8 kids in each class. I was able to learn there. I wasn’t distracted and confused. I had a 3.8 GPA for a beat.

Q: When did your love of comedy begin?

From very early on, I loved accents and imitating people and affectations. My parents got me into acting classes and I’d put on living room plays and impersonate everyone in my family.

I always thought I had to entertain people. I remember trying to make everybody laugh in school — and being good at that. That was one thing I could do.

Q: How does ADHD inform your comedy?

I think about things in a funny way. I wasn’t able to think about things in a straight way, so that was the only option left available to me. I need things to hook on to that are funny; that’s what helps me pay attention. So, if someone uses a weird word choice, I’m going to notice what’s funny about it, otherwise I won’t retain anything.

My mom said I was always friends with people who had very distinct personalities and accents — it woke me up, jolted me. That’s true to this day; I’m married to a Brooklyn firefighter pronounced “fiya fida.”

Q: What’s your favorite part of your job?

When I’m on stage, I get a very immediate reaction: it either works or it doesn’t. I am addicted to it, the way my husband’s addicted to the adrenaline rush of being a firefighter. This also helps me as an editing process: I know what works and what doesn’t, and I shed, shed, shed as I go.

The other great thing about stand-up for somebody with ADHD is once you’re booked, you have to do it — you have to be on stage. It’s not something you have to turn in; if it was, I’d never turn it in.

Q: Your least favorite part of your job?

The constant rejection, which mimics all those bad feelings I had about myself in school. There’s always a new insult, even when you think you’ve gotten past that and you’re accepted.

I have to retrain my mind every day to not focus on the person that isn’t into me, that doesn’t like what I’m doing. When the rejection starts to take its toll, I go to the Comedy Cellar and have an immediate connection with the audience.

Q: Where have you found inspiration or encouragement along the way?

I had a therapist who told me that I could juggle a lot of things and that I could grow up and do something where I could be thinking of a million things at once. I remember thinking, ‘This is a man with a desk, who went to graduate school, and he believes this?’ I thought. ‘If Dr. Castellano thinks I won’t be in a Gray Gardens situation for the rest of my life, maybe I won’t be.’

Later, when I was 17, I moved to New York with this random guy and his band, which was named ‘Dick’s Sister.’ I was very obsessed with guys at the time, thinking more about them than what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I had a vague idea of being something funny.

I really didn’t know how to keep a job and I kept getting fired from everything — waitressing, bartending. Then I started nannying for this five-year-old boy with autism. That was the one job I could keep. I really related to his struggles.

I remember I’d tell him, ‘Go put that in the trash can and come right back,’ and he’d get caught between where we were sitting and the trash can. I’d see him get almost there and then get lost. I really related to the feeling of making it halfway to what you were supposed to do. I still do that — I do most of the work and it falls apart at the end.

I worked really hard at the nannying job because I just had this feeling that he had really complicated thoughts, that he was really smart. I didn’t know if I was projecting onto him, but there really was something very special and creative and gifted about him. He ended up going to Harvard. We’re still in touch. He came to my wedding!

It was the first successful experience I had of following something through, until I did stand-up full time. He taught me a lot more than I taught him.

Q: What’s your advice to other people with ADHD?

For anyone who struggles with those old bad feelings from school, my message would be what a lovely therapist said to me: Believe in the way your mind works. Do what you need to do to support yourself.

What might be considered indulgent or lazy might be your own weird route to success. When I was getting started, I did stuff like take cabs everywhere because I was always late. That’s the way I had to do it. I knew I would never be the person who was going to take two buses and be there on time. I spent money to make money. I bet on myself.

ADHD and Comedy: Next Steps

• Read: Laughter Is the Best Medicine
• Watch: “ADHD is Awesome – The Holderness Family Guide to Thriving with ADHD”
• Read: Laugh It Up
  
• Read: Stifled Creativity and Its Negative Impact on the ADHD Brain

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Rebecca Makkai is a New York Times bestselling author whose books have been translated into more than 20 languages. She is a Pulitzer Prize and a National Book Award finalist. She teaches graduate fiction writing at Northwestern University, among other places, and is artistic director of StoryStudio Chicago. A review of her accomplishments would leave you wondering: What can this woman not do?

The answer? Laundry.

Putting away clean laundry, according to Makkai, is an “insurmountable task.” So is making doctors’ appointments, keeping track of her keys, tolerating conversational lags, and opening a package neatly with scissors. These are the parts of ADHD that Makkai, who was diagnosed just three years ago, finds frustrating. But for Makkai, these annoyances are just a small part of the big neurodivergent picture.

Makkai says ADHD affords her the hyperfocus, bold instinct, and associative thinking that’s allowed her to craft novels like I Have Some Questions for You and The Great Believers, lauded as “spellbinding, “enthralling” and “emotionally riveting” by media outlets including The New York Times Book Review.

