I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was repeatedly labeled…

Lazy. Unmotivated. Smart but slacks off. Careless. Indifferent. Clumsy. Forgetful. Distracted. Sloppy. Listens but doesn’t follow directions. Doesn’t listen. Won’t listen. Stubborn.

Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.

A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.

1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.

[Read: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter]

2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.

3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.

The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.

4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.” Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.

[Read: Protecting the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD]

But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.

5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.

Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.

Girls with ADD: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Soul Shine Kit — Build Your Child’s Self Esteem
• Read: How to Protect the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD
• Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast.  Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider.  Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.  

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Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment designed to help individuals who struggle with emotional dysregulation, aggression, self-harm, and other problem behaviors. DBT is an intensive, highly structured program that was originally created for adults in the 1970s and has since been adapted for children and adolescents. It can be an effective treatment for ADHD because it aids in the development of skills that support emotional regulation, problem-solving, and self-acceptance.

DBT works by helping children develop skills that decrease unwanted feelings and unhelpful behaviors, as well as skills that help them to accept difficult feelings about themselves and others without judgment. DBT patients participate in one-on-one therapy, group skills training, and/or phone coaching from their therapist. Parents learn the same skills as their children so that they can reinforce those skills outside of therapy.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the conditions that DBT treats in children and adolescents, and who would be a good fit for this therapy
• About DBT as a treatment model and how it works
• How DBT can support children and adolescents in managing mood, impulsivity, and anxiety
• About DBT strategies to support children in distress
  

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Lauren Allerhand, Psy.D., is Co-Director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Programs and a psychologist for the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute in the San Francisco Bay Area. She specializes in the evidence-based assessment and treatment of youth struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, ADHD, and oppositional defiant disorder. She has extensive training in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Dr. Allerhand is particularly passionate about providing DBT to improve the lives of high-risk, diagnostically complex youth who struggle with emotion dysregulation, suicidality, and self-injury.

Dr. Allerhand’s clinical practice also emphasizes supporting parents of children and teens with emotion dysregulation, oppositional behavior, or ADHD through evidence-based intervention. She has specialized trained in a DBT parenting intervention and Parent Management Training for parents of older children and teenagers. Dr. Allerhand is also certified in Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), an evidence-based intervention for families with preschool-aged children.

DBT for ADHD: More Resources

• Download: What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?
• Read: Overview of ADHD Therapies
• Q&A: Why Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation is Central to ADHD
• eBook: The Parents’ Guide to Raising a Teen with ADHD

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, offers customized plans to improve executive function, emotional regulation, and behavior through behavior therapy principles and mindfulness. Each family is assigned a personal focus coach, and our family plan provides tailored programs for both kids and parents, so everyone can thrive together. Schedule a consultation or take our ADHD test to discover how Play Attention can support your family’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral development. Call 828-676-2240. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

Closed captions available.

“It takes forever to get these coins when you’re playing,” he said, showing me the game. “I can spend $1.99 and get 800 coins, but only if I do it now! It’s 90% off, but the deal only lasts for 58 more minutes! Please, Mom?”

“Luca,” I said. “When a game tells you something is 90% off, that’s just marketing designed to make you want to spend money.”

“It’s working,” Luca said earnestly. “I do want to spend my money. And it’s my money.”

I sighed.

Luca’s request had come a few days after my husband and I opened a debit account for him and his older brother, Max, for their 9^th and 11^th birthdays, respectively.

“We told you your savings was your money,” I said to Luca. “But we also said we weren’t going to let you spend it on just anything, remember?”

[Self-Test: Could Your Child Be Showing Signs of Gaming Addiction?]

“This is not just anything. It’s only $1.99 and I’ve been playing this game for weeks and this is the best deal I’ve ever seen. Ever.”

“OK,” I finally said. “This is a yes.”

I pressed my thumb on the sensor to authorize the purchase and a delighted Luca raced off to show Max, my ADHD-wired firstborn.

This, my friends, is when all the trouble really started.

The Big Business of In-App Purchases

Max quickly appeared to demand a similar purchase in a game. Eager to allow my boys to exercise their decision-making muscles, I said yes. So when the boys showed up repeatedly in the following days with additional purchase requests, I kept saying yes.

Two weeks later, both boys had spent more than $150. I was getting very worried. Though I tried to dissuade or delay them each time they came to me, their interest wasn’t waning, even as they burned through their savings. But while Luca’s spending eventually slowed, Max’s didn’t. If anything, he was picking up speed — requesting more expensive purchases, more frequently.

[Read: Why Screens Mesmerize Our Teens — and How to Break the Trance]

This was very out of character for Max, who had previously been resistant to spending any money — preferring instead to save it and plot about spending it on completely age-inappropriate things, like spear guns for fishing. After his first in-app purchase, it was shocking to see how quickly he transformed from miser to spendthrift.

When Max came to me for the second time in a single day requesting to spend another $26, I decided I wasn’t prepared to let him spend all his savings.

“I think we need a circuit breaker here — a pause,” I told Max. “I think that I should say ‘no’ to in-app purchases for the next week. What do you think?”

Unsurprisingly, Max did not think we needed a circuit breaker.

We settled on this: Max still had the choice to go through with this particular purchase (which he did) and then we would have a 10-day “no purchases” circuit-breaker.

That original circuit-breaker temporarily slowed things down, but it did not completely quell his willingness to spend money.

I know our family is far from alone in these struggles. In moderation, in-app purchases can be an easy way to have a bit of fun in a game. But in-app purchasing has become a billion-dollar business. Many iPad games are sophisticated marketing machines that use gambling tactics and other predatory techniques to market directly to children. The dopamine rush of leveling up in a game after spending money is addictive and the consequences are profound. Some parents report that their kids have become secretive and deceitful — guessing or stealing passwords, using credit cards without permissions, resetting devices to restore permissions, and finding other workarounds that will enable them to keep clicking “purchase.” Our children with ADHD, who struggle with impulse control and regulation, are far less equipped to resist this powerful temptation.

So what can parents do? What do I recommend as a psychologist, as the mother of a demand-avoidant pre-teen with ADHD, and as someone who’s learned a lot about this the hard way in the last couple of years?

My first piece of advice: Keep this Pandora’s Box closed for as long as possible. If you haven’t yet started down this path, don’t.