“My mind goes in 17 different directions at once, and I’m constantly reaching for new ideas. Everything in the world contains a million things behind it and they’re all fascinating,” Makkai explains. “I’m sure that there are certainly plenty of artists who are linear thinkers but, to me, that feels like a disability. You’re trying to make art and you can only think of one thing after another in a straight line?”

[Download: Your Free Guide to All the Best Parts of ADHD]

Below, Makkai talks about her recent ADHD diagnosis, the gift afforded to her by an unusual education, and how she harnesses the powers of her neurodivergence to create unforgettable stories.

Q: When were you diagnosed?

I was diagnosed two or three years ago, mostly because I have a daughter who is not neurotypical and I was doing these online quizzes for her.

The diagnosis was almost entirely a relief and a revelation. Now, when I lose my keys or mis-manage my time, I know I have reasons other than ‘I’m lazy, I’m spacey, I don’t care.’ It offered me the ability, in certain situations, to stop masking and to help my daughter, who got diagnosed after I did.

[Read: Not Ditzy. Not Lazy. And Definitely Not Dumb.]

It’s been amazing to look back and acknowledge how much of my life I’ve faked, how often it’s like I’m listening to a radio with very poor reception, catching three words and pretending I know what’s going on.

Q: What does your ADHD look like?

I live in a world in which objects move behind my back. I put down my keys and they’re gone. Streets rearrange themselves.

My physical hyperactivity is subtle. If I stand near the food at a party, I will not stop eating — not because I have food issues, but because eating is something to do with my hands. I can only slow down my rapid speech with effort, and I panic at conversational lags. It takes everything I have not to interrupt people constantly.

I have a highly associative brain and a tendency to start several sentences at once. I’ve learned to explain this to my writing students on the first day of class. I’ve learned to start a lot of sentences with “Sidebar” and hold up one finger so students understand that I’m not permanently derailing the conversation.

Q: What was school like for you?

Traditional school can be an ADHD torture chamber. I went to Montessori School until 8th grade, and it was perfect for this kind of mind. It was like, ‘OK, you’re not in the mood for math? You’ll have to do it eventually, but right now, you can go do a report on hedgehogs and knock yourself out doing that for three days. When it’s time for math, you can write your own word problems, or you can do it with a friend, or you can do it in the hall.’

There are so many plusses to this, the biggest one of which is that I learned how my brain works and how I get work done. I’ve been able to carry that with me.

I’m not someone who writes every day. Why would you write every day? If I sit down to work and I’m not in a place to write, then I research. I can do other stuff all week and then I can write for 16 hours if I’m in the mood, so I’m not going to beat myself up for not writing 1,000 words every day.

Before I published my first book, I taught Montessori for 12 years, and that was great for me. There are 30 things going on all the time and you have to pay attention to all of them. I’d be helping a kid with long division, keeping an eye on a discipline issue, answering a question for another kid. Give me that all day long.

Q: How does your ADHD inform your writing?

I’m happiest when I’m doing five things at once. If I could somehow ride a bike and do a Sudoku puzzle and watch a movie and drink a smoothie at the same time, I’d be in heaven. The great news is that the mental juggling you have to do in order to hold a 300-page novel in your mind — ADHDers were built for that.

I teach a lot of really talented writers and I’ve noticed that one of the things that really holds a lot of people back is a dearth of ideas. They start something and they have a couple of elements going on, but they don’t have the urge to add more things that might enrich this. They are marching along this straight and predictable path, which can make for boring writing.

I think a lot of people don’t have good boredom detectors. People who have an above-average sense of patience are going to overestimate the patience of most readers. I am so easily bored that, if I can manage not to bore myself, I probably won’t bore anyone else.

I don’t have infinite patience with a text that’s beautiful but there’s no real craftsmanship to the plot. It’s an art to be able to keep hooking people.

Q: Do you have any ADHD hacks for getting work done?

Deadlines are fantastic for me; they kick me into high gear. Often, I really can’t bring myself to do it until the day before and then I suddenly put my cape on and fly at it and it’s great.

For example, I have a writing group and I know that, if I’ve told them I’m going to get them pages by our meeting on October 1, I have to get those pages to them by then. That helps a lot.

I’ve learned to lean into the sprint in little ways, too. I’ll fail to plug in my computer, realize it’s running low on power, and then try to see how much I can write before it dies. One of the reasons I write well on an airplane is I know I only have so long before they say you have to put away your laptop.

Then, too, so much of the business of writing is not writing. It’s blurbing and interviewing and answering emails. An assistant helps a lot with those things.

Q: What’s your advice to other people with ADHD?