• Invest in games, gaming systems, and subscription services such as Apple Arcade that don’t offer in-app purchases and/or show ads. They are worth the money.
• Make it a family norm early on that you don’t download games that offer in-app purchases.
• If and when you do download a game that offers in-app purchases, make it clear that you will never authorize any in-app purchases for this game. Take it a step further and disable in-app purchases on your child’s device.

If you ever do decide to allow your child to make in-app purchases, have some discussions first:

1. Set clear limits – but expect boundary-pushing. Establish how much money they have available to spend and how quickly they can spend it. Even with these limits, brace for fallout, pleas, and arguments when their money runs out, and plan ahead for how you will respond to that fallout.

2. Express your wants. The day that Max came to me twice to make an in-app purchase, I told him I had two wants. “I want to allow you to make your own decisions,” I said. “And I want to help you make wise decisions and teach you how to resist the powerful desire to buy things.”

3. Teach your kid about marketing tactics such as price anchoring, charm pricing, and the scarcity effect. When they come to you about a purchase, challenge them to spot the marketing tactics being used on them.

4. Talk to your child about other dynamics that drive in-app purchasing, such as chasing the dopamine buzz, the social pressure of keeping up with friends, the desire to make progress fast in a game, and so on.

5. Talk to your child about their ADHD brain. They should understand that impulse control challenges come with the territory, which makes it especially hard to resist the temptation to buy.

6. Invite your child to problem-solve when issues come up. Be open with your child about any concerning patterns or behaviors you’ve noticed regarding in-app purchases. Ask for their input as you find a viable way forward.

7. Experiment with different approaches and solutions to limit in-app purchases. Some ideas to get you started:

• X-day/week blackout periods
• weekly or monthly spending limits
• waiting periods for spending (e.g., wait 24 hours before making an in-app purchase)
• written agreements that include consequences for circumventing the rules

8. Don’t be afraid to feel your way forward.
Just because you’ve agreed to a measure doesn’t mean that you will do things this way and forevermore. In fact, don’t expect any solutions you negotiate to hold for longer than a couple of months. Expecting to revisit this issue regularly will help you be more patient and feel less frustrated.

The other day, I asked Max for advice he thought I should give other parents who are in this situation. “Just say no, and NEVER SAY YES,” he responded. “Basically, be way stricter with them than you’ve been with us.”

“But what about families like ours where we’ve already said yes sometimes?” I said. “What can you do then?”

“Well,” Max said, getting more creative. “Tell your kids that the currency for the game has changed, and you can’t get any of that new currency. So, it’s broken. You just can’t do it.”

“So… lie?” I asked. “Yes,” Max said. “Lie.”

In moments when we may be tempted to lie to our kids, I often wish we had in-parenting purchase options — for upgrading patience, boosting problem-solving skills, or short-circuiting conflicts. Alas, the game we’re playing as parents is a no-shortcuts quest.

In App Purchases: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: Too Much Screen Time? How to Regulate Your Teen’s Electronics Use
• Read: 5 Tips for Teaching Children with ADHD to Manage Money
• Get This eBook: Positive Parenting Tips — ADHD Strategies for Improving Behavior

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Admittedly, ADHD brains do not typically excel at making — and following through with — plans. But they can expertly pivot and devise ingenious solutions on the fly when setbacks arise. Sometimes, these new, spontaneous plans result in opportunities and rewards that would have otherwise remained unfulfilled.

So, when a last-ditch effort to score a ticket to your favorite band’s show lands you backstage, or a late entry into a neighborhood Super Bowl pool means winning $750, you can thank your ADHD propensity for spontaneity.

Here, ADDitude readers share more stories of when they reaped the rewards of spontaneity.

Have you ever benefited from spontaneous decision-making or a failure to plan? Share your story in the comments.

Rewards of ADHD Spontaneity

“On a vacation with my husband a few years ago, I got rewarded for failing to plan. Upon arriving at the Mammoth Cave National Park, I realized that I needed to order tickets to tour the caves weeks in advance. As a result, we could only enter the public park areas. Once the initial ‘Oh no, we drove here and can’t go in’ feeling solidified into reality, it allowed for total spontaneity. We explored on our own and enjoyed a nice lunch. Instead of the trip being about the destination, it was about the journey. To this day, we still use the expression ‘It’s a Mammoth Cave day’ to describe how a failure to plan resulted in a good outcome.” — Lisa, Wisconsin

[Get This Free Download: 25 Things to Love About ADHD]

“I was given the task of planning the family vacation. I kept putting it off, paralyzed by the thought of wading through travel brochures and finding a deal within our budget. Three days before the holidays, I saw a local travel agency advertise a reduced-price trip to Florida for two weeks that was a cancellation. It turned out to be the holiday of a lifetime. My grown children still talk about it being the best trip ever!” —Jacinta, Lancashire, England

“When my kids were little, I took them on midnight runs to IHOP on their birthdays.” —An ADDitude Reader

“I forgot to submit my entry to a neighborhood Super Bowl pool and had to take the last block available. I ended up winning $750!” — Kate, Pennsylvania

“I wrote a poem for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary in the bathroom of the banquet hall 20 minutes before the toast. It was so well received that my parents still gush about it 30 years later!” — Beth, Colorado

[Self-Test: Do I Have Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD?

“After I finished an aerobics class at my health club, I asked for a job — and got it!” —Terri, Colorado

“Any sort of travel is always fun with a touch of spontaneity! I traveled alone in Thailand once, and I came across so many experiences and people just by winging it and wandering around!” — Kayla

“During COVID, I spontaneously moved to a new city without a job or knowing a single soul. In the three years since, this new place has offered me wonderful friendships, a career switch, and a more authentic life.” — An ADDitude Reader, Netherlands

“Despite being a huge fan of the band Wilco, I never followed through and bought a concert ticket when they came to town, and it sold out. On the day of the show, I went to the venue to search for a ticket. I started watching the soundcheck when a guy asked me what I was doing. When I told him I was trying to find a ticket, he said he was the show’s opener, and I could be his ‘roadie’ to get into the show. Afterward, he invited me and others, including Wilco members, for drinks. As I’m leaving, another guy asks me if he can catch a ride — and it turns out to be Leroy Bach, the multi-instrumentalist for Wilco at the time. Leroy invited me to Wilco’s Seattle show the next night. All of this happened because I failed to plan!” — Josh, Utah

“I met my husband on a blind date, and we got engaged two weeks later. We’ve been together 20 years.” — Vanessa, Australia

“One time at work, I did not sufficiently study the plan for a large project and could not contribute to the discussion. However, my ADHD brain spontaneously proposed a different and better solution that we used instead of the original plan.” — Allen, Michigan

“I randomly stopped at a neighborhood estate sale and bought a bag of costume jewelry for $1. After it was sitting in my drawer for three years, I finally took four or five gold pieces to a pawn shop. I made $300.” —Lisa, Virginia

“Being the mom of a 10-year-old, I can be rigid with plans to get everything done. But when I go off the list or veer from what we have planned, my daughter loves the spontaneity. An unplanned trip on our way home to get ice cream in a never-visited town recently was a lot of fun.” — Christine, Michigan

“During a deeply unhappy time at work, a recruiter called me out of the blue and offered me a job. Despite giving up a well-paid permanent position at a time when I struggled to make ends meet as a single parent, I took the position. It became one of the best moves I ever made.” — John, Yorkshire, U.K.

 “I convinced my husband to move us and our four young children to Greece. It wasn’t easy, but what a year or so we had!” —Julia

ADHD Spontaneity: Next Steps

• Free Download: Your Free Guide to All the Best Parts of ADHD
• Read: Who Says One Kind of Thinking Is Better Than Another?
• Read: Decision-Making Advice for Impulsive or Indecisive Adults with ADHD
• Blog: “Riding Motorbikes and Contemplating Death with ADHD”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Register to reserve your spot for this free webinar and webinar replay ►

Not available November 12? Don’t worry. Register now and we’ll send you the replay link to watch at your convenience.

Bad grades are not always a fair reflection of your child’s effort, learning, motivation, or potential for success. And this is especially true for students with ADHD and other learning differences. On the surface, disappointing grades represent a failure at school. But there’s usually more to the story, which may never be heard because strong emotions — for parents and students — take over.

So how can we respond more positively and thoughtfully to a bad report card? Here to suggest solutions is Ann Dolin, M.Ed., an experienced author, educator, advocate, and parent of kids with ADHD who will help parents uncover possible reasons for their child’s grades and show them how to navigate these sticky situations while preserving their relationship with their child.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How to talk to your child about their school performance, including some easy conversation starters
• Ways to investigate why it’s happening and the two most common reasons for poor grades
• What to do moving forward, including strategies to help your child study more effectively and stay organized
• Whether you should set consequences for your child’s bad grades (or reward them for good grades) and how to keep kids with ADHD motivated

Have a question for our expert? There will be an opportunity to post questions for the presenter during the live webinar.

Meet the Expert Speaker

Ann Dolin, M.Ed., has nearly 30 years of experience working with students. She is a former public school special education teacher and author who founded Educational Connections in 1998. The company specializes in helping students, especially those with ADHD, build executive function skills and study habits to perform better in school and, ultimately, in college.

She and her team of more than 120 tutors, executive function coaches, college consultants, and parent coaches provide virtual support to families with kindergarten to college students throughout the country.

Ann is the author of Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools, and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework and Getting Past Procrastination: How to Get Your Kids Organized, Focused and Motivated… Without Being the Bad Guy. (#CommissionsEarned) She also is past president of CHADD of Northern Virginia and is an advocate for students with ADHD.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share.

ADHD at School: More Resources

• Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: Do This, Then That! How to Model Planning & Prioritizing for Students with ADHD
• Q&A: “We Need an After-School Routine to Ease the Transition to Homework.”
• eBook: The ADHD Homework Survival Guide

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being. | brainbalancecenters.com/additudemag

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

Closed captions available.

My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.

He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.

“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”

He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.

Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels

Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.

My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.

My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.

Like Father, Like Son

“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.

“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.

[Read: “My ADHD Family Tree — Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”]

I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.

We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.

Our ADHD Family

We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.

We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.

I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.

ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: 5 Ways to Build Bonds – A Guide for ADHD Dads
• Read: Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) combines elements of mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat conditions marked by emotional dysregulation, including ADHD, mood disorders, and anxiety disorders.

Initially developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., in the 1980s to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD), DBT helps people learn to tolerate internal experiences (i.e., emotions), physical sensations (i.e., agitation and restlessness), and the urge to fidget or interrupt. It has become a go-to treatment for ADHD.

A central tenet of DBT is validation — accepting uncomfortable emotions and situations before trying to change them. By coming to terms with troubling thoughts and emotions, change appears possible, and patients can work with their therapists to create a recovery plan.

In this download, you will learn:

• The four modules that comprise DBT skills training
• Types of coping strategies presented in DBT
• How DBT improves emotional regulation skills
• How DBT improves ADHD symptoms
  The difference between cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and DBT
• And much more!

Academic achievement is strongly predicted by the presence of certain non-cognitive skills, like persistence and motivation, which are linked to genetic factors and become increasingly important as children age, according to a study published in Nature Human Behaviour.¹

“Children who are emotionally stable, motivated, and capable of regulating their attention and impulses do better in school, independent of their level of cognitive ability,” the researchers wrote.

The study involved a U.K.-based sample of more than 10,000 children aged 7 to 16 that used surveys and multiple genetic methods, including twin models and DNA-based analyses. Data was collected at ages 7, 9, 12, and 16.

Non-Cognitive Skills

Parents, teachers, and twins were asked questions related to the child’s performance at school and non-cognitive skills, including academic interest and self-regulation. After accounting for general cognitive ability, researchers performed multiple regression analyses that revealed an association between non-cognitive skills and academic achievement at all ages studied.

Non-cognitive skills grew more predictive of academic achievement as children approached late adolescence. Self-report surveys revealed the biggest effect sizes (as compared to surveys completed by parents and teachers). The correlation between self-reported, education-specific non-cognitive skills and academic achievement grew significantly over time (from r=0.10 at age 9 to r=0.51 at age 16).

While cognitive skills refer to objective traits, such as memory, reasoning, and IQ, non-cognitive skills refer to more subjective qualities. In this study, non-cognitive skills were broadly classified as:

• Education-specific non-cognitive skills (academic interest, attitudes towards learning, academic self-efficacy)
• Domain-general self-regulation skills (behavioral and emotional regulation that exist outside of school).