I am so fortunate that I was able to figure out how my mind works at an early age. I’m trying to do that with my daughter now. I tell her, ‘You don’t have to do the same thing everyone else is doing, but you do have to get this done. Let’s analyze: What is your plan? Where do you need to be to get work done? What’s a distraction? What’s a useful distraction? What’s a good break?’

Yes, we need to acknowledge the challenges. And, yes, I frustrate myself, but I love the way my brain works. I’m love my career and how my career is going — and it’s largely due to the brain I have.

The Upsides of ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: Stifled Creativity and Its Damaging Impact on the ADHD Brain
• Buy: I Have Some Questions for You and The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai
• Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD
• Watch: “ADHD is Awesome – The Holderness Family Guide to Thriving with ADHD”

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ADHD is not a coincidence among our greatest creative and artistic minds. From best-selling author Dav Pilkey and Grammy-Award winner SZA to Hollywood mastermind Greta Gerwig and YouTube gamer and animator Markiplier, the evidence of ADHD creativity dominates popular culture.

“ADHD creativity is natural in a brain that works uniquely,” says Kathleen, an ADDitude reader from Arizona who has had a prolific career creating model horses produced in resin for companies such as Breyer/Reeves International, Hartland Collectables, and Safari.

Michelle, an ADDitude reader from Mississippi, uses creative thinking daily as a professional writer, photographer, and graphic designer. “ADHD allows me to see the world differently, offer a fresh perspective, and connect ideas others miss,” she says.

“We light up the room with our sparkles,” says Sam, an ADDitude reader from the U.K. “I believe my ADHD helps me see the world in a kaleidoscope of color. I have a vivid imagination, which enables me to be creative. I can give the most amazing descriptions of things so other people can almost see, touch, and taste them. I love writing, drawing, creating music, dancing, and singing.”

[Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”

ADHD Traits That Foster Creativity

Some ADDitude readers credit the ADHD trait of hyperfocus with nurturing their creativity professionally and personally.

“Developing the skill of hyper-concentration makes it so I can practice and then play the piano longer and better,” says Anastasia from Nevada.

Hyperfocus enabled Mia, from New York, to excel as a student journalist “despite the strange and long hours required.”

Others say their creativity stems from insatiable curiosity, distinct viewpoints, and the ability to see obscure connections and solutions.

“ADHD has been a driving force behind my creating unique, fun, and inspiring wellness events,” says Jo from Australia. “I attribute much of the success of these retreats to the creative energy and problem-solving abilities that come with ADHD. It’s not just about being different; it’s about harnessing that difference to make something truly special. ADHD helps me see opportunities where others might see obstacles and turn them into unique and transformative experiences.”

Read on to learn about the creative successes that ADDitude readers ascribe to their (or their child’s) ADHD brain, and how they encourage their creative thinking to blossom.

[Self-Test: ADHD Test for Adults]

ADHD Creativity Is… Expressive

“I attribute my son’s writing ability and creativity to ADHD. He was able to complete two books and have them published by age 12!” — Carin, Ohio

“I wrote a newspaper column for 15 years about different aspects of my life that I thought were interesting or funny.” — Jen, Canada

“In the middle of COVID, I switched careers to become a writer. My ADHD gave me the creativity, the courage, and the tools to do it. Since then, I’ve published two children’s chapter books, which are loosely based on my life from childhood growing up with undiagnosed ADHD.” — Heidi, Washington

“I’ve written books, flash fiction, and poetry. I definitely attribute my ability to easily come up with imaginary stories or find new ways to describe things to my ADHD.” — Felicia

“When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher explained that it was hard for her to focus on her work because she was always paying attention to what the other kids were doing. Years later, she became an amazing writer. One of the things that makes her writing so compelling is her ability to describe characters and stories in detail. I think this ability comes from a lifetime of constantly observing people and details around her.” — Katie, Maryland

ADHD Creativity Is… Making Unexpected Connections

“At age 12, I learned how to play chess. When I was 14, I won my first of several tournaments. I didn’t understand why I saw upcoming sequences that others could not — I assumed they weren’t trying. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that a college president explained there was something about me that allowed me to see things others didn’t.” — John, Illinois

“In the engineering world, I can find creative solutions quickly by making uncommon connections in my head and working them out on the whiteboard with my employees.” — Celtic, Florida

“I am an engineer with ADHD, and I have invented several novel environmental technologies and have the patents to show for it.” — Victor, Mississippi

“As a psychotherapist, I see connections between things in my patients’ lives and internal narratives. I can articulate these insights, often in visual metaphors, in ways that immediately put my patients at ease. I credit my ADHD with giving me this expansive access to my mind and heart and the ability to connect powerfully with my patients in ways that help them let go of their suffering.” — Jennifer, Massachusetts