“These findings highlight the important role that non-cognitive skills play during primary and secondary education and suggest that fostering such skills might provide an avenue for successful educational strategies and interventions,” the researchers wrote.

Genetic Influence

Similar findings were revealed using polygenic scores, or PGSs, which estimate the effect of multiple genes on a specific trait. Non-cognitive PGS on academic achievement doubled from ages 7 to 16, while cognitive PGS stayed the same. By the end of the study, the variance in academic achievement was equally accounted for by non-cognitive and cognitive skills.

When controlling for shared family environments, as in the case of siblings, the effects of non-cognitive PGS were slightly diminished but still significant. According to the gene-environment correlation theory, or rGe, this can be attributed to genetic control over environmental exposures.² As children grow up, they “evoke and actively select academic environments that correlate with their genetic disposition towards non-cognitive skills,” the researchers wrote. These traits are then reinforced over time. In contrast, cognitive PGS predictions remained the same through development.

Socioeconomic status did not alter the overall findings. Although children from higher socio-economic backgrounds performed better academically, the slope of association between academic achievement and non-cognitive skills did not change from one group to the next.

“Higher PGS, for both cognitive and non-cognitive skills, corresponded to higher academic achievement, and higher SES corresponded to both higher mean PGSs and higher achievement, indicating a correlation rather than an interaction between genetic and environmental influences on academic achievement,” the researchers wrote.

Mental Health & ADHD

The study confirmed strong correlations between cognitive and non-cognitive genetic factors and their links to psychiatric, personality, and socioeconomic traits. But non-cognitive skills played a bigger role in certain outcomes, like mental health. The disparity between genetic factors was more pronounced for certain psychiatric traits, such as autism and ADHD, compared to earlier studies.³

Some studies suggest mental health conditions are influenced by the same genetic factors. A study published in Nature in 2023 and covered by ADDitude found that 84% to 98% of common genetic variants tied to ADHD seemed to influence other psychiatric disorders, including autism, depression, and schizophrenia.⁴ Genetic research has also linked ADHD to emotion regulation and motivation.⁵

“One of the main areas of the brain affected by the genetics of ADHD is the reward center — in particular, the transmission of a chemical called dopamine. The neurons in the brain of a person with ADHD act differently…They need higher levels of stimulation from their environment,” said Maggie Sibley, Ph.D., in her 2022 ADDitude webinar “My Teen with ADHD Lacks All Motivation! How to Build Executive Function Skills and Drive.”

“You can see that translating into prominent motivation difficulties in kids with ADHD,” Sibley said.

Limitations and Future Research

Targeted interventions that build non-cognitive skills could benefit children with relative social and emotional weaknesses, including those with ADHD. But more research is needed to understand how non-cognitive skills develop. Future studies should focus on the association between these and academic achievement.

Sources

¹ Malanchini, M., Allegrini, A.G., Nivard, M.G. et al. (2024). Genetic associations between non-cognitive skills and academic achievement over development. Nat Hum Behav. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-024-01967-9

² Jaffee, S., & Price, T. (2007). Gene–environment correlations: a review of the evidence and implications for prevention of mental illness. Mol Psychiatry, 12, 432–442. https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.mp.4001950

³ Demange, P. A. et al. (2021). Investigating the genetic architecture of noncognitive skills using GWAS-by-subtraction. Nat. Genet., 53, 35–44. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41588-020-00754-2

⁴ Demontis, D., Walters, G. B., Athanasiadis, G., Walters, R., Therrien, K., Nielsen, T. T., … Børglum, A. D. (2023). Genome-wide analyses of ADHD identify 27 risk loci, refine the genetic architecture and implicate several cognitive domains. Nature Genetics, 55(2), 198–208. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41588-022-01285-8

⁵ Merwood, A., Chen, W., Rijsdijk, F., Skirrow, C., Larsson, H., Thapar, A., Kuntsi, J., & Asherson, P. (2013). Genetic association between the symptoms of attention‐deficit/hyperactivity disorder and emotional lability in child and adolescent twins. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 53(2), 209‐220. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2013.11.006

When my husband and I published a book called ADHD is Awesome we knew we’d have some explaining to do. After all, so much of ADHD is not… awesome. We used the word for its true meaning. Though it’s a writing style cliché to kick off with a definition, I think it’s important here:

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

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1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

[Get This Free Download: Celebrate ADHD Empowerment Month!]

In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

• Get the Book! ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving with ADHD
• Read: Holderness Family Values — 9 ADHD Truths (with a Side of Laughter)
• Read: What I Would Never Trade Away
• Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD

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ADHD is not a coincidence among our greatest creative and artistic minds. From best-selling author Dav Pilkey and Grammy-Award winner SZA to Hollywood mastermind Greta Gerwig and YouTube gamer and animator Markiplier, the evidence of ADHD creativity dominates popular culture.

“ADHD creativity is natural in a brain that works uniquely,” says Kathleen, an ADDitude reader from Arizona who has had a prolific career creating model horses produced in resin for companies such as Breyer/Reeves International, Hartland Collectables, and Safari.

Michelle, an ADDitude reader from Mississippi, uses creative thinking daily as a professional writer, photographer, and graphic designer. “ADHD allows me to see the world differently, offer a fresh perspective, and connect ideas others miss,” she says.

“We light up the room with our sparkles,” says Sam, an ADDitude reader from the U.K. “I believe my ADHD helps me see the world in a kaleidoscope of color. I have a vivid imagination, which enables me to be creative. I can give the most amazing descriptions of things so other people can almost see, touch, and taste them. I love writing, drawing, creating music, dancing, and singing.”

[Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”

ADHD Traits That Foster Creativity

Some ADDitude readers credit the ADHD trait of hyperfocus with nurturing their creativity professionally and personally.

“Developing the skill of hyper-concentration makes it so I can practice and then play the piano longer and better,” says Anastasia from Nevada.

Hyperfocus enabled Mia, from New York, to excel as a student journalist “despite the strange and long hours required.”

Others say their creativity stems from insatiable curiosity, distinct viewpoints, and the ability to see obscure connections and solutions.

“ADHD has been a driving force behind my creating unique, fun, and inspiring wellness events,” says Jo from Australia. “I attribute much of the success of these retreats to the creative energy and problem-solving abilities that come with ADHD. It’s not just about being different; it’s about harnessing that difference to make something truly special. ADHD helps me see opportunities where others might see obstacles and turn them into unique and transformative experiences.”

Read on to learn about the creative successes that ADDitude readers ascribe to their (or their child’s) ADHD brain, and how they encourage their creative thinking to blossom.

[Self-Test: ADHD Test for Adults]

ADHD Creativity Is… Expressive

“I attribute my son’s writing ability and creativity to ADHD. He was able to complete two books and have them published by age 12!” — Carin, Ohio

“I wrote a newspaper column for 15 years about different aspects of my life that I thought were interesting or funny.” — Jen, Canada

“In the middle of COVID, I switched careers to become a writer. My ADHD gave me the creativity, the courage, and the tools to do it. Since then, I’ve published two children’s chapter books, which are loosely based on my life from childhood growing up with undiagnosed ADHD.” — Heidi, Washington

“I’ve written books, flash fiction, and poetry. I definitely attribute my ability to easily come up with imaginary stories or find new ways to describe things to my ADHD.” — Felicia

“When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher explained that it was hard for her to focus on her work because she was always paying attention to what the other kids were doing. Years later, she became an amazing writer. One of the things that makes her writing so compelling is her ability to describe characters and stories in detail. I think this ability comes from a lifetime of constantly observing people and details around her.” — Katie, Maryland

ADHD Creativity Is… Making Unexpected Connections

“At age 12, I learned how to play chess. When I was 14, I won my first of several tournaments. I didn’t understand why I saw upcoming sequences that others could not — I assumed they weren’t trying. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that a college president explained there was something about me that allowed me to see things others didn’t.” — John, Illinois

“In the engineering world, I can find creative solutions quickly by making uncommon connections in my head and working them out on the whiteboard with my employees.” — Celtic, Florida

“I am an engineer with ADHD, and I have invented several novel environmental technologies and have the patents to show for it.” — Victor, Mississippi

“As a psychotherapist, I see connections between things in my patients’ lives and internal narratives. I can articulate these insights, often in visual metaphors, in ways that immediately put my patients at ease. I credit my ADHD with giving me this expansive access to my mind and heart and the ability to connect powerfully with my patients in ways that help them let go of their suffering.” — Jennifer, Massachusetts

ADHD Creativity Is… Clarifying

“My son has a unique eye for street life. His ADHD has enabled him to capture people uniquely through his photography.” — Sara, New Hampshire

“When I take photos, I can see the picture in my mind. I often take close-up shots of nature with people saying, ‘What is that? It’s really beautiful or interesting, but I can’t tell what it is.’ Then, they are amazed to discover it’s just water photographed differently.” — Gina, Kentucky 

“My son takes the most amazing photographs. We can be looking at the same things, but he sees it in a different light and can capture that moment on film.” — Robin, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… Melodic

“My daughter always tapped and jiggled her legs and had to move all the time. I had her bang on pan lids and wooden spoons as a toddler. This evolved into her becoming a drummer. People with ADHD can make awesome drummers. The rhythm soothes mental restlessness, and the physical energy needed to play calms hyperactivity.” — Andrea, U.K.

“I could never read music because of my dyslexia, but I discovered I have an ear for it. My ADHD gave me the hyperfocus to teach myself how to play piano, drums, and guitar when music lessons failed me.” — Kerry, New Jersey

“I was a professional musician for 23 years and produced and released a CD/album of original music.” — Julia, Oregon

“My ADHD allows me to write and create music that emotionally resonates with others. I would not be as good a musician without it.” — Emma, Scotland

“I arrange and write music, and I intrinsically understand the mathematical aspects of it but could never explain it.” — Jennifer, Utah

“I’m currently finishing my 6th album, ‘Neurodivergent.’ Not only did I explore new musical territories, but I experimented with A.I. videos to build narratives around the songs. This track is very ADHD to me.” — Jon, Surrey, U.K.

ADHD Creativity Is… Well Designed

“I taught myself how to use multiple graphic design programs because I was determined to fix tiny photo errors, make my blog perfect, and have the best syllabus for a class I was teaching.” — Ted, California

“I make handmade birthday cards. It’s a great creative outlet, and I actually use the craft supplies I’ve hoarded over many years.” — Yvette, Canada

“I love design — making flyers with digital art or rearranging my living room 1,000 times to find the perfect Feng shui. I believe  my ability to hyperfocus makes me love those tasks.” — Oceann, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… In the Spotlight

“I’m a writer and performer. My talent derives from my unique way of conceptualizing and interpreting the world, plus my constant curiosity. That’s an ADHD brain specialty.” — Dee, Canada

“During COVID, my young adult daughter chose stand-up comedy to help her cope. She works a regular job and continues to perform on weekends, including hosting shows.” — Pat, Canada

“As a humor writer and comedian, it’s important to have an interesting P.O.V. ADHD allows me to focus on details others have missed and makes my writing more interesting and robust. Additionally, being very observant helps me gather information about my audiences very quickly and relate to them.” — Nicole, Ohio

ADHD Creativity Is… Hands On

“I renovated my bathroom and kitchen with zero experience — and they both look professionally done.” — Gretchen, Minnesota

“I refinish furniture to make extra money. It is fun and creative.” — Glenda, Alberta, Canada

“Our daughter fully renovated her home, only calling in plumbers and electricians for vital compliance tickets. She also completed the renovation of a friend’s caravan and is working her way through their home, all while completing a college degree in science communication.” — Anna, Australia

ADHD Creativity Is… Inventive

“I think of wonderful inventions to re-purpose everything I’ve purchased over the years. I’m designing and making self-watering raised flower beds and working on an idea for hidden drawers that can slide in and out from under my bed frame.” — Ruth, New York

“My 8-year-old son is amazing. He puts together LEGO kits by himself. Then, a few days later, he’ll take them apart and create something new with the pieces. He created an excavator from a Star Wars set, Godzilla, and several others.” — Meagan, Alabama

“I build websites. When I let my ADHD loose, I can devise incredibly creative ways to accomplish the tasks my clients want. If they want ‘x,’ I can sometimes deliver ‘x,’ and ‘y,’ and ‘z.’ It’s all a matter of using that ADHD focus.” — Andrew, New York

“When my son was 12, he created fidget objects from LEGOS and sold them to friends. My little entrepreneur.” — Tracy, Canada

ADHD Creativity Is… Illuminating

“I teach university students using rare books and archives. ADHD allows me to connect our collections and subject areas, which wouldn’t normally happen. I also love coming up with new lesson ideas others don’t consider.” — Jo, U.K.