ADHD Creativity Is… Clarifying

“My son has a unique eye for street life. His ADHD has enabled him to capture people uniquely through his photography.” — Sara, New Hampshire

“When I take photos, I can see the picture in my mind. I often take close-up shots of nature with people saying, ‘What is that? It’s really beautiful or interesting, but I can’t tell what it is.’ Then, they are amazed to discover it’s just water photographed differently.” — Gina, Kentucky 

“My son takes the most amazing photographs. We can be looking at the same things, but he sees it in a different light and can capture that moment on film.” — Robin, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… Melodic

“My daughter always tapped and jiggled her legs and had to move all the time. I had her bang on pan lids and wooden spoons as a toddler. This evolved into her becoming a drummer. People with ADHD can make awesome drummers. The rhythm soothes mental restlessness, and the physical energy needed to play calms hyperactivity.” — Andrea, U.K.

“I could never read music because of my dyslexia, but I discovered I have an ear for it. My ADHD gave me the hyperfocus to teach myself how to play piano, drums, and guitar when music lessons failed me.” — Kerry, New Jersey

“I was a professional musician for 23 years and produced and released a CD/album of original music.” — Julia, Oregon

“My ADHD allows me to write and create music that emotionally resonates with others. I would not be as good a musician without it.” — Emma, Scotland

“I arrange and write music, and I intrinsically understand the mathematical aspects of it but could never explain it.” — Jennifer, Utah

“I’m currently finishing my 6th album, ‘Neurodivergent.’ Not only did I explore new musical territories, but I experimented with A.I. videos to build narratives around the songs. This track is very ADHD to me.” — Jon, Surrey, U.K.

ADHD Creativity Is… Well Designed

“I taught myself how to use multiple graphic design programs because I was determined to fix tiny photo errors, make my blog perfect, and have the best syllabus for a class I was teaching.” — Ted, California

“I make handmade birthday cards. It’s a great creative outlet, and I actually use the craft supplies I’ve hoarded over many years.” — Yvette, Canada

“I love design — making flyers with digital art or rearranging my living room 1,000 times to find the perfect Feng shui. I believe  my ability to hyperfocus makes me love those tasks.” — Oceann, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… In the Spotlight

“I’m a writer and performer. My talent derives from my unique way of conceptualizing and interpreting the world, plus my constant curiosity. That’s an ADHD brain specialty.” — Dee, Canada

“During COVID, my young adult daughter chose stand-up comedy to help her cope. She works a regular job and continues to perform on weekends, including hosting shows.” — Pat, Canada

“As a humor writer and comedian, it’s important to have an interesting P.O.V. ADHD allows me to focus on details others have missed and makes my writing more interesting and robust. Additionally, being very observant helps me gather information about my audiences very quickly and relate to them.” — Nicole, Ohio

ADHD Creativity Is… Hands On

“I renovated my bathroom and kitchen with zero experience — and they both look professionally done.” — Gretchen, Minnesota

“I refinish furniture to make extra money. It is fun and creative.” — Glenda, Alberta, Canada

“Our daughter fully renovated her home, only calling in plumbers and electricians for vital compliance tickets. She also completed the renovation of a friend’s caravan and is working her way through their home, all while completing a college degree in science communication.” — Anna, Australia

ADHD Creativity Is… Inventive

“I think of wonderful inventions to re-purpose everything I’ve purchased over the years. I’m designing and making self-watering raised flower beds and working on an idea for hidden drawers that can slide in and out from under my bed frame.” — Ruth, New York

“My 8-year-old son is amazing. He puts together LEGO kits by himself. Then, a few days later, he’ll take them apart and create something new with the pieces. He created an excavator from a Star Wars set, Godzilla, and several others.” — Meagan, Alabama

“I build websites. When I let my ADHD loose, I can devise incredibly creative ways to accomplish the tasks my clients want. If they want ‘x,’ I can sometimes deliver ‘x,’ and ‘y,’ and ‘z.’ It’s all a matter of using that ADHD focus.” — Andrew, New York

“When my son was 12, he created fidget objects from LEGOS and sold them to friends. My little entrepreneur.” — Tracy, Canada

ADHD Creativity Is… Illuminating

“I teach university students using rare books and archives. ADHD allows me to connect our collections and subject areas, which wouldn’t normally happen. I also love coming up with new lesson ideas others don’t consider.” — Jo, U.K.