“I’m a dynamic, fun, hardworking teacher. I’m the teacher I always needed. I’m always trying new things!” — Marla, New Jersey

“As an educator, I used my ADHD mind to create novel situations. I sponsored a banana-eating contest to help students understand how the economic system works for a social studies class. The kids had to find a banana sponsor, get contestants, decide the admission price, make advertisements, sell tickets, and determine the profit margin. We held the contest in the school auditorium. It was a blast!” — Jane, California

ADHD Creative Thinking: Next Steps

• Download: A Free Calendar for ADHD Empowerment Month
• Read: Inspiring Celebrities Who Harness Creative Thinking
• Read: ADHD Self-Empowerment Begins With Finding Your “Right Difficult”

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My professor had given us clear instructions. I was passionate about (read: hyperfixated on) the subject. I’d been researching for days. But I couldn’t seem to get started — there was too much I wanted to say and, horror of horrors, I couldn’t even use the just-start-rambling tactic that had carried me through high school. The topic was too important, the stakes were too high, and every time I started to write, it came out wrong.

Like many with ADHD, I’m an all-or-nothing type. I haven’t yet found the magic key that lets me put, say, 45% effort into something. I have to give 100% perfection or it’s simply not worth doing at all.

All the same time, in high school, even when I’d make a bulleted outline for an essay and try to follow it, I’d get stuck, delete the outline in frustration, abandon the draft entirely, and write the whole essay in one go. Writing off the cuff produced some beautiful sentences, but I was prone to rambling or leaving things out. When I’d revise, I couldn’t recapture the energy and thought process I had while freewriting. Even with a reverse outline (first draft then outline), I got stuck. My transitions didn’t make as much sense the second time around, my writing seemed clunkier, and I still ended up scrapping everything. For a while, this strategy was workable. My essays, while spontaneous and poorly outlined, were good enough.

Now in college, as the night wore on and my meds wore off – still with no essay in sight – I was frustrated to the point of tears. Then I had an idea: I decided that if I couldn’t write the best version of my essay, or even a good version of my essay, I would write the worst version of my essay. And that’s what I did. I wrote in purposefully irreverent, goofy ways that amused me and kept my attention. In the end, to my surprise, I had a draft that had actually captured my ideas and was fun to read during revision.

I dubbed this strategy The Crappy Draft.

[Read: How to Prepare Your ADHD Teen for College, According to Research]

Why The Crappy Draft Technique Works for ADHD College Students

The goal of The Crappy Draft is twofold. First, it relieves the pressure to Write Something Good and makes the task that’s been driving you crazy into something lighthearted, with stakes so low they’re in the ground. And you get something done. Revising is tomorrow’s problem; tonight, you can sleep knowing you got started.

Second, The Crappy Draft lets you see the shape of your essay. Yes, this version may be nonsensical, but it also holds great wisdom. One of the great skills of the ADHD brain is making connections even where seemingly none exist. If harnessed correctly, this can be a great essay-writing tool: the ways in which you jump from one topic to another when you’re not thinking about writing a polished draft often allow for your best ideas to come forward.

You may be surprised to find how easy it is to turn something from apparent crap into an eloquent essay! For example, in one Crappy Draft of a history paper, I wrote “We can all talk a big game about war, but maybe we mostly just want everyone to have enough potatoes and not get their stuff stolen.” In the final version of the essay, this became “People want to avoid war more than they want to protect territory or follow orders, and sometimes they can even succeed in avoiding it.”

I’ve since used The Crappy Draft approach to great success every time I feel even slightly stuck on an essay. The Crappy Draft allows me the pleasure of writing in my own voice while capturing all of my ideas without censoring myself or succumbing to anxiety. And because my goofy Crappy Drafts are fun to read, they keep me focused when I go back to revise. The process is more manageable, and the final product is more organized, thoughtful, and in-depth.

[Read: “Writing Made Easier for College Kids with Learning Differences”]

How to Write Your Own Crappy Draft

1. Type at the top of your document: THIS DRAFT IS CRAPPY ON PURPOSE. I’LL MAKE IT GOOD LATER.

I type this in bold and highlight the words in red, but you do you. The important thing is that by writing this affirmation, you release yourself from the need to write anything presentable.

2. Write the silliest version of your draft you can possibly write.

Hit the points you want to hit but don’t pay any attention to whether you’re hitting them in the right order. Forgo punctuation. Don’t just write from your inner monologue — write from the most informal, personal part of your brain. Put in as many swears and as much Internet slang as you want. Make yourself laugh. Have fun with it.

Don’t forget the “assignment” part entirely, though. Here’s what I wrote one of my Crappy Drafts when I noticed myself going wildly off topic and getting distracted:

Man, do you ever think about the butterfly effe– [I AM HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH A COMICALLY LARGE HAMMER. NEXT PARAGRAPH PLEASE !!]

Optional step: Change the font to Comic Sans or some other stupid-looking font.

This is also a neat trick for resetting your brain when you’ve been staring at your words for hours and are starting to hate them. Different font? Ooh, it must be a different task! How new and exciting!

3. Get a good night’s sleep and revise another day.

I’m hopeful that your Crappy Draft will surprise you and make you smile. Read your draft with an open mind. Follow what jumps out at you, and you’ll find the makings of a strong, cohesive essay.

How to Write an Essay in College: Next Steps

• Free Download: How to Get ADHD Accommodations in College
• Read: “3 College Tips to Help Students Stress Less, Learn More”
• Read: “Yes, You Really Do Belong in College”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Teens with social anxiety disorder experience persistent and excessive fear in social settings that goes beyond shyness or nervousness. They worry so much about being judged, embarrassed, or humiliated in front of others that they avoid activities they would otherwise enjoy. Social anxiety often manifests as physical symptoms like sweating, trembling, or a racing heart, as well as emotional signs like irritability, self-doubt, and withdrawal from social interactions.