“I’m a dynamic, fun, hardworking teacher. I’m the teacher I always needed. I’m always trying new things!” — Marla, New Jersey

“As an educator, I used my ADHD mind to create novel situations. I sponsored a banana-eating contest to help students understand how the economic system works for a social studies class. The kids had to find a banana sponsor, get contestants, decide the admission price, make advertisements, sell tickets, and determine the profit margin. We held the contest in the school auditorium. It was a blast!” — Jane, California

ADHD Creative Thinking: Next Steps

• Download: A Free Calendar for ADHD Empowerment Month
• Read: Inspiring Celebrities Who Harness Creative Thinking
• Read: ADHD Self-Empowerment Begins With Finding Your “Right Difficult”

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But I was confused. I associated ADHD with fidgety grade-school boys. Little did I know that I, an adult woman, could also be diagnosed with ADHD. My daughter’s descriptions of time and organizational overcompensation, decision paralysis, procrastination, overwhelm, and hyperfocus resonated deeply with me. When I suggested that I might have ADHD myself, she agreed.

While waiting for an evaluation and the results, I had daily epiphanies as I connected my lifetime of experiences with information about the ADHD brain. Like so many of us, I’d spent years feeling inadequate, hypersensitive, and too ashamed to say any of it out loud. How many paralyzing hours did I lie on the couch, wondering what was wrong with me? My diagnosis came in August 2022.

[eBook: Women with ADHD: How Hormones, Symptoms & Late Diagnoses Impact Females]

Six years earlier, at almost 49, I’d unknowingly set in motion a seismic journey of personal reinvention with the decision to stop drinking (10 years in the making) and enter therapy for the first time. I was finally able to follow through on both steps, even in the face of intense anxiety and self-hatred. My sobriety and therapy unleashed a flood of unresolved issues and traumas. Recovery was just the beginning of my self-discovery.

I ended my 26-year marriage and became an empty nester. My work as a commercial interior designer suddenly felt toxic. I had come to realize that there was a fundamental misalignment between my strengths, interests, and responsibilities. Near crippling self-doubt and fear of rejection had kept me tethered to my career for 28 years. Finally, my ADHD diagnosis shattered the narrative of not good enough, paving the way for self-compassion and newfound confidence and hope.

Standing at the intersection of creative expansion and personal revolution, I found a community of midlife women on similar paths and planted the seed for starting my company, Triple Moon Coaching. I enrolled in a holistic coach certification program so I could build a side practice and phase into full-time professional life coaching.

Empowered by clarity and optimism, I focused on creating my new vision. ADHD impulsivity has been a consistent thread for as long as I can remember. My resignation was bold and necessary, and a bit premature. But I was learning. No regrets.

I am on a solid path to successful entrepreneurship. It’s a joy and a privilege to coach women who are taking charge of their lives and growing into their own unique potential.

ADHD in Women: Next Steps

• Self-Test: Symptoms of ADHD in Women & Girls
  
• Sign Up: Essential Support for Women with ADHD
• Read: The Transformative Power of an ADHD Diagnosis for Older Women
  
• Read: 10 Books Every Woman Should Read After Her ADHD Diagnosis
  

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“In talking with Maria, it is clear that her family and instructors have historically viewed her as being intellectually quite bright and an underachiever.”

These are not a passive-aggressive bully’s words, a sibling’s backhanded compliment, or careless remarks delivered at a parent-teacher conference. These are the very deliberate words of a neurologist, neuropsychologist, and medical-education specialist following my ADHD evaluation in childhood. The intended audience: my parents, my family physician, and my teachers.

The clinic’s problematic “assessment” and cruel words still haunt me years later. I didn’t read their words until I was in my 40s, and I finally understood why I had a decades-long habit of telling people I have no special talents. The specialists stated in scientific terms that I, a child, was a talentless loser. My parents and my family physician believed them without question. What could my parents have done differently?

[Take This Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women and Girls]

Set in Their Ways

Despite education and experience, we know that experts make mistakes all the time. It’s why we frequently seek second medical opinions. My parents certainly needed one when the politely insulting report described my problems as “common” with ADHD, but the tone of the recommendations was “do better.” A second opinion would have offered my parents another analysis of my behaviors. Most importantly, I could have had a chance at a better life.

But my parents – education experts – were inclined to go along with what the evaluators said, as they shared similar vocational backgrounds. Though my mother still harbored some suspicions that I had ADHD, she and my father ultimately assumed that I was failing my classes on purpose. They made sure to share their theories about my behaviors with my teachers, who were more inclined to default to their opinions rather than their own judgment about my classroom behavior they saw every day.

What I Cannot Forgive

I can forgive science not catching up in time. (After all, it’s been more than 30 years since that evaluation and we’re still working to better understand ADHD in girls.) What I cannot forgive is my parents and the clinic for the cruelty, sexism, and failure to recognize the fact that I didn’t want to do poorly. In any setting, telling someone they do not have any special talents or that they’re an underachiever is an appalling insult.

[Read: “11 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self”]

The rest of the report would eventually prove hilariously inaccurate. “During the evaluation Maria did not demonstrate many of the learning deficits often observed in adolescents with a primary attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,” reads part of the report. Thirty-one years later, I received my ADHD diagnosis at age 44.