Social anxiety disorder is associated with other mental health conditions, including ADHD. “Many teens and young adults with ADHD are susceptible to social anxiety due to executive functioning challenges that impair emotional control, working memory, and self-awareness (metacognition),” writes Sharon Saline, Psy.D. “They may avoid specific triggering situations such as in-person classes or feel intensely nervous and uncomfortable in any social environment.”

Recognizing the signs of social anxiety disorder in your child is crucial for early intervention and support. Answer the questions in this self-test to help you assess whether your teen may be showing symptoms of social anxiety disorder. Share the results with your child’s doctor.

Time's up

Can’t see the self-test questions above? Click here to open this test in a new window.

The questions in this social anxiety test for teens are informed, in part, by criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). This social anxiety test for teens is designed to screen for the possibility of SAD symptoms, and it is intended for personal use only. This social anxiety test for teens is not intended as a diagnostic tool.

Social Anxiety Test: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
• Read: Where Does ‘Introvert’ End and Social Anxiety Begin?
• Read: 5 Ways to Reframe Anxiety for Your Worried Teen
• Find: Specialists or Clinics Near You

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

¹ National Institute of Mental Health. Social Anxiety Disorder. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder#part_2642

That study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, did not show a causal relationship. Patients in that study may have had conditions like diabetes or obesity, in addition to ADHD, that raised their risk of cardiovascular disease.

This is what I say to parents of my patients: ADHD causes all kinds of problems if it’s untreated. School failure, substance use, and, as an adult, poor job performance or getting fired, breakups in marriages — these are known risks when ADHD is not well managed.

In older populations, the risk for cardiovascular disease generally increases, but even then, I say to patients, “How are your diet, exercise, sleep, and other health habits?” These are the predictors of cardiovascular disease as best as we know. The study didn’t look at these factors.

Q: Does research show that nutrition plays a role in ADHD symptoms or symptom management?

We have every reason to think that healthy diets may lead to general benefits in mood and behavior. Large population-based studies suggest that food additives may have a relatively small negative effect on behavior. However, many parents report that children have hyperactive responses to sugar.

[Free Guide to ADHD Brain Food: What to Eat, What to Avoid]

New research is beginning to teach us more about the importance of a healthy diet and healthy gut biome. We know that too much processed food leads to the generation of unhealthy bacteria in the gut, which can create chemicals that pass through the blood-brain barrier and lead to problems, such as depression, anxiety, and possibly even ADHD. So, a healthy diet (along with adequate sleep and regular exercise) is likely to benefit people with ADHD.

Q: Does screen addiction over a period of several years affect a young adult’s brain development?

Very good studies have shown that screen time can lead to brain changes. A number of neuroimaging studies have proven this even in randomized controlled trials. Specifically, violent video games, such as first-person shooter games, have been found to lead to decreased empathy and social connections, increased negative and hostile thoughts, and possibly harmful actions.

ADHD Symptom Management: Next Steps

• Download: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD
• Read: 5 Smart Screen Rules for Teens with ADHD
• Read: Your ADHD Treatment Options — Medication, Diet, Therapy & More
• Find: ADHD Specialists and Clinics Near You

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Peer pressure is a formidable force, and teenage boys with ADHD will likely engage in some forms of risky behavior. Research shows that adolescents are more willing to lean into uncertainty than are adults. This tolerance for risk is part of your teen’s development — though, obviously, too great a tolerance could end in disaster.

It is our job, as parents, to allow our adolescents space to grow while reminding them of the serious, even lethal, consequences associated with some risks. Daredevil driving, substance use, and unprotected sex are a few of the risks that you should never tolerate or ignore.

[Get This Free Download: How to Evaluate Your Teen’s Emotional Control]

Teens are generally more influenced by their friends than by their parents, but family conversations will still likely affect their thinking and decision-making. Start by talking to your son about the risks that worry you most and why they keep you up at night. Make sure to focus your concerns on your son, rather than making the conversation about his friends.

If your teen feels that he needs to defend his friends, you risk turning the discussion into an argument. Staying emotionally balanced can also avoid disagreement or harsh words. Share your thoughts from a place of curiosity and concern for his best interests, rather than judgment.

Whenever the opportunity presents itself, take time to talk and connect with your son without being overbearing. Keeping the dialogue alive and positive can help remind him to avoid the more dangerous risks he will encounter. Of course, there’s no guarantee that your son won’t cross a line, such as experimenting with drugs, that impacts your relationship and trust.

If this happens, it’s up to you to start the process of healing and repairing your bond. A teen boy with ADHD is unlikely to apologize for his mistakes. It’s more likely that he’ll try to avoid responsibility or become oppositional. Preserving your relationship is critical if you’re going to help him manage the consequences of his risky behavior or try to prevent future transgressions. And that means more hard conversations. Before talking with him, plan out the conversation.

[Read: How to Heal a Strained Parent-Teenager Relationship]

• Decide how you’re going to approach your son to initiate the conversation. What is the best time and place for it? Will you be patient and compassionate or commanding yet caring?
• Get clear on your intentions. What are your objectives? What boundaries do you intend to set? What consequences will you enforce if he crosses them?
• Be sure to account for your potential triggers. How will you manage them if they arise so that you can respond in a healthy way, rather than react from negative emotions?

Above all, remember that your son is still growing and learning. He’s a teen, and teens mess up. But they’re also resilient and have a lot of years ahead of them. Their mistakes don’t have to ruin their lives, and, usually, they won’t.

Peer Pressure and ADHD Teens: Next Steps

• Read: When Your Teen Has Questionable Friends
• Free Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: You Can’t Change Your Defiant Teenager…

Brendan Mahan, M.Ed., M.S., is the producer and host of the ADHD Essentials podcast.

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Peer acceptance, a sense of self-efficacy, and a stress-is-enhancing mindset are strong predictors of resilience in older teens with ADHD, according to a small longitudinal study published in Child Psychiatry & Human Development.¹

The study, which followed 113 adolescents with ADHD from 10th to 12th grade, found that higher levels of peer acceptance, self-efficacy, and a growth mindset in 10th or 11th grade predicted higher levels of resilience 1.5 to 2 years later.

Peer Acceptance & Mechanisms of Resilience

Participants from the present study were assessed at three points:

• Fall/winter of 10th grade for peer acceptance
• Spring of 10th or 11th grade for self-efficacy, a stress-is-enhancing mindset, and baseline resilience
• Spring of 11th or 12th grade for follow-up on resilience

Peer acceptance at the start of the study explained 24% of the variance in resilience at follow-up. Teens with less severe ADHD symptoms were significantly more likely to report feelings of peer acceptance.