Ironically, the experts who wrote the report that detailed my carelessness and sloppiness also committed typographical, punctuation, and grammatical errors along with listing my incorrect home address on every page and misspelling my last name. Perhaps they were gifted in other areas? Unfortunately, those doctors didn’t provide their full names in the “scientific” report they authored, so I was never able to track them down to find out. What a relief for them.

Undiagnosed ADD: Next Steps

• Free eBook! We Demand Greater Research on Women with ADHD
• Read: “I Could Have Been Myself for So Much Longer.”
• Read: Stop the Cycle of Shame for Girls with ADHD

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on X and at mariareppas.com.

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At 44, when I was diagnosed with ADHD, my neuropsychologist warned me that telling my family about it, given the personal background I provided, might not be the wisest idea.

Before I brought up ADHD to my family, they never questioned my previous medical diagnoses: migraines, a root canal, COVID-19, two bunionectomies, and two staph infections. My understanding of my health conditions was never challenged until it came to ADHD, when a single family member politely undermined my medical diagnosis, my grasp of reality, and my intelligence.

Why the ADHD denial?

To Deny ADHD Is to Uphold a Fraught Reality

Those who dismiss ADHD, I gather, often do it as an act of self-preservation. To deny ADHD is to avoid uncomfortable truths about opportunity and success.

From the moment small children can comprehend language, adult authority figures tell them that if they follow specific steps, a particular outcome is very likely or guaranteed. “Work hard, and you’ll get good grades.” “Success is no accident.”  “Practice makes perfect.” This rigid, unforgiving logic is the very foundation of the American Dream and a common justification not to help each other. Athletes, actors, musicians, authors, artists, scientists, and other recipients of professional honors, wealth, and prestige will parrot the same talking points.

[Read: Why It Hurts When Neurotypicals Claim an “ADHD Moment”]

My parents and teachers reiterated these adages too. All of my siblings ardently followed this advice, and they were richly rewarded for their legitimate hard work: private boarding schools in England, Ivy League graduate degrees, high incomes, networking with wealthy families, and professional achievements.

Not for me or the other one in 20 children in the 1980s who had ADHD, though.

The people who champion these simplistic platitudes don’t realize or account for the fact that learning isn’t that simple for those of us who are wired differently. If an undetected and untreated developmental disability stymied my academic and professional achievements – instead of my alleged lazy, unmotivated, unintelligent, and scatterbrained behaviors – then the reality for my family and all the other people who genuinely think they worked hard is shattered.

Despite steps to mitigate the effects of disability discrimination, this country still wrestles with the fact that not all opportunities for success are equal, especially in highly competitive, driven environments. Most upsetting is the fact that ADHD runs in families, meaning that “bad” genetics can threaten to upend one’s previously positive self-image and long-held beliefs about intelligence. The inability to accept reality, such as loved ones clinging to stigma over facts, takes hold in families and denies the possibility for compassion, empathy, and proper treatment.

Covert Denial and Faux Concern

I’ll give these skeptics and critics some credit: they know outright denials or rejections of an ADHD diagnosis are no longer socially acceptable. They really don’t want to appear brazenly ignorant by contradicting a widely recognized neurodevelopmental disorder.

[Read: “Is ADHD Really Real?” 6 Ranked Responses to ADD Skeptics]

What’s the “better” response? Very respectful, palatable contradictions that are cloaked in faux concern and passive-aggressive denial. “Being fidgety is normal in children, but now it’s a ‘condition!’” “The inability to focus and concentrate probably isn’t really ADHD.” “All of this ADHD nonsense is only a flashy trend.” “Is the rise in diagnoses social media’s fault?” In my case, I got the question, “Did you take this, um, ADHD test online? Because that’s not how diagnostic testing works.”

ADHD skeptics and critics don’t want to face the fact that one of the driving reasons neurotypical people flourished in life is because academic and workplace environments are mostly set up so only neurotypical people could thrive and prosper.

If there had ever been a proactive, organic nationwide movement to acknowledge and understand disabilities and work to equalize the playing field, then the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act wouldn’t need to exist. Thankfully, legally mandated disability accommodations expand the chances of success to more people in the workplace, classroom, and other fields. However, with change comes unpredictability. Insecurity and fear drive prejudices and make ADHD accommodations difficult to obtain.

As for my family member who repeatedly attacked the credentials and professional licensure of the neuropsychologist who diagnosed me, I eventually got somewhat of an apology. “I think it’s really good you found ADHD. All of… that seems to be helping you.” I had no idea I had it so good.

ADHD Is Real: Next Steps

• Free Download: How Common Is ADHD in Adults?
• Read: The Definition of ADHD — Myths & Truths
• Read: The Controversy That Was Adult ADHD

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.

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Allyship serves as a powerful antidote to stigma and bias — and it comes in many forms. To understand what kinds of support are most meaningful, we asked ADDitude readers who are members of the neuroqueer community to tell us what makes a true ally. Here’s what they said:

“A loyal ally speaks up and shuts down derogatory conversations even when a targeted party isn’t present. I’m proud to be that person for people who need support.” — Christine, Ontario

“A true ally is someone who listens to you and does not judge. I’m a woman who is gay and has ADHD. As a child, I had one particular teacher in high school who took me under her wing and supported me through very turbulent times as a teenager.” — Sally, Australia

“A true ally is someone who doesn’t project rejection. People with ADHD already have plenty of that and LGBTQIA people are set up to experience that even more strongly and frequently.” — An ADDitude Reader

[Read: The Clinicians’ Guide to Serving and Protecting LGBTQIA+ Youth]

“My mom. I was accepted always, no matter what. I realized that I fall on the queer spectrum only after her passing, but the unconditional love and acceptance I experienced from her as a kid made me not give a single crap if others didn’t accept me as an adult.” — Marla, New Jersey

“There is a social group that acts as ‘adopted’ family members for LGBTQIA community members who have been shunned by their biological families. This group shows up to events such as graduations and weddings to cheer you on. Being treated with so much kindness and compassion stops the shame spiral of feeling unworthy of love and happiness.” — FJ, Ontario

“School staff that make the environment hostile to bigotry.” — An ADDitude Reader

“I am bi and have ADHD, and I’m grateful that my friend group is full of other LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent people.” — Kelsie, Mississippi

[Read: “We Are Who We Are. There’s No Shame in That.”]

“I’m a member of the LGBTQIA community and my best allies have been good listeners who make space for me to figure out how I feel and what I want to do with my life.” — Meg, North Carolina

“The people who have been the most supportive are people who deeply understand the neurodivergent experience and have taken time to listen to me and understand what it’s like to have that experience with the added layer of queerness. It’s so much more complex and all-consuming than I think non-queer and neurotypical people can realize.” — Charles, Pennsylvania

“A true ally is one who genuinely wants people to express who they are.”  — Pamela, Quebec

How to Be a Neuroqueer Ally: Next Steps

• Read: All My Friends Are Neurodivergent — and Wonderful
• Read: Happily Neurodivergent — at Last
• Read: Coping With the Stigma of ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

It’s been a year of new chapters for Jessica McCabe, the creator, writer, and star of the popular YouTube channel “How to ADHD.” In January, she published her first book, How to ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It) (#CommissionsEarned), which quickly became a New York Times bestseller. And in March, she became a new mom.

McCabe has been called the fairy godmother of ADHD by the iconic Ned Hallowell, M.D. “The world has been waiting for this book,” he says of her debut work.

ADDitude had a candid conversation with McCabe just weeks before she gave birth. We talked about her experience and dedication to writing her book.

The Writing of “How to ADHD”

ADDitude: Jessica, I found your book to be incredibly thorough, helpful, and empowering. You synthesized the most important research and insights on ADHD, while also living with the executive function challenges that you were writing about. How did you do it?

Jessica: It was my dream to write and finish this book. I am not somebody who finishes long-term projects. I dropped out of community college. I dropped out of massage school. I got distracted from, quit, or was fired from a ton of jobs.

[Watch ADDitude’s Webinar with Jessica McCabe: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your ADHD Brain]

This is the first time I intentionally entered and completed a long-term project. It helped a lot that I already knew this information because I’d been learning about how my brain worked and where my challenges lay, and the strategies to support them.

ADDitude: What strategies did you use to manage this project?

Jessica: It was supposed to take me a year to write this book, but the first strategy I tried did not work at all. I asked the publisher in a meeting if I could get extra time because I knew I was going to need it. I got a lot of blank stares.

My next strategy was one of my favorites: working backward. I plugged in everything I needed to do over the course of the year. I also know that I tend to hyperfocus, so I gave myself four weeks during that year to just not work on the book or the YouTube channel, so that I wouldn’t die. I was like, “I don’t know what will happen if I hyperfocus on a project for a full year, but I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy. So let me give myself breaks.”

I also built in accountability. I told my editor, “I need you to be looking at each chapter as we go.” So I met with her regularly, and that accountability helped a lot.

I was still a few months late on the final project. But I just stayed in communication with my editor, letting her know, “I’m going to be a little bit late on this,” or “I need more time to edit that.” And she was really good about working with me and also letting me know, “We can’t give you any more extensions. We need this to be done at this point.”

There was a lot of communication, accountability, and planning ahead. I’m still in shock that it got done.