Resilience was measured using the Brief Resilience Scale (BRS), which asked teens to measure their agreement with statements such as “I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times” and “I take a long time to get over setbacks in my life.”

Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy mediated the relationship between peer acceptance and resilience, accounting for 39% of the variance in resilience at follow-up.

“Greater self-efficacy has been associated with positive outcomes for children and adolescents with ADHD, including lower levels of depression and internalizing symptoms, and reported higher quality of life,” wrote Elizabeth Chan, lead author of the study.

Though ADHD symptom severity did not change the positive effect of self-efficacy on resilience, existing research shows that ADHD symptoms can negatively impact self-esteem.

A Stress-Is-Enhancing Mindset

A stress-is-enhancing mindset accounted for 31% of the variance in resilience. Individuals with this mindset view obstacles as opportunities for learning and development. Teens with more severe ADHD symptoms needed at least a moderate stress-is-enhancing mindset to promote resilience.

A Positive Mindset Has Broad Impact

“One of the key attributes of resilient children and adults is when problems come up, they view these problems as challenges to be solved rather than overwhelmed by,” said Robert Brooks, Ph.D., a leading expert on resilience and motivation.

Healthy peer relationships are also critical for kids with ADHD, many of whom struggle to initiate and maintain friendships. Children tend to experience increased interpersonal problems as they enter adolescence.¹ Between 50% and 80% experience peer rejection, according to one study, which found classmates’ opinions of ADHD students are developed within the first 30 minutes and persist long after.²

“We have to help our children become much better problem solvers and believe in themselves… to start to feel that there are these problems, but there are [also] things we can do,” said Brooks during his 2022 ADDitude webinar “Nurturing Resilience and Motivation in Children with ADHD: The Search for ‘Islands of Competence.”

Existing research on ADHD has associated adaptive outcomes with a growth mindset, as noted by the authors. A growth mindset — the belief that one can change their abilities and circumstances — predicts fewer negative emotions, greater efficacy, and less avoidant coping.^{3, 4}

In contrast, those with a stress-is-debilitating mindset view stress consequentially and are more likely to act on impulse — a core symptom of ADHD. A study published by Society for Research in Child Development and cited by the authors found that, among 1,343 adolescents, more adverse life events predicted greater distress and decreased self-control.⁵ When participants viewed stress as beneficial, they were less likely to respond impulsively to negative events.

Support from Caregivers

No significant interaction was found between a stress-is-enhancing mindset and peer acceptance. According to research cited by the authors, support from parents and teachers may be more influential than support from peers in promoting this enhancing mindset, ^{6, 7} particularly when caregivers praise effort over ability.

Additionally, the presence of a charismatic adult — someone from whom children gather strength — has been associated with resilience in kids with ADHD.⁸ “In the absence of a good co-regulator, a solid, charismatic adult… we know that the likelihood of going on to have positive outcomes goes down,” said Cheryl Chase, Ph.D., in her 2022 webinar with ADDitude on how stress and trauma impact child development. “One charismatic adult can make a massive difference.”

“Despite the adverse outcomes associated with ADHD, some adolescents with ADHD perform as well as or better than their non-ADHD peers in one or more functional domain(s),” wrote Chan et al. “These individuals appear to exhibit resilience, or a pattern of positive adaptation, with some thriving despite the neurobehavioral risks associated with their diagnosis.”

Limitations & Future Research

This was the first study to look at peer acceptance as a predictor of resilience and self-efficacy as a mediator. It was also the first to examine a stress-is-enhancing mindset in the context of ADHD.

Analyses controlled for sex, ADHD symptoms, baseline resilience, and cohort. To be included, participants were required to meet DSM-5 criteria for ADHD combined or inattentive type. Adolescents were excluded if they had a previous or existing diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, dissociative or psychotic disorder, or an organic sleep disorder.

Future research should examine the potential causes of gender discrepancy in levels of resilience, which were significantly lower among females with ADHD. A more diverse sample is also needed, as the population was mostly male (67%) and White or Non-Hispanic (81%). A large percentage of the variance in resilience (61%) was unaccounted for; researchers should consider other contributing factors. Self-report scales were used as a primary measure; more objective reporting tools should be considered for future studies. Exploring interventions that encourage greater peer acceptance and a stress-is-enhancing mindset would benefit the study population.

Sources

¹Chan, E.S.M., Dvorsky, M.R., Green, C.D., et al. (2024). Predictors and mechanisms of resilience for high school students with ADHD: a prospective longitudinal study. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-024-01704-3

²Ferretti N.M., King S.L., Hilton D.C., Rondon A.T., & Jarrett M.A. (2019). Social functioning in youth with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and sluggish cognitive tempo. Yale J Biol Med, 92(1), 29-35. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6430168/

³ Burnette, J.L., Babij, A.D., Oddo, L.E., &Knouse, L.E. (2020). Self-regulation mindsets: relationship to coping, executive functioning, and ADHD. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 39(2), 101-116. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2020.39.02.101

⁴ Pay, C. (n.d.). How can I foster a growth mindset in my ADHD kids? Utah State University. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/how-can-i-foster-a-growth-mindset-in-my-adhd-kids

⁵ Park, D., Yu, A., Metz, S.E., Tsukayama, E., Crum, A.J., & Duckworth, A.L. (2018). Beliefs about stress attenuate the relation among adverse life events, perceived distress, and self-control. Child Dev 89(6), 2059–2069. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12946

⁶ Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C.S. (2016). What predicts children’s fixed and growth intelligence mindsets? Not their parents’ views of intelligence but their parents’ views of failure. Psychol Sci 27(6), 859–869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616639727

⁷ Park, D., Gunderson, E.A., Tsukayama, E., Levine, S.C., & Beilock, S.L. (2016). Young children’s motivational frameworks and math achievement: relation to teacher-reported instructional practices, but not teacher theory of intelligence. J Educ Psychol 108(3), 300. https://doi.org/10.1037/edu0000064

⁸ Ofiesh, N.S., & Mather, N. (2023). Resilience and the child with learning disabilities. In: Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R.B. (Eds.). Handbook of resilience in children. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-14728-9_25