[Read: Everyday ADHD — Quirky Productivity Hacks for Easily Bored Brains]

ADDitude: You have a whole chapter on hyperfocus. Can you tell us more about the breakthroughs and exhaustion that came from this common ADHD trait?

Jessica: There’s a lot in my life that I would not have accomplished if it were not for hyperfocus. I do see it as a potential strength. But it can also be a problem because we can neglect our needs. I try to set up my environment or my time in such a way that I can slip into hyperfocus and take advantage of that really deep flow, but at the same time, put guardrails around it so that I don’t do permanent damage to myself. We know that a lot of people with ADHD end up with chronic pain and fibromyalgia [due to] neglecting our self-care, and part of that is because of hyper focus.

ADDitude: You wrote in the book that, when you started creating your How to ADHD videos, your plan was to research the condition so you could learn how to overcome your own ADHD struggles and become the person you were supposed to be. But by the end of your book, you land in a really different place. Can you tell us about that journey?

Jessica: At first, I thought, I can still have all these neurotypical goals and have this neurotypical life and have a clean house and a clean car and keep in touch with friends. I just have to do it in a way that’s ADHD-friendly. I was willing to accept that if my brain works differently, I might have to do things differently. But I wasn’t yet willing to accept the limits of using tools and strategies. No matter how many tools you have, the challenges are still there.

I still don’t have a clean car. I finally realized I need a housekeeper. I came to a place of acceptance, and it helped.

How to ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Your ADHD Dopamine Menu Template
• Read: Get More Done with a Body Double
• Read: 8 Rules of Wellbeing — An Aid Kit for Women with ADHD
• Read: “I Don’t Need to Be Fixed!” Epiphanies of Self-Acceptance from Adults with ADHD
• Find: ADHD Specialists and Clinics Near You

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Distance runners anticipate difficulties and know to support themselves in any way possible to get to the finish line. It’s a given – they don’t think twice about it and don’t get hung up on it, either.

In our daily lives, especially as folks with ADHD, we fall into the trap of thinking we don’t need help, or that we’re wimpy if we accept help or create supportive structures for ourselves. Others don’t need this, we think.

Here’s that flawed logic applied to running: Why does the newbie runner need to stop and rest every half mile? The ultrarunner can go many miles before needing to stop. Therefore, the newbie must be a wimp, or worse, incapable.

A non-runner might assume this of a newbie, but ultrarunners know this couldn’t be farther from the truth. An early runner has needs, just as a later-stage runner does. Needs are needs.

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

Once five miles becomes easy-peasy for the early runner, they realize they only arrived at that point because they gave themselves what they needed to be someone who can run five miles. With that experience, they’ll readily tell the next newbie runner to make sure to stop and rest the legs and heart every half mile. It’s the only way to get to five miles.

Needs are Needs: When Ultrarunning Meets Real Life

This logic – of supporting our needs to become who we want to be – applies to anything and everything. If we accept a tutor to help us, then eventually we’ll be someone who got through a class instead of one who didn’t. If we fully show up to therapy or coaching, then we eventually become someone who tackles the challenges in front of us instead of skirting them. If we externalize the content of our brains with systems, we become someone who forgets less rather than someone who continues to forget.

Guess who all these early-stage self-supporters become? People who make inroads into becoming the kind of person who has wins, and those wins beget more wins. The more support, the more wins.

I got to the point in my abilities as a runner that I would have said yes, without a second thought, if you asked me to run a 50-miler the following weekend.

When you read the prior sentence, did you picture me as someone who was so trained that I needed a lot less than an early-stage runner? I’ll let you in on a secret: I was a running diva. I had far more available at hand than an early-stage runner could imagine was possible. The more experienced I got, the more I learned how much support was out there to take for myself — and I took it.

[Read: My 25 Rules for Life — a Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation]

I say this all the time to people: Do you think successful people have more support or less? They have far more, and it’s because they’re more likely to ask for it and give it to themselves.

Why would it be any different for us when the road to success means we’ll need to support our ADHD and account for our needs?

It wouldn’t.

The Long Haul with ADHD

Remembering to hand in work, showing up on time at work, getting out of a rabbit hole, staying on task, organizing our workspace, regulating our emotions — these are our daily five-mile runs.

Graduating from school, nabbing a promotion at work, becoming an accomplished person, becoming a person who has practiced options for staying calm in stressful situations — these are our long-distance runs.

The only way to become a champion — in anything — is to give ourselves what we need to push through. As you run your own race, take any and all support without question, without apology. That’s a champion mindset.

ADHD Life Lessons: Next Steps

• Read: 20 Rules to Live By — My ADHD Life Guide
• Read: Sports Psychology Tricks That Work for ADHD Brains
• Read: Your Strengths Inventory — Repairing Self-Esteem After an ADHD Diagnosis

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